How tolerable are you?
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How tolerable are you?
| Thu, 10-23-2003 - 10:00am |
I find myself being 100xs more tolerable of the crap that OM dishes out my way than of anyone else on this planet. Sometimes I think Im afraid to upset the apple cart - but why? What is this hold he has over me all about?
Does anyone else walk on eggshells in their EMA?
(Boy Im full of analogies today huh! LOL)
Liberal
a/k/a cl-imshagnhurman
callmeliberal@hotmail.com

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Ain't that the truth!! I do it too -- I take crap from him that I NEVER would in a "real" relationship. The NC for days, the meeting at HIS convenience, etc.
I don't know about you, but it has made me pull away and begin to care less about it all recently. Of course, that's when he comes barreling back at full speed ahead.
By the way, congrats cl-imshagnhurman!!
Seems to me that you have a "need to please" others thing going on. You may feel you want to please him to the point of taking that crap from him when you shouldn't be taking his crap the way you are.
Laugh![Smiles]()
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That has happened in the past to me as well. I know that game-playing is a bad idea, but there are some basic relationship rules that might work here. In "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" he talks about intimacy cycles and how men have to pull away from time to time to reassert their strength. (Not all men do this, by the way; it depends how clingy the other party is in the relationship as well as how they were raised, etc.) The book has a list of things the woman does wrong when this happens and one is waiting nearby anxiously so she'll know the second he comes out of it. Another is trying to coax him back. He says the best thing a woman can do is to just go away and let him have his time. Don't be available when he calls NOT because you're playing games but because you've devoted your attention to other matters. Go shopping with friends, devote time to your marriage and family, whatever... I think maybe what you're noticing is that when you do pull away like that, he's not feeling quite so pursued. It's the INTIMACY that scares these types of men (and my MM is one of them). My H hasn't been like that since we married although he was like this when we were dating. But I've figured out that the reason H isn't like that is that I'm the one who's emotionally distant in our marriage. During the times when he pulls away and spends time with his family or whatever, I find myself missing him and wanting to be with him more. It's not that I think I'm going to lose him or whatever; I just get bored having him wrapped around my finger all the time and when he does other things it makes me feel like he's NOT wrapped. One of the main reasons these men pull away so much is because we don't. So the second you start noticing him doing his usual stuff, pull back. Don't wait by the phone or call him every second. Let him pursue you for a while. If he doesn't, just go do other things and eventually he'll come back to you when he's ready...
It still does annoy me though! I don't get as upset anymore...I definitley have mastered the whatever attitude, and I have come to the point where I don't HAVE to busy myself -- I just do my thing. (This is the way it's going to be as long as this "thing" lasts; I've come to accept that). Maybe it has annoyed me to the point where I don't care as much -- he obviously senses that and comes, well, barreling back!! (definite Mars-Venus thing).
You are right in that when I pull back -- there he is!! That's just the way it is.
MEN!!!
Charlotte
jenny
Further, *if* MM & I had an open, committed relationship, I would hope we would keep our respective caves! IMHO, it's healthy to have a life outside of the relationship, seperate from the other person - and in doing so, one always brings something *fresh* (new experiences, etc., and no I'm not referring to sex lol!) back to the relationship.
Yeah, sometimes I do get frustrated waiting for him to come out of hibernation, and perhaps he does, too. I *usually* keep my head above water by trusting MM will let me know if things change (drastically). Once in a while I get brave and chase the bear out of his cave, lol, but I respect his need to slip away mentally and physically, as I do too.
And, I think it might be true, too, that (most) men don't feel the need to reassure, where (most) women like reassurance. I was watching a sit-com last week with Jim Belushi (sorry, can't remember the name of the program), on this very subject - a friend of Jim's and his wife in the program was buying his wife jewelry, etc., and Jim's wife wanted to know why Jim didn't do that for her - he replied that he's married to her, and doesn't need to show his affection, or something along those lines. Generally, men think like that - they've said it, and that's that - no need to rehash it, lol; while women like to analyze and well, think on it or re-live it.
I've been meaning to read that book, Mars vs Venus, for sometime - I think I'll see if I can find a copy this weekend.
Thanks for sharing!
Meow
I would not be tolerable *at all* if MM was disrespectful or dished out "crap" - but then I have just seperated from an intolerable situation, one in which I was too tolerable for too long.
Perhaps because your home life includes a healthy relationship with H, it is not a top priority in your relationship with OM that he not dish out the crap. You might love each other, but *know* you won't be an open, committed couple, so it's a moot point, and why stress on it (most days).
Maybe what you consider crap is normal for OM - if I remember, he is the way he is with g/f, and therefore knows no other way to maintain a relationship. Usually, you remember that you can't change him - if change is going to occur it has to come from him, and if he doesn't see it as crap, then he's not going to clean it up (what's crap for you may not be crap for him). So again, it's a moot point for you to go there or stress on it (most days).
That's just a couple scenarios, based on my own experiences, not necessarily your situation. Everyone's tolerance, and idea of crap, is different. You are a strong, uh liberated, lol, person Lib - it doesn't mean you are weak or accepting of disrespect if you continue to enjoy a relationship with OM - as long as it meets your needs. I think people can have a different definition for disrespect, too.
I hope OM *does* get in touch with you soon, and all is well!
Meow
Hey Libs,
Can't say I'm more tolerable of any crap that MM may dish out... not that he actually dishes out a lot really.
Sweet
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