hurting badly...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2008
hurting badly...
1
Fri, 09-12-2008 - 6:58pm

Hello girls, I haven't posted here in a bit since i've taken up going to a shrink which does help, but I still feel a lone talking to him because he just doesn't understand because he can't relate like you ladies can. My husband I had an amazing marriage for a good 10 years, but now he has become very self-absorbed and pays very little attention to me, if not, none at all. It kills my self-esteem when I try to be sexy for him and he completely ignores it, I hate when I ask him to go out for dinner with my friends and their husbands/boyfriends and he replies "no" when I say, "fine, i'll go with someone else," he goes on to say how he'd be happy if I did because at least he wouldn't have to. It kills me that the man who was once so attracted to me and would've never let another guy so much as look at me will now just be so careless. It hurts me everyday that I have to turn to my AP to fill in all the holes my H has created. When the A first started, I felt guilty and terrible, but now I don't even care. I've threatened to my leave my H and he shaped up for about a week, then went back to his usual non-caring self. I don't understand how a man changes like that? I don't understand why, I've never done anything to do him wrong (except for the A which was only started from his neglect), his friends are always telling him how he's so lucky that his wife doesn't mind him going out with drinking with his friends and is always so laid back about not attending events and so forth while their wives are all bitchy women who call them constantly to the point where they have to turn off their phone. When his friends heard I threatened to leave him, they told him that if he let me go, it'd be the biggest mistake of his life. Does this not scream to him that he should appreciate me? That he should put more effort into our fallen apart marriage? I've tried talking to him, asked him to go to outselling, everything, but he wont even look at me pretty much now...

And AP... Oh, dear sweet AP.. He is such a sweet man and I do love him, but he is not my H... I know this sounds so mixed up, but I just can't help it, AP does things that remind me of how my H used to be like and it fills me with happiness, but then I see H and I endure all of his neglect and I just feel terrible again. I've asked him to treat me better, I've literally done all I can, but nothing is working, he wont even sleep with me anymore...

I don't want people to think i'm only with AP to boost my self-esteem, it is much more than that, trust me. We were high school friends and when both our relationships collapsed we turned to each other and it just kind of happened.

Anyway, that's my rant, thanks to those who read and thank you so much for all your support. I do not know what I would do without you ladies...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2008
Fri, 09-12-2008 - 8:06pm

Ask yourself why you are still married. Do you have kids? If not, then why not get out and take care of yourself? No one should have to endure emotional abuse. Your self-esteem is low because of who you live with. Know that you are better than what you are treated.

It doesn't get better and will only get worse unless you do something about your H. It sounds like he's depressed and is expressing it in anger. Maybe you need to see your therapist together. If he is unwilling to do that, then he is unwilling to fix the marriage. Get out before you do any more damage to your self esteem.