howdy / introduction

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
howdy / introduction
16
Sat, 10-04-2008 - 10:46pm

Hello Folks,

I just found this site last night courtesy of a lady who posts on The Experience Project.

I am a male, a man, a guy, a stud, a sperm donor, a dsck, whatever. I think that puts me in a minority here.

My story: I am fourteen years into a marriage that gets sillier every day. We have two wonderful children, who I love and who I cherish seeing every day, and they are the main reason I'm staying married. I'm not staying for their sake, I'm staying for my sake. I like being with them.

My wife has become malicious, vindictive, destructive, and hostile over the past few years. She is the type who would cut off her nose to spite her face, so she doesn't exercise much restraint when it comes to offering criticism; she just opens up and spews. She likes to manipulate by threatening, usually by threatening to withdraw. Over the past two years she has terrorized our ten-year-old daughter by repeatedly threatening to take off if daughter's behavior doesn't improve. Our three-year-old has been listening to all of this --and to the frequent door-slamming-- since he was born. I've seen her alienate her sister, her mother, and other folks for no very good reason except suspicion that they may be trying to do this or that to her; she will instantly hate someone because of the way they dress or speak or walk. She blames others for all of her problems, and she has more problems than anyone else who has ever walked the face of the earth. Her life is so much more difficult than yours or mine -- and you know what?

IT'S ALL MY FAULT.

I could go on, but I think you get the idea. But this is not her introduction, it's mine, so I will stop talking about her right there and move along. Just wanted to give you some background.

So, me: I'm attractive, healthy, happy, well-traveled, well-read, and well-educated. I have a fascinating job, I pay my bills, I take care of my responsibilities, and I don't mind getting my hands dirty grubbing around fixing things in the bowels of the house. I like people, generally, and I enjoy talking. I'm pretty affectionate, both verbally and non-verbally, and I'm the sort who likes to touch a lot.

Oh, I just remembered why I'm here: We have had sex about twenty times in the past year, which does not include even once in the past couple of months. She is "withdrawing", as she puts it. She "doesn't want to be intimate with anybody". She "isn't ready to be physically or emotionally close to anyone". This is after fourteen years of marriage.

Last night she "withdrew" to the basement with all of her clothes and other junk. She did it because she ordered me to do something and I told her "no way", so she had to punish me. I just laughed because she wasn't doing me much good in the bedroom anyway.

So, back to me. I'm looking for what I'm missing in my marriage: affection, intimacy, touching, secrets, and all of the other stuff that keeps me burning. I feel no guilt whatsoever about my decision to look around. I've been cut off, and I figure I don't need to suffer because my wife has decided to act out and rage and be petty. There was a time when we had a wonderfully close, physical and emotional relationship, and I need that.

I have been married twice before and have had a string of adventures along the way. I want you to know that any advice I offer here comes from years of reflecting on years of experience, mine and others'. I do not throw out suggestions lightly. I've been through enough living to have some insight into these things.

Hope you can use a guy's POV here. I can already see from reading your posts that it's vastly different from the way that women tend to look at things, but I guess we all knew that. :-) I'm going to be throwing in things from time to time that might make you wince, and I hope you understand that I'm only trying to help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2008
Sat, 10-04-2008 - 11:08pm

I for one

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2008
Sat, 10-04-2008 - 11:16pm

Welcome to MAS. Shinesome!

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Sat, 10-04-2008 - 11:24pm

Hi Shine


(and hey, Pretti--glad to see things are going well!)


If you had come on here to ask if you should start an affair, most of us would have said a version of no. But since you didn't ask, but tell us that you plan to, all I can offer is that please, please, please be very upfront with your chosen partner that you NEVER plan to leave your W because of the kids and that you only want a FWB (or whatever it is you want). In the two plus years I have been on here, I see time and time again women who THOUGHT they were Ok with a FWB or with MM's not leaving fall in love, get distraught and heartbroken. Just the nature of the beast.


Also, it sounds like your wife is rather mean-spirited. Should she find out, I would fear for you in that she could take the kids away and/or cause lots of trouble for the other woman. Please be careful and weigh the risks of what you want to do.


