Hubby playing mind games with me

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Hubby playing mind games with me
6
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 11:15pm
I believe my H knows I'm involved with somebody. He's been acting very suspicious lately questioning my every move (where are you going, when are you coming back, why were you gone so long, etc). This morning he said he's been having some "awfully bad dreams" about me, and hopes that he's wrong. He's a very jealous person to begin with and hot headed. I have great difficulty having sex with him, as emotionally I am 'gone' when it comes to being with him. I try to keep up a front as though nothing is wrong as I cannot leave right now due to family issues (two kids in college, a sister who is sick with cancer and living with me, and currently in between jobs). My H has a drinking problem and although is not physically abusive, he is emotionally abusive. He's an early bird kind of person (I'm a night owl), and he waits till the early morning hours to start talking to me (in bed) about how I never want sex with him, how he thinks I'm fooling around on him, etc. I am ashamed to admit it but given his state of mind sometimes, I am truly afraid of him. I've realized that all the years of conditioning have screwed me up mentally, but I don't know if I should give up my MM (who is the light of my life), if nothing else but to let things cool down for awhile. Maybe it would help to give me clarity on getting my life in order. Just had to get this off my chest, I'm not having a good day today and maybe just need a little support. Thanks.
Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 11:46pm
Let me tell you my STBX played some real mind games, and i am so glad to be free of them. They do more long term damage then you realize until you are gone. i know he loved me in the beginning and still probably loved me in the end, maybe he didn't realize how much damdage he was doing (don't mean to make him sound absolutely horrible) but he played some serious mind games that didn't need to happen. He wasn't a drinker, he just wnated to do whatever he wanted with whoever he wanted whenever he wanted. i was afraid to leave thinking that everyone would assume i left FOR MM. MM's presence in my life helped me leave and i am so gald i did!!

(hugs) maybe you should think of leaving, or avoiding him at least if he's drinking. i understand, don't want to think you are alone.

jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 8:18am
You have just described my life as well!!! My H does everything you said. Anymore i just agree with him. The other day he got up early and I asked him where he was going, he said away, and I said hey so am I. Then he replies that he knows where Im going, so I said yeah where, he says to anothers guys bed. So isaid yep thats right. Only I was really going to a hotel. I think it pissed him off even more when I do that. But I think it gives me an advantage, that way he really doesn't know if Im telling the truth!!!! If he does it one more time, Im filing!!! And there is no way im letting go of my MM. He means to much to me. And since I only get to see him about once a week if im lucky, i dont get in too much trouble. I know just how you feel, about all that you said. It takes alot to have sex with him, but if we dont then he gets worse. Try and hang in there, it can be tough, but so are we and we can get thru it. And I have a whole new outlook and attitude towards everything he does, of course he hates it but thats life!!!! I hope you make it ok, and i hope it helps to know that youre not alone. Be strong and youll be fine!!



Hot

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 12:29pm
Honey - of everything you said, the thing that bothers me the most is that you "are afraid of him." Please please please... if you are in a potentially dangerous situation take your sister and leave. I know it seems impossible, but there are agencies to help. Do you have family anywhere that could help with your sister? Don't stay somewhere where you are not safe. It's just not worth it. Why give up the one thing that is making you happy, unless you think MM is putting you in harm's way? We all need something to keep us grounded, and sometime that is the OM. I'm sending a hug your way, honey... and begging you to be careful.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 12:38pm
I soo hate people who play mind games. They might as well come out and say it in your face. That way you know where you stand with them. Its these people that mess up your loved one's life that sometime affect your own relationship with them. Take for my MM example, I would never hurt him intentionally or otherwise and yet he has had experiences in the past that makes him think twice about everything I say or I do. Its sad that people whom you trust should let you down so much that it takes away you ability to love in the future.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 11:00pm
Thanks ladies, all of you. I know I need to pull it together. The strains in my life are really taking a toll on me. I feel helpless when it comes to my sister and her disease, guilty for having my own 'pity party' in light of what she is facing, and resenting my H so much for his @$%!@# attitude. It's his lack of compassion and emotional support for me over the years that drove me away from him and into the arms of another man. Saturday Sister, thanks for your words of advice and concern. I think my H would only become violent if he were to catch me with my MM. But I also know I need to be careful and told MM this. He's very worried about this too. I don't mean to make my H sound like a monster, but he has problems that he refuses to get help for. He's refused to go to counseling, and won't stay on medication to control his depression and anger. Anyway, hugs to all of you, too. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have this board and all of you to turn to. It's comforting to know there are others who understand and have been (or are still in) the same boat. Maybe someday I'll be able to break free and take my life back, but for now I really am stuck. Virgogirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 2:21pm
Hi there Virgo girl. Just read your post and wanted to say my 2 cents to you. My H also is a drinker. And he asks why I don't want sex with him. Well #1 he can't perform anymore it seems and #2 he's never interested anyways, its just if he's been drinking he may mention it but then he can't go thru with the actions. And #3 I tell him when he's drunk and reeking of booze, I have no interest. Sorry, but look me up when youre sober sometime.

Now that being said, he's sometimes accused me of having a "b/f" or seeing someone else. Usually he's accusing me of that as I'm leaving the house for a class at night or something. And of course, he's been drinking.

I just say "ya right". Because he has no idea, the times I do see MM are during workdays in the afternoons, its never in the evenings or weekends.

I feel perfectly justified in what I am doing right now, and refuse to get into these stupid head games with him.

Now when he says anything to me about seeing other guys, or calling him other guys names (which I never have) I just tell him "I'm not going to sit here and listen to this".

I refuse to get dragged into these types of conversations with him anymore. Its pointless, he has no basis to go on really, and he's just trying to start an argument. And conveniently forgetting how he is contributing on a daily basis, to the damage that's being done to our M.

Dont let him get the best of you!! And keep on denying. And just be extremely cautious when you meet MM and however you two communicate.

Take care,

Dusty
xxxx