How tolerable are you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
How tolerable are you?
14
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 10:00am
I find myself being 100xs more tolerable of the crap that OM dishes out my way than of anyone else on this planet. Sometimes I think Im afraid to upset the apple cart - but why? What is this hold he has over me all about?

Does anyone else walk on eggshells in their EMA?

(Boy Im full of analogies today huh! LOL)

Liberal

a/k/a cl-imshagnhurman

callmeliberal@hotmail.com

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 10:08am
hi imshaqnhurman l throught l could put up with stuff SG giving me but not anymore.he really didn't care about me at all makes me so sad l fee like something wrong about me.but l know nothing wrong about me it was my sg he real jerk.he would cal lme w hen good for him he seem to care anything about my feeling at all. hugs
kimmy
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 10:15am
Liberal

Ain't that the truth!! I do it too -- I take crap from him that I NEVER would in a "real" relationship. The NC for days, the meeting at HIS convenience, etc.

I don't know about you, but it has made me pull away and begin to care less about it all recently. Of course, that's when he comes barreling back at full speed ahead.

By the way, congrats cl-imshagnhurman!!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 10:21am
I'm somewhat the opposite. I'm more open and honest w/MM than w/anybody else. I tell him openly how I feel and what I think. But the very nature of our initial relationship required me to be totally honest w/him as he started out as my boss and that's how I saw him for so long. Then we became friends and because I cared I felt I had to be honest w/him about things I saw him doing or not doing. Now that the relationship has moved to another type, I can honestly say that I STILL don't tolerate crap from him. However, I don't think he's ever tried to give me crap. Just the other day he told me that he's doing everything possible to be extra special good to me. And I see him doing that in all things he does.

Seems to me that you have a "need to please" others thing going on. You may feel you want to please him to the point of taking that crap from him when you shouldn't be taking his crap the way you are.

Laugh Smiles

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 10:32am
This part of your statement interested me, Charlotte:

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That has happened in the past to me as well. I know that game-playing is a bad idea, but there are some basic relationship rules that might work here. In "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" he talks about intimacy cycles and how men have to pull away from time to time to reassert their strength. (Not all men do this, by the way; it depends how clingy the other party is in the relationship as well as how they were raised, etc.) The book has a list of things the woman does wrong when this happens and one is waiting nearby anxiously so she'll know the second he comes out of it. Another is trying to coax him back. He says the best thing a woman can do is to just go away and let him have his time. Don't be available when he calls NOT because you're playing games but because you've devoted your attention to other matters. Go shopping with friends, devote time to your marriage and family, whatever... I think maybe what you're noticing is that when you do pull away like that, he's not feeling quite so pursued. It's the INTIMACY that scares these types of men (and my MM is one of them). My H hasn't been like that since we married although he was like this when we were dating. But I've figured out that the reason H isn't like that is that I'm the one who's emotionally distant in our marriage. During the times when he pulls away and spends time with his family or whatever, I find myself missing him and wanting to be with him more. It's not that I think I'm going to lose him or whatever; I just get bored having him wrapped around my finger all the time and when he does other things it makes me feel like he's NOT wrapped. One of the main reasons these men pull away so much is because we don't. So the second you start noticing him doing his usual stuff, pull back. Don't wait by the phone or call him every second. Let him pursue you for a while. If he doesn't, just go do other things and eventually he'll come back to you when he's ready...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 10:57am
Thanks lilah...great advice. I remember reading that book years ago. I'll have to get another copy. I definitley do give him his space -- I have been very conscious about not being clingy. But, in the beginning I WAS waiting and worrying, etc. as to WHY he wasn't calling or contacting me. I talked to him about it -- all I said was that when he wants out, or it gets to be too much, just tell me. So I do now know that NC doesn't necessarily mean he wants out -- he's just sorting things out for himself (for whatever reason). And yes, intimacy does scare him. No doubt.

It still does annoy me though! I don't get as upset anymore...I definitley have mastered the whatever attitude, and I have come to the point where I don't HAVE to busy myself -- I just do my thing. (This is the way it's going to be as long as this "thing" lasts; I've come to accept that). Maybe it has annoyed me to the point where I don't care as much -- he obviously senses that and comes, well, barreling back!! (definite Mars-Venus thing).

You are right in that when I pull back -- there he is!! That's just the way it is.

MEN!!!

