HOW,how,HOW,How??????

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
HOW,how,HOW,How??????
10
Sun, 10-12-2003 - 1:37pm
Please somebody tell me HOW to make the hurt subside? HOW to make the mind stop wandering? HOW to stop feeling jealous? And most of all I know he loves me and doesn;t truly love her, so HOW HOW HOW, when he is such a emotional, kind hearted man does he deal with being with me and then taking her to all the social events?????? He calls me from the bathroom, from the parking lot, calls me when she goes to the bathroom. HOW HOW HOW can i not matter enough to completely be with me????????????????????????????? Please don;t tell me to end the A, to get rid of all these HOW's, cause Im not, I can;t, I don;t want to......So instead please just try to help me understand the HOW'S?????

Especially the wandering mind and the loneliness/hurt!

I am single with children, so I feel so alone......I also am starting to drink terribly to actually fool myself into believing this helps me deal......There has to be someone who understands......My life is slipping away,,,consumed with I think obsessiveness, especial with thinking!!!! I would never ever ever advise anyone to even allow themselves to get into this situation. It is the most hurtful, destroyful feeling. Too many years to give up now........Is it true, take two steps back to make him one step forward? BUT HOW???? I thought i was pretty intelligent, but i really can;t play the game....WHY>

PLEASE HELP!....SO CONFUSED,HURT,ANGRY,HEARTBROKEN,LOVED DEEPLY(PART TIME) in Reality, but not in his heart, so he says.

I think I am slowly dying inside....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-12-2003 - 2:25pm
Take a break sweety. You need some time to get yourself together. I am no longer involved with exMM, but I'm single with kids too and I know how the time spent thinking about him takes you away from your kids - you're there in body but not in spirit and it's really, really unfair to them. You also have to realize that whether or not you matter enough to him has nothing to do with your worth as a person. He is not the be all, end all. He has you doubting yourself and that's just wrong, but unfortunatly it seems to be a side effect of an EMA. My suggestion for you is to find a good therapist and take a break from him to be able to see things more clearly. Your self worth and the quality of life for your kids depends on it. Some people can handle these kinds of relationships and some people can't, it can be too emotionally damaging. Good luck - believe me when I tell you I've been there and it's a tough place to be, but keep your chin up, you can get through it!!

~hp
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Sun, 10-12-2003 - 7:34pm
Like you I am single w/ kids. I am new to the A rollercoaster (8 mos). We have been very close friends for 10+ years but things evolved into an A. MM has told me that he is in love with me, he hates W, if it were not for his small kids, he would have divorced W. I know this to be true not only because of our conversations before the A but I have met his friends and family who have told me the same thing. I was told that since he has been M, he has not been happy. Since we started the A, they have told me that he has been the happiest they have ever seen him. He was the one who started talking about a future together, etc. This makes the fact that he is still w/ her even more difficult. I KNOW he loves me, that he is not lying to me about his feelings or the status of his M.

I came to a realization over the weekend though. I thought of the first time we met to consummate our A. The weekend was perfect, I felt things I didn't even know I was capable of feeling, there was a tenderness, a connection. I reflected on the conversations, emails, etc. Even if things don't work out the way I hope they will, I would not trade these memories for anything. I wouldn't want to have missed out on loving him and being loved by him. I know I have his heart - she has his physical presence. He calls me first to tell me when things are going good and when they are going bad.

Yes, it drives me crazy to think about the fact that she has what I want and doesn't even appreciate the wonderful man she is married to. The thought of them going places as a family is maddening. But then again, the reason he is still there is b/c of the kids and he has to keep up appearances for them - so yes that does mean family functions. More often than not though, he takes the kids on his own and she goes elsewhere.

I think that the how's creep into my mind as a way to protect myself. It is my way of doubting him so that I will have justification for reserving or drawing back my feelings about him. I don't know how long I will remain patient, I don't know how long I can take the rollercoaster of emotions we all discuss on this board. Everyone is afraid of the unknown and an EMA is full of unknowns. Sometimes I feel that she has all the control, but then again, I know that I am the one in control of how I react to things. I am the one that can stay or leave this situation.

As for your drinking to tolerate the feelings, it doesn't help. Don't be afraid to let yourself feel the full range of emotions of life. We can't fully appreciate happiness if we don't have some grief in our life. Numbing yourself to the issues in your life doesn't make them go away, not even temporarily.

Turn to friends or this board to vent your frustration, lonliness, doubts and joy. It is hard to say the least to love a man you can't have or have to wait on.

