Hurt over A

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Hurt over A
8
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 3:04pm
Hi, I'm new here but in desperate need of some advice from others who have gone through this. My A started three months ago,with a SM . The first few weeks were the most increidible of my life, I never felt guilty for being with him. After a while he started to get jealous of H . I told him I couldn't leave my M because I didn't want to hurt H. We began to argue a lot because we couldn't see each other as much as we wanted. So we tried to end A a couple of times but I couldn't let go. Now I know that I'm in love with SM, and don't know whether to end M or not.

I have a toddler and my husband works for my very nosy family. I feel like I would destroy his life if I told him I wanted us to separate. Yet I really don't want to put any effort into my M.Is this evil?? I just feel like I stopped caring for H in that way a long time ago(well when OM entered my life). If my M does end I would be alone for a while. OM knows H and tells me that I shouldn't end M because of him, but I feel that I don't need to be married just to have someone, I love H very much, but my heart belongs to OM.

Sorry this is so long, please give me some advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2003
In reply to: crazynlove7
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 3:27pm
I think you should really take a step back and look at your M. You should not leave your H because you want to be with OM or you’re in love with OM. We all have those feeling in the beginning of the R. And you should NOT let OM push you in a direction you are not ready to go. OM knew you were M when he started this R (or at least I guess he did?). Your OM sounds controlling to me.

I understand the emotions are running high right now, my advise would be to tell OM you need some time to deal with your H and your M.

JMO

dayz

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
In reply to: crazynlove7
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 3:53pm

hey crazynlove -- i posted to you on another thread, but i don't know if you saw it or not.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: crazynlove7
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 4:05pm
Wow. "Cl-gurlfriend"! And sage advice as always.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
In reply to: crazynlove7
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 4:13pm

hey you, where have you been?!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: crazynlove7
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 4:26pm
I'm fine. A lot has changed since New Years - but good changes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
In reply to: crazynlove7
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 8:40pm
When you enter into a relationship based on deceit..you reap what you sow and end up in misery...and cause much grief to many. Did you expect any less?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: crazynlove7
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 9:05pm
Cool your jets. It's not so black and white as you think it is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
In reply to: crazynlove7
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 10:42am
Amazingly, I have recently posted about a situation that is a mirror image of yours. I too am married and started an A with a single person. She and I didn't intend to have an A, but it developed to the point where we were both in love. So I was torn between a M that wasn't really all that bad, but unfulfilling, and my feelings for the OW that were so strong and based on a real connection. Ultimately I decided to give my M a real chance before leaving it. My W and I have a long history together along with a 4 year old and another child on the way. I couldn't in good conscience leave her without being sure we can't fix the problems we have. I still don't believe we'll be able to get past all the resentment and distance that has grown between us, but she deserved the effort. The part of this that is difficult is letting go of the OW (OM for you). It has been extremely painful for me because I didn't just lose a lover, I lost a best friend. But I don't think it can be done any other way. I still hope that if and when my M does end, I'll be able to reconnect with her. But either way, I know if I had left my M for her and things didn't work out, I would have regretted it. Now I can do things with a clear conscience and know I did them for the right reasons. If you're like me, this isn't what you want to hear, but it was the right choice for me. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. You've got a long road ahead either way. If you need any help or support, let me know and I'll help if I can.