How many of you think....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2003
How many of you think....
7
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 10:34pm
That someday you'll be with OM/or/MM ?

I'm so curious... I know that for me and My MM , it will be atleast 15 yrs before we are together...til both of our sets of kids are grown... I wish we could be together now, but I think in all reality it will be better for us to wait until our children are grown.

How do all of you feel about this? Do you think you will be together someday? Or...is that not a possiibilty for you. Do you know that you'll stay in your marriage and he in his? Please share...

~Wishing~

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 11:24pm
15 years is an awfully long time. Do you really think you will end up with someone on this timeframe?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 12:35am
Hi wishing,

I like to think that even the impossible is possible... I mean we can all dream... but in reality... I don't go down that road. I take my EMA for what it is... an affair... and assume that while say 10 years down the track we may still be 'together' we will never be TOGETHER.

This way I feel that to some extent I won't be let down by my expectations... and I can enjoy what we do have together.

As for my marriage... I don't know where that will go either... at this stage I've no intentions of walking away... but 1 or 5 years down the track I may feel differently there too.

but that's just me...

luv and hugs

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 2:29am
My MM and I have been together for over 4 1/2 years. At the moment, both of us are married to spouses we don't want. Both of us have children. MM's W is currently pregnant. As much as I love MM, I couldn't ask any more of him than we already have. I know he wants to be with me, and that he loves me. I love him more than life itself, but I feel that if we were to get together now as a couple, he might end up resenting our relationship. I don't want to believe in that, but I've known too many other couples who were in the same boat as we are, and they aren't together. If MM left his W, she would most likely take him for everything, and he would be miserable. H and I have already talked about divorcing, but we have our daughter to consider. Like wishing, I cannot see myself being with him as an actual recognized couple until our children are grown. I pray that I can hald out that long, because I love him so much.
Avatar for prettyribbons4u
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 9:19am
Hi Wishing, 15 years is a long time. MM & I have "talked" about how we probably should have ended up together and wonder sometimes if we ever really will. We both have children, his are 11 & 2 and mine are 3, 9 & 15. We both kid around alot and say we are both doing 10-15 (yrs)....as if we are doing time. We both have older kids and younger ones too which makes it more difficult for me to imagine. I try to think in 15 years, I'll have my 'baby' finally somewhat grown, but at the same time...it's possible I could have grandchildren by that time. For me, this makes it difficult, as I want to experience {grand}parenthood and all that comes with it and after raising my children with H., it wouldn't seem the same without him, ya know? I agree with the other posters, nothing is "impossible" but 15 years is a really large timeframe and ALOT can happen in that time. I too try to remember this is only an affair and leaving my marriage was never a consideration of mine..or his. But things change and people change and I guess you never really know. It had been 12 years since I last saw MM and when we got back together, it was like time disappeared..so who knows?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2003
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 9:45am
Yes, 15+ is along time, but we too say "We" should have been together ! (Just like PR) however, we were young and things got in the way and we're out of our control. Now that 15 yrs has passed between our relationship , it seems like no time has lasped at all. So, we have loved each other through these past 15 years , I know that our love is real and we can possibly be together in 15 more years...who knows> I know we don't but for us, I hope we can stay together while we are married to our spouses and raise our children, it isn't fair to our kids that we want to be together. No need to mess up their lives. Although there are moments I want to just run away with him.

~Wishing~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 11:55am
Dear Wishing:

I guess this is also addressed to others who are M with kids. Many of you say that you and/or your MM will not leave your M until the kids are grown. (There are some of you that have said you still love your H and the EMA fulfills other aspects of your life, so I can somewhat understand why you stay, so I guess this is moreso directed to those of you that are not happy with your H).

First, please don't misunderstand the tone of this posting, I just need some insight into the reality of my situation. (MM says he is staying M because of the kids).

I was M w/ kids but was so miserable with H. The realization of just how miserable I was occurred during my last pregnancy. (no A's on either side). I didn't file for D because I was pregnant at the time, and because I was afraid of how it would affect the kids. When I was driving home, I would quickly go through my mind trying to see if there was one more errand I had to run to prolong my time away from H. I realized that I was spending less time at home (and with the kids)in an effort to avoid H. When I was home, the tension was thick and the kids picked up on it. We did not fight in front of the kids but we also did not show any affection - we were roommates. The final straw was when the kids were 4, 6 and 10. We were taking the kids out on a day trip and H was driving. He was talking about who knows what because I had become a master at tuning him out, and I was looking out the window. I felt this overwhelming sense of lonliness. Here I was married, someone who was supposed to be my "partner" for life, my other half, and I had never felt so lonely in my life. I turned and looked at him just jabbering away, completely oblivious to the fact I was not listening to him, I looked at the kids and none of them were listening to him either, they were looking out the window too. Over the course of the next few weeks, I carefully watched them and they had begun to mirror our ambivilance. H and I were very affectionate to the kids and they had no doubt of our love for them, but this passionless "environment" was what they would base their future relationships on, and I wanted more for them. I could not "exist" like this anymore, I wanted to live my life not for just myself but for my kids sake too. I went through many of the difficulties all of you think about (finances, property division, visitation, etc.) but in the end, it was worth it for my sanity's sake and for the kids.

Yes there are difficulties, challenges, but we are much more satisfied with the quality of life. Neither parent has to miss out on watching the kids grow - as long as the two of you are mature enough to separate the issues related to you as a couple and the issues related to you as parents. If the kids see that their parents can get along at their activites or in their presence in general, it makes the transition easier.

Just because kids have both their parents under the same roof doesn't make it ideal for the kids. My parents stayed married for the "kids sake" and it negatively affected my perception of what a relationship should have been. In fact, as a teen, I made sure that my day was filled with activities so that I did not go home until the last possible moment because I didn't want to be in the house with "them" - sound familiar???

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2003
Wed, 09-24-2003 - 10:14am
Hi Saatty,

I agree with you totally, just because kids have their parents in the same house doesn't mean it's the best thing for them. However , in our situation- I do love my H and we have a great relationship. We are missing that spark, the interesting aspect, and good sex that we used to have. But I know that since there is no fighting,abuse,or anything going on in our home that it would be selfish of me to take my kids away from a father that is devoted to them.... I hope that makes sense. I am not unhappy in my marriage and I never dreamt I'd be having a EMA, however when my old boyfriend and I found one another , things just picked up where we had left them, like 15+ years had not passed by. I hope this makes sense, I'm in a rush to get kids to school !

Have a great day~ Wishing~