Hubby Suspicious

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2007
Hubby Suspicious
8
Mon, 01-26-2009 - 9:48am
My previous thread was about me mentioning AP's name in my sleep...so, ever since hubby heard me mention AP's name while sleep talking, he has not let me forget it...any possible chance he has to rub it in, he does....its bad enough trying to get AP OFF my mind, but when hubby is making nonstop comments, it makes it virtually impossible....now all i keep doing is wondering when he's gonna make the next comment.....i told him i have no control over who i dream about, and he says it must be something in my subconcious...and he said he believes our subconcious comes out in dreams.....me and my Ap dont talk on the phone, or text, and we rarely email each other...only when we know we're gonna meet up in a social setting do we email each other. We have been involved for a year and a half now. I cant beleive this is still going on...and how we have been able to hide it this whole time, even from our friends. I guess what helps with that is cuz me and him were casual social friends for 8 years before we really discovered the connection we have. And once we discovered how much alike we really are, we have been even more inseparable when we get together. Our mutual friends know what kind of home lives we have and they are happy me and him have each other to lean on. the ones who know us best still just think me and him are good friends... Last year his wife forbade him to see me anymore .....all that did was cause him to sneak around with me behind her back ..our friends know about that incident too......i'd have to say we have more of a deep emotional connection right now than anything physical..we can read each others minds, most of the time....we hug and hold each other, but we've never done "the deed"...and i dont want to either, until the time is right. He means too much to me to do a slam bam thankyou maam...and obviously i mean something to him too, other than a "piece" cause last week we/he had the perfect oppt'y to get together and become physical....but we both know the consequences of doing something like that right now...and the emotional toll it would take on us. I know this because me and him talked about it two nites ago....he said he has too much respect for me to use me like that...(i never got a feeling of respect like that from any guy in my whole life)....and it was made understood that we are not friends with benefits. we just cant go there....not under the circumstances that are in our lives right now. It would make everything so complicated, not to mention it would prolly ruin our friendship as well....and we dont want that at all....theres too many other things i like to do with him that are not sexually related that i really dont think about sex when we're together..i just enjoy the time we have.
Now hubby just came up to me and said he's gonna stop with the "boyfriend" talk...i'll believe it when i dont hear it....and i suspect for the next few months, hubby is going to monitor what i'm doing...AP's spouse is a micro-manager too...Why do people think they have to 'control' the ones they supposedly 'love'?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Mon, 01-26-2009 - 11:15am

Why do people think they have to 'control' the ones they supposedly 'love'?


I'm willing to bet that it is not just because you spoke your AP name in your sleep.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2008
Mon, 01-26-2009 - 11:37am
Look, you say your friends sense/see/knows about the two of you. You're kidding yourselves if you think your H and his W is oblivious to all of this. They "prolly" know something is up and are just waiting to catch you both. Be glad your H is giving you a hint that he knows, maybe hoping to change your mind to avoid a scandal? Be very careful especially if you both have children's lives than can be devastated in the event of a D-day.


Shadow Word generated at Pimp-My-Profile.com
"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within."


- Ramona L. Anderson
Shadow Word generated at Pimp-My-Profile.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2009
Mon, 01-26-2009 - 1:52pm

I agree with the others. No matter how careful you think you are being, others do detect something. My H has made comments to me about my AP too. He says it in a joking manner and has never come right out and asked either of us if it is true. I told AP just the other day that I think it will come, soon.

