Hurting pretty badly..not sure what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2014
Hurting pretty badly..not sure what to do.
Wed, 01-01-2014 - 12:42pm

I love my bf, we've stood by each other during trouble for just over 7 years. (I'm 29, he's 31). (My dad passed away in those years, financial trouble, mom in hospital). We started to drift apart. I craved his love and attention, probably unfairly. He couldn't provide what I needed, maybe I needed too much..

I stupidly started an affair 2 years ago...long distance, with the idea that we might meet and hook up a couple times. He became my closest friend, and I was the first person he ever loved. (According to him). I became so infatuated with him. We had so much in common, and so much fun...We've texted each other every single day since we "met" on the web (on a hobby forum), and we webcam and talk on the phone. We met in person once, I went to his city, spent a few nights together. He's told me a few times that it's the best 4 days he ever had in his life.

The issue I'm having is that I'm scared of losing him. He's never had a girlfriend, just one fling that lasted a year. (He's 25) He tells me he's not really interested in a relationship with any other girl, and if things were different and we lived in the same country at least, we would be together. I'm so confused. I get excited when I get txts from him or hear his voice, but I love my bf and hate that I'm involved in this and doing this to him. At the same time, I've tried to stop with this guy, but I think I'm addicted to the attention and how he makes me feel. We have webcam sex and phone sex and it's amazing.

I don't want to lose him, but I'm scared if I stop the sexual aspect of our relationship and just be friends, like we started out as, I'll just be reminded of how much I love him and want him every time I hear his voice. I'm so confused and hate myself right now. I don't want to hurt anymore, and I hate the idea of hurting anyone else anymore.

He's going to be starting full-time work soon, and I'm sure he'll meet a girl, even though he's convinced he's not. (He doesn't have a whole lot of confidence in his looks, even though I think he's cute). I'm scared of being replaced, even though he's assured me that can't happen, since he loves me so much. I feel like I'm being selfish, I want him to be happy with someone, but I can't stand the thought of losing him. I know if he meets someone they'll have this amazing relationship at the beginning like it always is and he'll no longer want anything to do with our escapades, or me for that matter.

Please help...