HURT ... ANGRY ... CONFUSED

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2008
HURT ... ANGRY ... CONFUSED
7
Thu, 11-07-2013 - 7:43pm

Hi everyone. I am new here. Seems I am in an emotional pickle for no reason and wanted to reach out to you all for your opinions / observations / reality checks. Bear with me ... post a bit - longish. 

I am married to a truly amazing man whom I adore, and who adores me. Clearly, there is something missing as I decided to embark upon what I thought would turn into an affair, but what now looks like an extended one-night stand. 

I met my "AP" about two years ago. He came to the country where I work on an assignment and called to introduce himself as I'm kind of the country manager. It was instant attraction over the phone. A few days later we had to physically work on a project together so we ended up meeting -- sparks flew. However, no one made a move, and I chalked it up to disinterest on his part. I soon learned his very longtime GF (common-law wife) was pregnant at the time and that's what kept him away at the time. (He now has a 1.5 year old daughter.) He's 35, I am 38. 

Text messaging and emails followed, a friendship grew. At first for several months, very PG. Then they got overtly flirty, sexy. He was here several more times but we never saw each other -- probably because neither one of us made the effort. This summer he was here again and we worked side by side day and night -- we crossed paths, but he was on the night shift, me on days, so no "quality" time really at all other than the social outings with coworkers. 

Then came August. Again, he was here. And this time what had become somewhat inevitable happened and we ended up in bed. He had to move to a different city (but still the same country) the next day so communication continued via text. We then made plans for me to fly down to see him. Spent an amazing 24 hours together, mostly in bed, but also some good conversation and "friendly" time. 

That was kind of it. He did keep in touch after our second rendez-vous but did not make an effort to see me before he left to go home to his country. He could have, but didn't. Once he left, I didn't hear from him for a week until I get an email saying that his GF found out about us when she saw some of our (R-rated) text messages the day he got back. I was mortified of course but felt relieved in a way because it explained why he hadn't reached out. We emailed a bit that day and then silence until I received a call from him a few days later. I missed it, so I called him back the next day but this time he didn't pick up. A few days after that, he wrote me a one-line email referring to an article I had written and made reference to the hotel where we had our first tryst. Kind of a reminder of sorts of his existence. 

It has now been almost a month since our last encounter and no worthwhile communication. I have, on the surface, been keeping calm, not initiating contact or demanding any explanations. But, I am so hurt. I feel used. I feel angry, even. 

Is keeping a low-profile common after a spouse finds out? Or is this a case of "he's just that not into you"? I feel there's more to it than just a one-night stand, but this silence is killing me, and I find myself trying to focus on the anger so I can get this guy off my mind. In case you're wondering, we did not talk about where we wanted this to go but he did say one night "I wonder if this will be one of those affairs that will last for years." 

I have no intention of leaving my husband nor do I think he wants to leave his wife / GF. But I would like the affair to continue. Even though we live in different countries, we're only 1 hour apart and his assignments over here are frequent -- don't know when the next one will be. January probably. 

So, what do you think is going on? Potential for this to go on, or does it sounds like this guy was in it for the adventure while he was traveling?

Thank you in advance for all comments and advice. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002
Mon, 11-11-2013 - 10:57pm

As far as I am concerned, it seems that this board is a support board.  Judgemental folks should find another board.  

I know you are hurting.  He is not worth it.  Best way to get over one boy is to find another.  

All my best to you

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2013
Fri, 11-08-2013 - 6:36pm