I assume from your post that your H knows AP? Has he seen the two of you together? If so, he probably has sensed something is there between you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2007
Mon, 01-26-2009 - 10:29pm
Well i have to say that my husband tonite has really done nothing more than make me feel like nothing more than someone who should go to work all day and then come home to make dinner for everyone. He is home all day, doing nothing at all to help out around the apt, while i am lucky to be able to even work. I have had major back surgery, operations on both feet, and a host of other back and feet related problems. I am exhausted at the end of the day to where i can hardly stand. Some days i can hardly walk when i get home. And he has the audacity to complain because i am too tired to cook dinner???BTW, he went to culinary school..and reduced himself to a janitor job...with a company who he is cheating out of work hours. Works 3 or 4 hours during the nite, and then claims he's so tired he has to rest all day. He wouldn't think of getting a second job to help out with the extra bills....and with this years tax return HE decided for himself that ALL the money , about $4500.00 is going toward a loan. I wouldn't be so p o'd about it if he had at least let me know beforehand or asked my opinion. its my money too. I have a vehicle breaking down and i am expected to pay for it myself. Between giving him some of my pay to help with insurance and the loan, and paying for the tv, internet, and ph, and food, gas... i have just about nothing left at the end of the week. Not only that, he makes seem insignificant what i love and what is really important to me. He actually got mad because i ate a bowl of cereal at nite when i was hungry. Then he proceeded to hide the rest of the cereal. When my Dad was dying in the hosp., he was mad cuz i took time off to be with him. He gets mad when i visit my mom.. he gets mad with just about everything i do and makes me feel like i'm some kind of "thing" to be controlled. Talking to him is a total waste of time.
It's no wonder i get out of the house, against his will and visit my friends. I've got to save my sanity. It's no wonder one friend turned into someone very special to me. I have a fair amount of friends too, but none such a gentleman to me as my AP. He is the one who really encouraged me to go for what i want in life. And because of some of the lessons he has taught me about life and love, i am succeeding in what really matters to me. And it doesn't matter to my husband, and it should. If i was truly in love with my husband, i would not have had any reason to go beyond friendship with anyone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Tue, 01-27-2009 - 12:10am

With what you say about your husband in mind, why, may I ask, are you even still with him? Doesn't sound like much of a marriage. Why are you staying? There's got to be something in it or you wouldn't do it, IMHO.

Your husband's suspicions are completely founded, wouldn't you say? No offense, and I'm not just speaking of you, but of others that have said similar things, but I don't understand when people seem to get rather indignant because their spouses suspect things or behave in a jealous manner when they're right. I don't understand it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Tue, 01-27-2009 - 6:40am

Emily,


I gotta ask, Have you ever lived on your own? I get the feeling you married straight out of your parents house (correct me if i am wrong) and if you didn't please tell me why you continue to live such a slave-type life? This is the 21st century and you don't have to live like this.


I ask that because if you ever have, you'd never want to live this way. I'd be single for the rest of my life before I'd think this was anything I'd want to live. I do live single and can't imagine what you've described.


Seriously...what is in it for you to live like that? Having an affair is not the answer it is a bandaid to what you've described as a giant gapping wound.


You seem to pay the bills and I am sure you could on your own and if not you could get court-ordered support. (not to be counted on) but if you do research you may find yourself qualifying if you have children for assistance or perhaps your family can help you get on your own feet ...feet that have been subjected to a lot too. You let this man continue to be this way. It is called enabling. At some point, as tough as it sounds, one stops being the victim when they are aware, and becomes the participant.


I'd participate myself right on outta there if you ask me. Drop the affair business too and get into taking care of yourself and know what real peace and happiness is so that if you have children, and they grow, you can then have a more fullfilling life without such drudgery.


Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2007
Tue, 01-27-2009 - 11:09pm
Actually, i was on my own for ten years and with two children from previous relationships for 7 of them before i met my husband. Then i had two more kids with him. And no, i dont have any family i can go to for any help, nor do i qualify for a loan at this point either. The womens center in town was of no help whatsoever because i don't have bruises. They can only help women who are in dangerous situations. They had no assistance to women of verbal and psychologically abusive marriages. I have spoken to three diff lawyers, all with very different opinions on the matter. And all VERY expensive. Finding a Sliding Scale Attorney is a joke as is legal aid. And seriously, i would not be able to care for three kids on my own without any support and i cant be sure he wouldn't flee the state. There is also no rental assistance here either and rents are getting higher and higher. And no i don't pay all the bills. he pays the electric and gas and rent and half the insurance. I don't have an extra $1200.00 per month laying around to cover his portion.
An no, i am not into the affair so i can leave my marriage and be with my AP. i never intended for an affair to start much less think about leaving my marriage because of it. I had thought about leaving my marriage long before AP ever appeared in my life.
And one of the things that brings me true peace and happiness is performing for others. My husband doesn't understand that, either. (I am a professional pianist) The joy i get from doing that is like no other. AP helped me go from a timid, no self-esteem performer, to someone with total confidence, and ability in what i am doing. I have gone from being afraid to play for a roomful a people to being able to play confidently for thousands of people like i did last summer.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2008
Wed, 01-28-2009 - 7:24am

Just my .02, but sometimes it can be the opposite way. My H knows both my AP and doesn't suspect a thing. But other men we know, he makes cracks about them, even suggests I think they're hot or I'm doing them or whatever. And he's totally wrong about them, but the actual AP, he never says a word, lol

--jana