Charlotte

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 11:23am
It all makes sense if you go by what "Men Are From Mars" says. The book specifically says that if you allow them to go away and have their time (he calls it "going into their cave") that when they do come out of it, they'll be even stronger. Also, the book says one of the main things NOT to do is not to punish him for going into his cave. If he comes back, ready to be intimate, and you have your arms crossed over your chest and demand to know why he's been treating you this way, he's just going to pull back again. Welcome him with loving arms and understand that's just what he needs to become more intimate with you. It's been a while since I've read the book as a whole (although I do glance at parts of it from time to time), but seems he compared men falling in love to a rubber band. He said they pull away like a rubber band and when they get as far as they need to go, they come back again. Then they do it again and again and each time they come back they come back a little stronger...and that's how love is. Your relationship gets deeper with each time he does this. I think the difference is, they don't show it as they did in the early days. Their feelings are there and they are deeper than ever but they don't feel the need to tell us, so we feel like they just are bored with us or using us or whatever. Actually it's just that they feel they don't have to tell us anymore because we know. Then we get bored and frustrated and it's not a pretty picture! I wonder after a while if we don't just settle into what we have in our marriage, where we're used to each other and our routines and we take each other for granted??? If so, doesn't that just put us back in the same situation as we were being married without the A?
Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 8:33pm
i am with the person who said she is more open and honest. Maybe because with my marriage i always felt like there were "walls" between us, but it's almost impossible for me to put up with any crap or to dish out any in my A. We have always avoided games and been very honest and it just continues that way. As i said perhaps i enjoy it so much being my M wasn't that way

jenny

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 11:02pm
That's an interesting synopsis, Lilah, and though it doesn't fit all the people all the time, it does fit my relationship. MM & I *both* require our caves, lol, and have done from the beginning; I think it helps us keep a perspective.

Further, *if* MM & I had an open, committed relationship, I would hope we would keep our respective caves! IMHO, it's healthy to have a life outside of the relationship, seperate from the other person - and in doing so, one always brings something *fresh* (new experiences, etc., and no I'm not referring to sex lol!) back to the relationship.

Yeah, sometimes I do get frustrated waiting for him to come out of hibernation, and perhaps he does, too. I *usually* keep my head above water by trusting MM will let me know if things change (drastically). Once in a while I get brave and chase the bear out of his cave, lol, but I respect his need to slip away mentally and physically, as I do too.

And, I think it might be true, too, that (most) men don't feel the need to reassure, where (most) women like reassurance. I was watching a sit-com last week with Jim Belushi (sorry, can't remember the name of the program), on this very subject - a friend of Jim's and his wife in the program was buying his wife jewelry, etc., and Jim's wife wanted to know why Jim didn't do that for her - he replied that he's married to her, and doesn't need to show his affection, or something along those lines. Generally, men think like that - they've said it, and that's that - no need to rehash it, lol; while women like to analyze and well, think on it or re-live it.

I've been meaning to read that book, Mars vs Venus, for sometime - I think I'll see if I can find a copy this weekend.

Thanks for sharing!

Meow

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 11:24pm
Well, Lib, there could be a handful of different reasons as to why you are tolerable of OM.

I would not be tolerable *at all* if MM was disrespectful or dished out "crap" - but then I have just seperated from an intolerable situation, one in which I was too tolerable for too long.

Perhaps because your home life includes a healthy relationship with H, it is not a top priority in your relationship with OM that he not dish out the crap. You might love each other, but *know* you won't be an open, committed couple, so it's a moot point, and why stress on it (most days).

Maybe what you consider crap is normal for OM - if I remember, he is the way he is with g/f, and therefore knows no other way to maintain a relationship. Usually, you remember that you can't change him - if change is going to occur it has to come from him, and if he doesn't see it as crap, then he's not going to clean it up (what's crap for you may not be crap for him). So again, it's a moot point for you to go there or stress on it (most days).

That's just a couple scenarios, based on my own experiences, not necessarily your situation. Everyone's tolerance, and idea of crap, is different. You are a strong, uh liberated, lol, person Lib - it doesn't mean you are weak or accepting of disrespect if you continue to enjoy a relationship with OM - as long as it meets your needs. I think people can have a different definition for disrespect, too.

I hope OM *does* get in touch with you soon, and all is well!

Meow









iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Fri, 10-24-2003 - 7:40am

Hey Libs,


Can't say I'm more tolerable of any crap that MM may dish out... not that he actually dishes out a lot really.

Sweet
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