How my heart breaks..

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2003
How my heart breaks..
14
Fri, 01-16-2004 - 9:19pm
I was suppose to meet my lover today. I know he had a business meeting at work but he hasn't called me at all today. I'm pretty sure he's with his live-in g/f and can't call me. Either that or something has happened. I'm sitting here feeling lonely and aching for him. I planned the evening out with the two of us since my H is away on a business trip. Now I sit here alone. Why is it so hard to let go. I know I should but I don't want to. Everytime the phone rings, I jump up and hope it's him. And it's not.

This is so much tension that I don't need. But spending time with him makes up for it. It just hurts that I've been planning this for so long and I can't even see him. When will I learn. When will I learn that I should let go....... I can't.... I don't want to...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2004
Sat, 01-17-2004 - 4:33am
Oh boy, do I know how you feel. I can't give any advice - I can only sympathise with you. The tension is immense isn't it? The heartbreak of just wanting a chance to show him how much you can and do love him, the total let down when you don't hear from them and think they don't care, trying so hard not to come across as paranoid or a bunny boiler or plain over emotional.

It's not really worth it is it - until we finally do meet up with them, and all the doubt washes away. I fully understand you and like I say, I don't have any advice. I'm sorry about that. I will be watching your other replies myself but we both know what we really want - is it going to happen for either of us??? Good luck and my very best wishes to you.

P x

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2003
Sat, 01-17-2004 - 11:43am
Thank you pammsie, I just needed someone who can understand. I just find myself sitting here crying. Probably just feeling sorry for myself. I sent him a text message for him to call me. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and not get angry. I'd even see him today if he could get away. But alas, not single word. I'm just going to have to wait to see what he says. In the mean time my expected weekend is ruined. Don't know when I can make time like this again. My H will be back tomorrow. I might as well be a good little wife and clean the house and have dinner ready when my daughter comes home from work.

Sorry, I'm just upset. Oh how I miss him. :( I didn't mean to fall for him like this. Damn, this hurts so...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2004
Sat, 01-17-2004 - 3:17pm

My heart goes out to you. It hurts so much. You want to scream & throw something. All you can do is hang in there. I've been thru it too. Many times and unfortunately, it still hurts.


I've been in my A. for almost 4 years and we still go thru that, but even though it still is hard, at times, to deal with. I still do because I love him.


I don't think we ever learn. We just somehow, within ourselves, deal with it.


We stay because we rather have them in our lives then not.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2004
Sat, 01-17-2004 - 3:42pm
What a bunch we are! 4 years! I’m only half way there. I wish I could say I’m probably wrapped up in some fantasy world – but I’m not. I truly love him and all he represents. I also can not get out easily – if at all. My H is home every single day and I just go to work and then go home, play housewife, mummy, wife etc. I go through hell everytime I make some arrangements to go out ‘with an old friend’ then it gets cancelled and I have to undo it all – never knowing when it’ll be re-arranged for. I’ve been there so many times but I am learning to accept it now. I posted for the first time yesterday just for somebody to hopefully tell me EMA’s can have a happy ending – but it doesn’t look like they do. I’m getting stronger I suppose, but I know that I’ll end up calling MM on Monday just to make sure he’s not blown me out – then I’ll end up paranoid that I was paranoid for no reason!

Love to you both

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Sat, 01-17-2004 - 6:22pm
hi neo

I am sorry you are feeling like this but trust me I totally understand.My H works out of state so I too am home alone when I am not with my MM. Its hard to sit home alone while the person you love is spending time with his family. The only advice I can give you is to just hang in there and get a friend to go do something with, do not just set home alone.

As much as I hate to say itthere will probably be alot more of these cancelled meetings.

When it hurts more to stay in the R than to end it, you will know its time to stop.

until then you just grin and bear it.

Hope that helps

SB

 Seeburg    

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2004
Sat, 01-17-2004 - 6:25pm

4 years! That's what I say too, lol.


I can't believe it's been this long either. There've been many times I have wanted and actually ended our R. because it just gets to darn had to deal with it. The thing is I always wind up back because of the love I have for him plus I know he loves me so we just continue.


That's funny you mention the paraanoia. I have my bouts

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2004
Sat, 01-17-2004 - 10:29pm
neo i hear you. i am sorry the day you were suppossed to meet your lover did not turn out as expected. if its meant to be it will be. hang in there,honey
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2003
Sat, 01-17-2004 - 11:46pm
Thanks everyone for your supportive words. I've calmed down since I wrote this. I sent him an email asking what happened. I left it vage but I let him know I was upset. I asked him if everything was ok. I hope it is. I know he's been going through things with his g/f and his job.(we use to work together.I was laid off with a few other people) He's not sure if he will be out of a job. He's been very stressed out. I hope he emails me back. I also sent one to his job incase I can't get in touch with him. It's going to be a while for me to talk to him. My H comes home tomorrow from Detroit(we're in NY)and will be on vacation all week. So I wont be able to contact him at all. Maybe only through email. Oh how I miss him. If only to hear his voice. I guess this game we play is all a game of patience... I have no choice but to wait to talk and see him. This sucks big time...
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2004
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 8:25am
well i hope your om was able to call you. if not, its the nature of the beast. LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 10:03am
I can truly sympathize with you. I wish I had an answer for you, but unfortunately there is nothing any of us can do but wait if we aren't ready to let go. I have been in my EMA for over 4 years. I have lot's of free time, due to my work schedule (outside sales) and my H has lots of 'hobbies' that take him away on weekends, etc. My OM on the other hand, has a very watchful, insecure and jealous wife, and wants him at home so they can play 'family' with their young child. So, there are many weekends I have been completely free and he can't be...it's the worst feeling. In my mind I see him playing happy family, entertaining, going out, etc and know that I can never be a part of that....as I sit home alone. Alot of bubble baths, glasses of wine and tears, finally made me realize to get out and do things withs friends, etc. DO NOT sit at home and wait for him, it will drive you crazy and to resent him. I have days I think this is it, I can't do this anymore. Then the image of not talking, seeing, kissing him, etc will flash in my mind and I think then that I can't let him go, I care too much. Maybe I am neurotic, LOL...Maybe I am just a fool in love. :)

Listen to everyone....keep yourself busy, and do not dwell on it. Also, whatever you are imagining them doing...they are probably not. So take comfort in that! :)

gc



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