Rules for A's in my book....don't get caught. That is it. I think it comes down to the two people that are participating in the A to make their own set of rules that are like a custom fit. First time around we really didn't have that conversation and I think that is a large part of why it went so horribly wrong. We both discussed having a guard up with each other but then he would make comments like I could see myself happy with you and other things like that. So, in the end I was confused, broken hearted and head over heels for this guy. When we stopped contact, I went into therapy for some other issues that I hadn't dealt with and those feelings faded and after 9-10 months, I still liked him but I had my emotions more in check. So, we regained contact and had a long conversation about what happened last time and what expectations were. Since someone posted about the feeling "used" thing..,I want to state that at the end of the first time I was feeling very used and he and I talked about that when this past time came about. His comment to me was how is it being used? I get to pleasure you and you get to be pleasured so I do not see it as anyone getting used. He also told me that he speaks in the moment and genuinely meant every word he said to me. This only came about because I brought up all the sweet and amazing things like that above. It seemed like I wasn't the only one feeling something more. He however saw it as we can be nice to each other and such along with having a strictly sexual relationship. Which in the end all makes perfect sense but it was extremely unclear and not what I was use to. Don't get me wrong...I love my H and he is a great man but he lacks in the emotional/physical/romance area and this guy picked up all that and more. No one I have ever dated has treated me so amazingly like he did. I think that I would casually ask what exactly he wants from you...duh...besides sex. I actually did that last night with my guy...I asked him point blank what was going on and such. At this point I would be shocked if he responded since his GF is all over him constantly but so far he hasn't blocked me either so who knows. I kind of figure I will give it a while and then try to reconnect with him. Which I know really sucks and is extremely hard especially when regardless of keeping your feelings in check...it still ends with you being hurt, confused and angry. I kept my feelings in check EXTREMELY well this time and as I posted...I am still feeling that way just not as extreme as last time. It kind of makes you crazy simply because you have no idea if it is because of the GF, if you did something, if their feelings got more involved than they planned or if you are simply a game to play. Which I can understand for single guy but why risk a relationship on a mind game with someone else? My guy has told me over and over again that he only stays with this GF as a safety net for and his daughter since he has no where else to go but cheats on her with me only to cater to her every whim...I don't know....it is confusing.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Fri, 11-08-2013 - 2:40pm

The interesting thing about relationships is that by definition they can't be directed by one person.  You wanted one thing and thought he wanted the same, but you don't really know that for sure, and in any case it's turned out differently, so you have to deal with what IS, not what you wanted a year ago or six months ago.

I would not at all presume to use the word "used."  Why, exactly, do you feel used?  Because he didn't turn out to be that into you, or for some other reason he decided not to pursue this?  In reality, you wanted a fun, sexy, "bit on the side" as the English would say.  Suppose for a moment he wanted more than that - wouldn't he have the right to say you were using him?  I think it's just not helpful to think in those terms; you wanted an affair for your own purposes, and he wanted one for his.  That could be defined as "using" each other, because you each had an agenda that didn't involve fully giving yourself to someone else but just having a relationship that scratched your own itch.  I'm not condemning you for that, I'm just saying you should look at it with honesty.  For your own benefit.

I think that - also for your own benefit - you should just decide once and for all that YOU are in control of your life.  You've ceded control of your moods to this man for a while, but there is no reason he should keep it.  You're his superior, professionally, therefore you should be the one to disengage, with finality.  I don't mean send him some pronouncement that it's over.  I just mean, you go silent on anything not related to work.  You owe that to yourself.

I'd also suggest you look at why, if you "adore" your H, you wanted a full-blown affair.  I'm always leery when people say "my husband adores me, BUT" and "I'm married to an amazing man, BUT."  The truth is that if you thought he was so amazing and you really did adore each other, there wouldn't be room for a third wheel.  There just wouldn't.  Again, I'm not condemning or being judgmental, but there's something wrong with that picture. I suggest you figure that out.

I know this is the affair support board, but there are some situations that aren't really worth supporting.  This seems like one of them.  You want something in the relationship that just isn't there, and that isn't worth trying to support regardless of whether the relationship is between two single people or some other configuration.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2008
Fri, 11-08-2013 - 3:35am

Hi Xxxs and thank you for your astute comment. I am usually fairly good at compartmentalizing. What I am not good at is turning off my brain which churns all the time about everything and anything. Yours is the million dollar question, one I have thought about carefully. Not sure I have been able to answer it 100%, or if one ever can, but for right now, a lover is what I want. No expectations, just casual, flirtatious fun once in a while. But I believe even that involves some sort of communication, no? What has thrown me for a loop is how this has progressed -- differently than what I thought it would be. It has hit me like a ton of bricks because I thought that's what it would turn into -- multiple encounters with talking in between. Simple enough, right? But it didn't. As I mentioned in a different reply, I think what I am feeling is a result of different expectations -- of what I want, and what he wants. Lack of communication essentially. If I knew that this was going to be a one-night stand thing only, I would have thought twice about it and in all likelihood would not have gotten involved. I am not afraid that my emotions will spiral out of control, I just don't like feeling ignored. 

