How your affair started...
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| Tue, 08-19-2003 - 3:16pm |
Any insights on the these ideas/questions would be very much of interest...
First, The early development of the affair. Had situation been building up over a long time... had you got to the stage where you had definately decided it would happen, and planned the place and time, or was it more of a sudden "heat of the moment" kind of thing? Experiences of how it all began would be most interersting...
Second, sex with marriage partner. Do you still do it, if so less often or more often. Wondering if the affair 'awoke' something inside you, which in turn spiced up your married sex life, or did it just make you less connected with your spouse than ever?
Third, Health issues... using contraception, esp condoms. Did you use them... if not, were you concerned about the health implications, etc... this could potentially have extra consequences for those who also sleep with their spouses.
I guess I'm just trying to work out the whole head vs heart thing, and to what extent the heart takes over the head in these cirumstances.
Regards to all
tickley

He called one morning while we were both on our way to work and we passed each other in our vehicles while on the phone. I just decided right then and there that I wanted to actually "see" him. We both rode a few mintutes trying to find a secluded enough place to pull over and talk. We did and we got out and hugged each other and he kept kissing me on my forehead. Later that day, when I talked to him again...I told him I wanted to come see him that same night, I did and that is when our IC started.
As far as sex with my husband goes, I guess I seem to be the odd ball because I do still enjoy sex with H. We probably don't do it any more or any less than before and yes, there are times that my mind is totally on MM. This is what has changed for me than the first time we had an A being that I just couldn't have sex with my H at the time, it nearly made me sick just thinking about it...I guess age and experience has helped this somewhat as I was 23 the first time and am now 34 and just not as willing to let go of what I have in life.
Health issues, let's see. I don't use contraceptives as I had a tubal ligation three years ago when my last daughter was born so getting pregnant is not an issue with me. As far as condoms relating to STD's, we don't use one. We both are in the same committed relationships we were in the first time we had an affair. I've known this man since I was 16 and dated him then too. I talked to him for quite a while before the IC started and we talked about all of this too. I am confident that he is otherwise faithful to his wife as I am, because I wouldn't be doing this with anyone other than him. As far as our spouses go...I'm totally not worried about my H bringing something home to me and I know his wife is the same way...so I'm very confident that we are okay in this area.
As far as the head and the heart, I think I've thought with my head through the majority of this thus far especially with the above issue, but my heart is very much into play now and at times I find it empowering my mind as well...sometimes I have to step back and really think things through and I hope I continue to do this...I think age has helped me with alot of these issues.
I sometimes wonder how I got where I am today... about 10 months after the birth of my first child... I got to the stage where I'd just had enough of DH. He didn't do anything to help me out... never has... I washed, cooked, cleaned even when I was working full time and now I had a baby to look after. He didn't even seem attracted to me either... and I was frustrated with the lack of initimacy... and I got sick of knock backs. I wasn't depressed... just lonely.
I sometimes get embarrased about this... but initially I decided I needed 'something' and decided that I was going to get online and hell! maybe I could get into some online sex... just for some fun. Well... in a way I got more than I bargained for... I made friends and it was fun. I started talking to a guy in the states and we become involved in an emotional affair... that's all it could ever be... there was too much distance between us. We emailed, chatted, talked on the phone... but after awhile he become busy with work and I found that I couldn't chat with him as much and I sort of become a little lonely again. I used to sit in the chat room that we met in and chat to people in there... I had made a couple of friends... then one day... MM private messaged me to say hello... and I haven't looked back.
As it turned out... we lived in the same city... 20 minutes apart. We become friends... he had marriage problems and of course so did I... I think we used one another to bounce things off. We exchanged numbers and would also talk on the phone and then one day decided it was time to meet in person. I was so nervous waiting to meet him... but when I did... I felt like I'd know him for ages... I was so at ease and comfortable with him. I admit I was attracted... but the thought of sleeping with him... didn't even cross my mind. It wasn't until over the next month or so and the more we talked and the more we talked about... we opened up in a lot of ways and I began to wonder where it was going... and then way day... I pretty much asked. He was attracted and so was I. We discussed taking it further... and both agreed it was a possibility. We arranged to meet... and things went from there.
