How Real Is Love Without Action?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2003
How Real Is Love Without Action?
4
Sun, 04-11-2004 - 3:08am
My much-beloved MM seems highly motivated to be with me full time, but his child is only 15. Anyone have any opinion on whether this is a typical excuse for staying put or an example of a loving father? I have a girlfriend in opposite situation - a single man is waiting for her (for +10 yrs!) She has 2 children and tells her OM that's why she doesn't leave. Yet, to me in private, she admits there are LOTS of reasons she doesn't leave her (boring, tedious, annoying - I know him) husband for her "soulmate." When I ask her what the real reasons are, she's vague. Is it your opinion that Married People Leave their current situation ONLY when they really love us enough OR do some/all/most STAY because of a sense of duty and comfort in their current home lives? How real is the declaration of love if action doesn't follow?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-11-2004 - 8:35am
This is a really good question. From my own perspective, you stay in your M if it is too good to leave. I have recently read a book entitled, "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" which has helped me sort through things more than any other book I have read (and I have been doing a lot reading) since this A started. You have your comfort zone. It may not be terrific but it isn't terrible either. The thought of divorce is abhorrent to me and everything it would involve. So is the declaration of love real? The love is real, the reality is realer, if that makes any sense. You remain the same, until the pain of remaining the same exceeds the pain of change. I am a great believer of action meaning more than words, words, words. Some of these situations are untenable. From what I have been reading on this board, they are about unmet needs, unfulfilled people seeking something more and finding it. It breaks my heart not being able to share my life with someone I truly adore. It's about not always getting what you want in life. There is the bigger picture to consider when making major changes. So you compromise a lot of things, you do a lot of things you never thought you'd do because there is a need and because you don't want to regret never having stepped outside the box to experience real joy. The reality is realer.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Sun, 04-11-2004 - 12:41pm
Great question.

It is far too early in my A to know what is going to happen, and it is a 1st A for both MM and me. Neither of us have kids but want to eventually. I don't things are BAD at home for MM. He was, however, very sexually frustrated.

I think he was looking for some nice side action with me when we started out. However, he's learned that I'm more than just a good body and nice face. I'm somebody he can talk to and trust. Somebody who has given him much emotional support these last few months.

But then again, things aren't terrible at home, either. His wife is a nice person. She does a lot for him and is very much a caretaker to him. Right now he's getting the best of both worlds, so why would he do anything to leave?

Divorce is difficult. Financially and emotionally. I think you have to really, really know that the other person is worth leaving the marriage.

I have no idea if MM will ever leave his M. I do know that the A has taught me that I am UNhappy in my M. I will leave H eventually, but I'm not the kind of person to do this in haste.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Sun, 04-11-2004 - 4:16pm
Ok here is a scenario for you. If my MM left tomorrow his marriage for himself and not for me. Then after a couple of months he feels bad about it-- feels guilty and goes back to his marriage, is that still "Action" by your standards? Or do you think MM should totally leave his wife and family and only them you will consider it "Action" enough? Curious as to what is Action for you.


Edited 4/11/2004 4:28 pm ET ET by funnyface03
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Sun, 04-11-2004 - 8:20pm
I don't think you can paint this one with a broad brush. There are as many reasons for leaving or staying in a marriage as there are people in them. And your MM leaving his for you may not be the most convincing of actions. Let me see if I can explain it better by telling you my situation.

I left my marriage FOR ME. It was the right thing to do. I did not leave for OM, because first of all, this isn't about him. Second of all, I'm sure he has no thought or intention of leaving his g/f for me, so I *couldn't* leave for him. Yet I don't, for a minute, doubt his love for me. He is a very kind, caring, loving, considerate man. The actions that DO speak to me are these: he keeps my favorite candy bar in his desk for me; he called me sweetheart sometimes, for instance, yet he calls me it a lot more now that he found out no one has ever called me that; I notice that he wears this one shirt after we haven't seen each other in a few days - it's a shirt I told him I really liked on him; he gives me his body spray to put on my teddy bear so I can smell him at night when I'm trying to sleep - and he didn't laugh at me when he gave it to me, lol!!!; he helps around the apartment, he helps me provide extras for my kids, he helps with extras for myself that I wouldn't spend the money on. He is extremely generous and considerate in bed. What about all this isn't actions backing up his words?? Just because he won't leave his g/f for me, I'm supposed to think he doesn't really love me??

I'd been thinking about leaving my marriage on and off since the day I got back from my honeymoon, 18 years ago. I've been thinking of it seriously for 7 years. In fairness to me, I stayed when I found I was pregnant with my 6yo son. He's been far too young to go through this before and the marriage *wasn't* horrible. It just wasn't what it once was and it never would be again. And my sense of duty to children extended far enough to make sure a toddler and preschooler had two loving parents in the same home, but my sense of duty also extends to my 14yo daughter to whom I wish to give an honest vision of love, relationships, and marriage. So, I left just as soon as I thought the baby could handle it.

I'd been dying a slow and painful death the last couple of years and finally decided to do it. At that same time, I took up with OM. Is it a coincidence that I left when I had someone to help me through it?? I don't know, but probably not. I may not have left for him, but the reality is, he has made it a lot easier. Many would think me selfish, to leave a not-terrible-marriage. But I think it's selfish to stay with the status quo simply because it's convenient. Hiding behind the 'duty' label are an awful lot of unhappy people. And I bet their children would feel real guilt to know that their parents are so unhappy because of them.



That action - the leaving of my marriage - is not an action of love for OM, because it had nothing to do with him. But according to how I interpreted your questions, he is now to think that I want to be with him forever. Well, nobody's promising anyone forever...but I think we'd have a lot of fun if we lived together and honestly, I would like that, but I can't imagine that would happen. But I certainly hope that he and I last a long, long time anyway!!


Just my thoughts.

Lucky


Edited 4/11/2004 8:26 pm ET ET by luckyme814