How to stop being so destructive?
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| Mon, 11-03-2008 - 4:01pm |
Hi everyone,
Well, AP/BF did come home on Friday but not without some twists and turns. Me, being a girl, wanted to be absolutely perfect for him when he came home and to that end I had made a hair appointment to get rid of my roots. He of course, left the job earlier than the last time so as he was arriving, I was just sitting down with the color on my hair...I found out later that he seemed rather disappointed (shades of the last time he came home if you'll remember). I did not like the way my hair was styled so I ran home really quick and redid it and heck, I had a quick bath so that I could shave my legs...did I mention womanly perfection? Anyhow, funny man that he is asked me if that was a hair transplant I was getting...HaHa. I told him that I needed to fix what they did to me and what was he up to?
Turns out that he was having dinner with his DS and he would try to see me later...WTF? After the last time he was home, and I stay OUT of the bar...there's a possibility that he won't even come over? I was cool though (pats on the back here) and I knew he would call me, and he did. We had a really fantastic night together and he left pretty early in the morning...on the way out he says "I'll call you later". Guess what? Nothing.
This is where I get nutty but IMO, justifiably so. I sent him a text @ 10:00 pm telling him he sucked and I hoped he had a great time. He called me back RIGHT away telling me that he was just about to text me and he'd had a make up game to play...I of course said that is not the problem but, when you tell me that you are going to call and then you totally ignore me, I tend to get a trifle peeved. He was VERY drunk and I just kept getting madder and madder until I hung up. Was that enough for me? Oh no, I had to keep going (he was not the only one who was drunk) until he had apologized, which he did. I had sat at home all night waiting for him because I knew he would not be happy if I went out to the bar and so I stayed home and had a few. He called me a pit bull because I am very tenacious and would not stop until he knew how horrible he made me feel, AGAIN! I mean honestly, he comes over..schtupps me and then nothing? Not on your life...I did not give up my whole life before him to be so disrespected. And I refuse to be made to feel like a booty call.
Well, when he sent me a text on Sunday asking if I'd like him to come over I knew that I was forgiven for all the phone calls of Saturday evening

Honey the truth,,,if you want to stop the behavior,,put the bottle down,,you see a pattern,,,just being honest,,affairs are hard enough add alcohol and the sh!t hits the fan,,plus you need to be careful not to slip up cause of a couple of drinks,,take care
I've followed your story since I joined here early this year and there is a very definite pattern to what happens when you get upset with AP and it always revolves around you and alcohol. You have a problem and need to admit that and get help. Whether that fixes issues with you and AP I wouldn't know, but it will fix issues with you and that is the most important thing you can do.
Pisces
Hi everyone,
Well as usual, you are all right. I DO have a serious problem with alcohol, I am taking this week to try and get off of that crutch and I plan on working out most of the week and going straight home.
I sat at home last night writing about what has been going on and I realized that I have been apologizing to him out the wazoo and I have nothing to apologize for. Okay, I do realize that my reaction(s) to his broken promises have been somewhat over the top, due to the drinking, I still think I have the right to voice my feelings about how much it hurts me. And yes, I am starting to think that it is all about sex (for him) and that hurts even more. Although I have told my bf that a lot of it for me is also about the sex. But then I start thinking about what I've known about him in the past...before we were in this R, and what I've learned about him since. I do think he loves me but I also think that he is very selfish and he's basically never had to think about anyone but himself (certainly not his W who he's been doing this to for at least 20 years) I don't think he knows how to think of someone else's feelings...
I think too that I'm having a delayed reaction to trashing my 25 year marriage, something I still can't believe I really did. I read someone's post about the brother/sister aspect of a seemingly large amount posts and reasons why we are in A's, that hit a very deep chord. My H, at the very least, deserved to be told how I was feeling about the lack of intimacy in our M...instead of me falling into this guys arms. I am feeling the guilt.
So, I am really going to try and totally cut out the drinking. I am going to get back to the gym with my girlfriends and just try to take it day by day. I just don't know how I became so addicted to this guy because that is exactly what if feels like it has become...an addiction.
Thanks for the insight..I'm going to take a break from here and just think about myself for a while.
benska
Benska - just wanted to send you big hugs - and let you know I think you are on the right path.
Please honey - don't try to end your addiction with alcohol alone - you need to go to AA or some other support group - that is not something that you can do alone - take it from someone who lived with an alcholic for 20+ years - he always thought he could replace it with something else - and do it by himself.
Thx tgrbabe,
Last night was the first step ~ went home and even though I have a couple of beers in the fridge and a half bottle of vodka I didn't touch either. I know I should get rid of them right away but I just don't like the idea of throwing money away, stupid I know but there it is. And although I am not trying to make excuses, while I do get drunk a lot..at the moment it's not like I HAVE to have a drink...it just helps pass the time while he's away and it helps keep me from feeling lonely..that is until I start feeling depressed. Again, a pretty stupid comment.
I honestly don't think I drink enough to warrant AA (I'm sure you've heard that one before) but I am seriously going to try and smarten up in my personal life and more importantly, my professional life. I have let so many things slide because I am so, yes..I'll say it, obsessed by my AP, I need to get it all back. I know it's going to be tough but I'm tough too. I pray I can get through it.
Thanks for your kind words and insight, I really do appreciate it (although I seem to be denying it, I'm really not).
benska