Hugs,

saatty

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Sun, 10-12-2003 - 7:35pm
dear hp

thank you for your suppport and understanding. I have been one of the women that can handle this relationship until now.! 4 years. He is everything I have ever wanted. More than I could possibly hope for. I do not put him first before my children, but I want this relationship with him so much. Just as my children make me proud to be their mother he makes me proud to be his love........I realize you have to be happy with yourself first, but every person you love in your life, relatives, moms, dads, children, best friends and lovers all contribute to your happiness, *sometimes your sadness too*. I am a very strong, level headed women, always been capable of anything.....Until lately. I hurt,,,just this awful feeling in my chest.....Plain and simple hurt. At the same time he makes me so happy. If I give up, eventually I will lose the hurt,,,but i will also lose the happiness. And the happiness is tremendous. He brings out the best in me and makes me who I want to be. I don't want to walk. I will take the advice on a therapist,,,thanks,,,,,thanks so much. fl27
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2003
Sun, 10-12-2003 - 8:47pm
I can agree. I am single with a child. I think about those things. My MM calls me at every opportunity. He tells me that he hates being someplace that doesn't feel like home and the sight of W repulses him. The fact that he is still there is because his mom is visiting. A change is supposed to occur, but I can't help to wonder also....I know that they do not do family things together. They haven't for 3 months now. He takes them where ever he wants to take them and she does go off on her own. Yes it is hard to not think about all that.....but drinking can't solve everything....especially if you have little ones that look to you for things. At times I don't want to get out of bed, but I do because I need to take care of my boy....I need to go to work.....I need to keep going. My boy is what keeps me going....He tells me to stay strong through everything....it's supposed to make us stronger together in the end. Hmm.

You have friends here...we are here for you!!!

Hugs...MEOW

Kitty Kat

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Mon, 10-13-2003 - 10:50am
Girl,

You need to seek counseling. Anytime you turn to alcohol when you have problems, that in itself is a bigger problem. Don't cheat your children or yourself any longer. Call your insurance provider and get a counseling referral TODAY!!

Laugh Smiles

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 10-13-2003 - 11:15am
I am really worried about you. Your posts have been so filled with anger and desperation, you are on a serious downhill spiral, and you NEED to get out of this relationship and sort yourself out. Before you end up in a place you can't dig yourself out of. Please, if you care about your kids at all (and I know you do), get some help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 10-13-2003 - 11:29am
foreverlovers27, you need to get theraphy right now!! I think your post was a cry for help and a therapist can defintely provide that for you. Please don't resort to drinking it will only worsen your situation esp you being single with children. Please consider going to therapy. Also are you ready to go on dates with other men, how does your MM feel about it. Also please find something to occupy yourself and please stop obsessing. We all obesses but don't let it go out of control. All of the suggestions given to you were good, please take care of yourself. Be well. I am thinking of you....
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Mon, 10-13-2003 - 11:36am
To saaty--this sounds like my mm's situation and I have believed him until the doubts have been creeping in. have never done this so have no clue what I am getting into.

In response to how, how, how. Yes, when it starts to hurt too much and you are thinking of drinking is when you really need to put yourself first --honey your best is not being brought out now and a good therapist can help you get that capable together woman back together again and mayber it is time to get on with your life and let HIM make the choice.

I told myself when I first crossed the line from friendship to love that all the joy is worth the pain that will surely come when it is time to go. And as the stats say--all affairs come to an end sooner or later.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2003
Mon, 10-13-2003 - 5:12pm
Oh, you poor dear. First off, let me tell you that I think it would be so much more difficult to deal with all these "how's" and "why's" if I were single. The fact that I am also married makes the jealousy issues in my EMA somewhat easier to deal with because, as they say, misery loves company. MM is envious of the time my H spends with me, and I am envious of the time MM spends with his W. In the end, though, we both know we really have the best of both worlds at this point in the R. I don't know how I'd manage if I were single....I'm pretty sure I'd be making demands that my current situation does not allow me to make.

Secondly, you mentioned drinking to deal. The fact that you brought that up tells me that a) you are concerned about it and b) you don't want to continue to do it. Please do not self-destruct over this....there are many of us here who have been through all the issues you mentioned in your post. And if you want help with the way you're using alcohol to handle your pain, feel free to e-mail me anytime. I have been there and done that, let's say ;-)

Hang in there hon!

 

ItalianPisces

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Mon, 10-13-2003 - 6:02pm
I hear the pain in your post. When MM act this way in an EMA it hurts and it sucks. But, please listen to the advice you're getting here. As much pain as you are in, you must think about taking care of yourself so that you can be a good mother to your children. You and the kids must come first in your life -- NEVER a man. At the end of the day -- at the end of your life -- it will matter that you were a good mother.

Men are a dime a dozen -- believe me -- and there are GREAT men still out there for you. You will find one once you make up your mind to break free. And, that's the hard part because these EMAs become addictions. So, here's the "how" of making the pain subside. This is hard and it takes time, but I guarantee you, you will be free and you will be happy and you will fall in love again.

First, have no contact with MM. Then, get a journal and write in it every time you're feeling sad, angry, jealous. Write until you can't write anymore -- get it all out. Exercise EVERY day -- even if it's a quick walk -- make yourself do it (that kicks in the endorphins which make you feel better).Make a list of all the things you enjoy doing (going to movies, taking kids to the park, getting a manicure, eating Haagen Daz) -- everything -- and start doing them. Comforting yourself will make you feel better. Make another list of all the people in your life right now who love you and who you love. Spend more time with those people. Once you start feeling better, you will be more hopeful and see that you have choices and a happy future. Good luck and lots of hugs...Susanna