At first... I have to say that sex with DH was difficult... I had not been with someone else for somewhat 15 years and that DH and I were going through major problems and I just didn't want to sleep with him. Now however it's different... DH and I started working on things and did begin to want him again... although I didn't want to lose MM either. Just the other day MM actually said that he is my viagra... because I want more! and I guess that makes DH lucky as MM can't be there *lol* There are times when I'm really not into sex with DH... but most times... I enjoy it. MM's different ways have given me more to explore... if you know what I mean.
Health issues... MM and I did use condoms to start with and actually are using them at the moment... even though I'm on the pill. He uses them with his wife as she is not... and it's a habit thing for him at the moment. We have however not used them at the times when I've been on the pill... but always when I haven't. I'm pretty confident that we are both safe... of course one can never know for sure.
As for head v's heart... I went into this with my head... and I've stayed strong throughout and understood what this relationship is... and still do... although I have to say that after 3 years... sometimes to heart has it's say. I do love this man... but I also understand the relationship we have... and I'm happy to have it for what it is... and continue to do so for as long as I can.
Sweet
Sweet
Co-Community Leader My
About 16 months ago we began working on a new project together. I had taken a new job that put me in touch with him on a daily bases almost.
One day he walked into my office and was standing behind my chair kind of to the side and after a few mins I relized I was rubbing his calf while we were talking. We started out flirting and thing just moved forward. At some point I made the decision that I was going to let it be more.
I think in a way my H tries to control me and in the begening it was kind of away to say I am my own person and you can't tell me what to do. But I do have very deep feelings for him. I know it sounds corny but... we fit together. I take care of my family, my H, my H kids (who are 22 & 26) and I'm the pick me up for all my friends. OM is for me! A Hot Bath, Bottle of Wine, and OM that is for me.
I went through a time when sex with H was very diffuclt for me. I have moved pass that for the most part. I do think about OM when we are having sex.
OM (joe) and I have not had IC yet- he kissed me for the first time in Oct of last year. We have had oral sex, This man would not even kiss me when he had the flu so I don't worry about STD with him. We have talked about it.
When we have IC (we both - want it to be a over night date)we will use condoms, because I don't take BC Pills - so H and I use condoms also.
I have an awesome sex life with my H, he is just awesome when it comes to sex. I do feel weird though thinking of MM sometimes but it has actually sent my sex drive into overdrive. And hopefully will continue to.
As far as protection goes, we've had this conversation, I can't be on the pill or shot or anything with hormones. I use condoms with H and MM uses condoms with W because both of our spouses want more children, but we've decided that we won't use them together, he is going to try to get his W to let him get a vasectomy. I know when I ovulate so we will avoid at those times and use pull out the rest, and these contraceptive film things. I'm not worrying about him giving me anything because he's clean now and has never had an A before and says that I'm the only one outside his marriage that he will ever be with. You'd have to know him to understand.
I still have sex with H. I don't particularly enjoy it, but if I didn't do it, H would be suspicious and eventually put 2 and 2 together. The A didn't change anything sexually between H and I, that changed before we even got married, so I lay and constantly think about MM.
MM and I used condoms way back when, but neither one of us liked them then. I guess his history with girls before I came into the picture worried me, but that was 10 years ago. Now it is so few and far between that we get to see each other, we don't use anything. It's playing with fire, I know, but it's almost like we want to get caught so we can stop sneaking around.
My relationship with him started from the heart. In college, my heart is what led most of the time. But now, it is 50/50 between my heart and my head. When I find my heart leading me to cloud 9, my head kicks in and pulls me back to reality.