how much longer can I last?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
how much longer can I last?
Tue, 11-18-2003 - 2:41pm
Hi, I was here quite a while ago, but it's been a long time...

I'm trying to be realistic. The facts are: MM and I have been on/off again (mostly on, lol) for 10 years, for me it was throughout my own marriage and divorce (whole set of other issues there), but he's still with his wife. He and I are serious, long-term, we're in love. His wife knows me, but I don't know if she suspects anything. they have 3 kids, the youngest is 5. Mostly he says he doesn't want to divorce until the youngest is 18, but sometimes he's so despondent that he actually tells his wife he wants a divorce. She says she'll fight it and keep his kids away from him, which I tell him isn't actually for her to decide, but for a family law judge to decide. But I don't think he really hears that.

I'm just now getting on my feet after a divorce, and I'll be graduating and taking my board exams next month as well. I'm beginning to ask myself some hard questions.

Sometimes I tease him about coming over and abducting him once I'm financially stable and have my own apartment. I'm only half kidding! I'm beginning to ask myself: Okay, so imagine he does move in with me and retains an attorney and I help him pay for it. (He's semi-retired, a stay-at-hime dad.) Suppose he discovers it isn't all he hoped it would be and he's miserable? Suppose he changes his mind and goes back to her anyway? How will I feel? Or for that matter, suppose the divorce really happens? Will I suddenly wish it hadn't happened? I don't know. We know each other very, very well, we've seen each other at our best and our worst, and I don't think either of us would discover any really nasty surprises that we didn't know about each other. Our friendship is deep and rock-solid, so it isn't that; it's more like I wonder whether he'll be so stressed out about the divorce that he'll actually resent me, or whether the kids and the ex will hate me so much that I'll end up bailing out or something.

Well, in the next 12 months, I am going to make those hard decisions. It's probably going to come down to letting him know that I'm ready to go on with my life without him if he still refuses to get divorced. One of his other rationales for staying in the marriage is because he's worried about me and wants me to concentrate on starting my career and getting my act together. Okay, I realize this is probably an excuse for him, and once I *am* stable, I won't have any more excuses myself for why I'm staying in the affair. Once I have my own place and I'm supporting myself financially, I don't think I'm going to be satisfied with sneaking around and daydreaming. I want a real life.