You didn't ask--but I would advise some mental health counseling for your wife. If what you write is true, she is very unhappy and possibly clinically depressed.


Good luck. Good to have a male POV.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2006
Sun, 10-05-2008 - 12:13am
I suppose she won't go to counseling either. Sounds like she has either PMS, depression, some other mental illness, or is she possibly an alcoholic or addicted to something? None of that is normal behavior. It's not at all healthy for the kids to see and hear this crap. Tell her to get counseling, knock it off on her own, or you'll help her pack.Give her a timeline and if you don't see any improvement, be firm and change the locks on your house and say adios.The fact that she cana't get along with her other family members is a big red flag. This is not going to change; it will only get worse. What do you think she'd do if she found out you were having an affair, if she's already this unstable? Maybe you can get together with her family and do an intervention. Tell her she won't be allowed to see her kids until she is straightened out.Get a separation. You definitely have grounds for that and a divorce.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2008
Sun, 10-05-2008 - 12:56am




Welcome, Shinesome,


I am a regular lurker, this is my 3rd or 4th alias on this board, but quite some time since I have posted here. A male POV is always welcomed and very appreciated on this board and certainly brightens our day. :)


Your situation sounds very much like my AP's W, from what I know anyway, and as another poster suggested, it does sound as though your W may be suffering depression. Not your problem, it is hers, but it certainly needs to be addressed.


I am a S mom of 1, early 40's, AP is MM of about 20 years, early 40's, 2 kids and his M is much like yours I believe. We have known each other for many years and due to career changes, we are now LD (long distance). A tends to run off and on due to distance, time, family & career obligations, but we have a connection that always has been and always will be. I run the emotional roller coaster, not so bad after all these years most of the time, but as another mentioned, it is tough being the one needing more from the one who won't/can't give completely. It sounds like you may know the drill. From what I have read, for MM looking for AP, MW is a better choice if there is no intent to leave your situation as SW tend to always need more from the A than MW who have similar obligations as yourself. Just my .02 cents worth.


Welcome aboard.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2008
Sun, 10-05-2008 - 1:00am



BTW, I will apologize now if my posts appear to be running off the page. At least that is what is looks like on my end. Guess I need to check my font/spacing etc. Feel free to let me know what it looks like on anyone else's end as over here, my words are falling of the page to the right....;)








iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2008
Sun, 10-05-2008 - 1:02am



Just trying to fix the dreaded words falling off the page...arg...let's see how this works and how many letters or words I lose...








iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
Sun, 10-05-2008 - 1:06am

Hi there -


Yup - your words are falling off the page - we might be missing good stuff.


And - BTW - since I'm nosy by nature - I'm gonna go nuts trying to figure out your other aliases now.

lightning in my heart

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
Sun, 10-05-2008 - 1:39am

Hi Shine -


Thanks for the introduction - whew - that's quite a story.


I have to agree with my friend Snow - you haven't asked - but if you did - I too would discourage you from having an A - just as I do with anyone who does ask.

lightning in my heart

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2008
Sun, 10-05-2008 - 1:56am

Hi Shinesome! As I have found out, you already know who I am, at least you have seen some of my posts already.... again, sorry.

Ok now to the good stuff. I think that most of the posters on this board can feel where you are coming from. I absolutely love this board. It has been my saving grace many times. My good friend obxbell just threw me a rope today, and Wheew, I needed it. Most people here will offer you the same. A piece of mind in the midst the chaos. This whole A game is rough. There is one thing that I am DYING to know from the male perspective, and you will only know once you have met your AP. That is the emotional roller coaster issue. I mean for me it's like I obsess about too much of what AP says and does. I read things into it things that don't need it. I drive myself crazy. I just want to know how it goes for you. You sound like a very caring and sensitive man, that's very attractive btw, and a great source of valuable opinions.

I hope that you find what you need. Like I told someone else the other day, everybody needs love, attention, and made to feel special. Anything less is a rip off, and I am not going for it.

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