How young is TOO Young??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
How young is TOO Young??
24
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 11:21am
Recently there has been a new guy at work. At first we just did our jobs and what not then it sort of developed into something more. We flirt all the time and hang out after work and had sort of a mini date the other night...we went out for milkshakes and then drove around talking about children and careers and all kinds of things. It was so nice!

There are a few problems here though... I am going to be 21 in a week and he is still only 17.... 18 in June. Is he way too young??? Also, we are both in relationships... mine is of 4 years and I have been questioning it for a while now and he of 9 months.

When I lay all the facts down it just looks so wrong but when I am with him none of that seems to matter.

He is so complimenting, fun and everything my boyfriend is not. A co-worker actually asked me how my "boy friend" was. I said hes just my friend and he said no way looks like more then friends to me! This makes me think the attraction between us is so obvious!

I cannot get him out of my mind and all the signs that he is into me are there and its known that we like each other i think.

WHAT DO I DO???

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 11:42am
PLEASE someone respond.... i really need some advice i have no where else to turn!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 11:54am
Hi CM, welcome to the board.

First of all. -- and really, most important: Depending on your state, I believe that sexual contact between you and him is more than likely illegal until he reaches 18. Be extremely careful with this, because while it might not seem like a big deal, you just never know what things can happen. With a woman being the older it is less likely to be prosecuted (if it came to that) but it is still likely against the law for you to have sexual contact with someone under 18.

Having said that... it sounds very much like you're an average 21 year old, sweetie. Four years you've been dating? Since you were 17? You've grown and changed a lot since then.

While it says something for you that you've been able to date someone so long at such a young age, I think you should consider moving on. You're sooo young in terms of life experience, and that's a wonderful, wonderful thing. Everything is fresh, and there's a lot of things to explore for you. You're probably growing a lot right now, and if your BF isn't growing at your pace or your direction, it's going to become more and more of a problem.

There's a lot out there for you to experience, and if you're having doubts and issues with your BF not being the person who lights you up, you should give strong consideration to ending that relationship. You're not married, apparently not engaged (and even if you are, that can be changed) and you're attracted to someone else. This board has plenty of people who forced a relationship beyond its natural life span (myself included) and got married, now they are sorting out how to deal with it. Try to learn from our mistakes a little bit if you can.

What do you do? What you think is right, what you believe will make you happy. It sounds like you really feel good about this new interest, and others notice it. Maybe it will be just the thing you need to move you on from the BF, a good wake up call at the right time. Other than the legal aspects, age doesn't matter. The difference in your ages is hardly important when it's only 3 years or so.

Do not let anyone here or in your real life try to push a decision on you. Go and live your life. Be happy by accepting happiness when it comes your way... just as it has now.

Good luck.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 12:03pm
Boy did u hit it on the nail! I feel how u explaine my relationship with my boyfriend. it is just so hard. i have never had to break up with someone before. all we know really is each other and that scares me. he doesnt really get what i mean. i just see a new and exciting adventure with this new boy and it makes me happy which i cant say i have been lately. i really appreciate your advice and will really take it into consideration!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 12:29pm
CM,

I know what you mean. I'm 32, and I've broken up with... um... well, maybe two or three people that I've ever actually said "let's break up." I've let a few weak relationships die of neglect when I was younger, but I've never ended a long relationship until now... and it's been the hardest thing I've ever done.

Just keep in mind that breaking up is always hard, but that your happiness is your responsibility. It's natural to be scared about change, but if you're honest with yourself, you'll be okay.

There are lots of sources at this web site, several of which deal with breaking things off. Check them out, there is some very good advice on how to approach this, what to say, what not to say, etc. You'll be fine.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 1:13pm
thank you for your advice and support....hopefully i can figure things out
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 6:16pm
CM

I think if there's anyone who can relate to your situation of age, it's Omaha and I. I don't know if he's told anyone, but he and I are just under twelve years apart. I know it seems like a lot, but if you can't tell already, it hasn't let anything stand in the way of us. Sure, the future holds a lot of obstacles for us, but we're ready. My only advice to you is, make sure he's willing to be with you the way you want to be with him. I'm only a year older than he is, and I know how most guys my age just wanna "score" with and older chick, but maybe you, like myself have found one of the lucky ones.

best of luck,

IS

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2004
Sat, 04-24-2004 - 11:37am
As far as the age of consent, it is anywhere from 14 in Hawaii and Idaho to 18 in California.

Check out http://www.webistry.net/jan/consent.html to see if its safe to be with a 17 year old.

That said, you are very young and should go for some fun experiences. There is no way you can know if your bf is for you unless you see other guys.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Sat, 04-24-2004 - 3:09pm
The age of consent does vary from state to state, but IS is 18 so that isn't an issue for us. Regardless, the idea that you have to "see other guys" to find out if someone is right for you is ridiculous. How many guys and over what period of time? At what age is it okay to meet your soulmate and know that person is right for you? If you meet them at 18 are you required to let them go just so you can "see other guys"? I think if someone is mature and aware of what they seek in a partner, age is pretty much irrelevant. As IS said, we face some obstacles other couples wouldn't. But our bond is stronger than just about anyone else's I know so I'm not afraid to face them. The key is as you both grow and change (and I believe we all grow throughout our lives), you grow together, not apart.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Sat, 04-24-2004 - 5:16pm
Omahamm if you ever saw the movie Serendipity, the lovers separated for a while to see if they were really meant to be together. I think you should let your GF go on her own for a while - to college, date with other guys to see if she still wants to came back to you. She is only 18 and your wife is going to have baby if I am right. This is not the time to take on a GF even if you are separating from the wife and the girl is too young to be with a man your age. After a few years she might be ready for a adult man like you. So, if I were you I would think its time to let go temporarily and see if IS is really that - inevitable soulmate. Just my dispensible two cents, whith usual disclaimers.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Sat, 04-24-2004 - 11:05pm
you clearly don't know what love is about.

um... i wouldn't let omaha "let me go" because i wouldn't go anywhere, except into his arms.

we know better than anyone else what we want and what we need.

IS

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