I would like to clarify this but don't know how. He has already mentioned his GF found out and in the event this is true and not a ploy to stop texting / messaging, I am assuming she's watching him like a hawk and I would like to be respectful of his situation by not contacting him and causing more trouble. 

Thanks again ... any suggestions on how to go about this would be most welcome :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2008
Fri, 11-08-2013 - 3:18am

I remember reading your post. It does feel kind of like a game, which I don't appreciate. You described it really well -- feeling like a pawn. Ugh. Xxxs also commented on the feelings aspect of it, which I will respond to soon. I believe they are in check. I think the turmoil comes from a clash of expectations. Or what I thought my expectations were versus what his are, were, or will be. A lack of communication, basically. I do want to ask but don't know how to approach it as I have never been in this situation before. Not sure what the "rules" are, if any. Obviously, I don't want to come off as a drama queen, or as needy, etc. And I would also like to keep my professional reputation intact. I am senior to him and while I'm fairly sure he doesn't see it this way, I would like to keep any show of "emotional weakness" out of this as I have worked hard to build my career. One person's opinion is a minor issue, I realize, but it's important to me. How to do it? Casual, non-chalant message? Or just suffer quietly until, or when, I hear back? Thanks again for your reply. 

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 11-07-2013 - 11:38pm

  Ok it seems that you want more than a lover.  Some people can compartmentalize and others cannot.  First decide what you want and how you are centered.  If you cannot compartmentalize and keep your emotional center within yourself then perhaps affairs are not for you.

Goldfish

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2013
Thu, 11-07-2013 - 9:52pm

I posted a few days based off a similar situation as you are posting about. I needed to vent about it and received various comments on it. It seems that we as ladies tend to be used for a game and nothing more. I don't know this guy at all so I can't say for sure that is what he sees it as but that is how I have started to see my situation along with other responders to my post. I have known my AP for many years. We have always been friends that were extremely flirty but he had a gf that later became his wife and then his baby's mama. I got married...divorced and remarried so the timing was just never right. We talked about it after his divorce but nothing ever came of it since he didn't want to be "that guy"...his wife left him for another guy. Anyways, we lost touch for a while but reconnected. I had decided to work on my M and he had a new long term GF. She makes him miserable by constantly accusing him of cheating so he decided to pursue me. My H and I were having problems so I decided why not!? We started texting all day everyday. He would come by during work. We kissed. He gave me all the attention my H failed to give. I felt special not only to him but to myself as well. Two weeks later, we started sleeping together and I fell even harder for him. I tried not to let him see it but the last night we spent together, we cuddled and he felt I was too close and limited contact with me. He told me his GF was onto us and we needed to cool but it would happen again soon. This was after his GF actually called me accusing us of the A. I finally came clean to my H 3 weeks after the A/contact stopped. H and I know the GF so H told her about the A. Of course, my AP only gave her partial truths after I warned him that my H told her. So, we had no contact for for almost a year. We started to reconnect again in August. We took it slow this time. About a month or so later he kissed me. A week after that, the contact stopped again. I can only assume his GF is the cause but since he hasn't contacted me AT ALL in over a month...I have no idea. I have run into him several times just this past week and he acts like he doesn't know me. So...my point of telling you this...I am hurt, angry and confused by his actions. However, don't expect much from this guy. I would probably ask him...if you can get answers and honest ones at that. Stay guarded and DO NOT fall for him or you will be looking at those feelings enhanced times 10 more times. I fell really hard the first time and I was DEVASTATED. This time around I was extremely guarded with him and I am still hurt by this whole thing. My feelings for him were completely in check this time and it still breaks my heart that I was apparently just a pawn to him.