Hurting..afraid to post on EAS

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2009
Hurting..afraid to post on EAS
6
Mon, 12-28-2009 - 5:18pm

I think everyone pretty much knows my story with AP or XAP.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2009
Mon, 12-28-2009 - 11:39pm

Jap,


I am really really sorry to hear how you're hurting. We have all been there/are there. I'm there with you. I'm not sure the details of your story, if you're M or not, etc. I would suggest that you take some time to decide what it is that you want. Really think about it. You've initiated NC and i don't think that's bad. I think it's a good idea. Either way. At least you stood up for yourself. It will give you some time to think. If he wants you i'm sure he will be back. Don't worry about that. You will, by then, have made up your mind hopefully so he won't catch you off guard.


Unless you are sure that you want the A over, it won't be over. You have to be sure. That is my biggest problem as well. I cannot succeed at ending it because i'm not sure that i want it to end. Don't get me wrong, i know it has to, as it's just an A, and it's wrong, but deep inside i don't want it to end. So i'm going on auto pilot, thru the motions of ending it. I hope that will be enough.


I hope you're having a good night and keep us posted.


Hugs,


Sunshine

.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Tue, 12-29-2009 - 11:28am

How dare him make me feel this way?


He is not making you feel this way. You are choosing to feel this way. This may be tough love but I think you need it. This man is M to someone else. He has another life and you are a small portion of it. I don't know if you are M but you are way to invested into someone who considers you as only an option. Invest in yourself, learn to love yourself enough and if you are going to stay in this A realize that you are his side dish and stop trying to make yourself his main focus. It is not his fault that you are allowing yourself to be treated this way. It's your fault.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2009
Tue, 12-29-2009 - 11:59am

Wow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Tue, 12-29-2009 - 1:25pm

Hello jap_lostinlove,

I am very sorry you are going through so much pain...I know EXACTLY how you feel (for a second there I thought your post was something that I had written!).

My AP/BF has certainly done the same kind of things to me over the last 2+ years, I too don't really know why I put up with it. Except that he's said similar things as your AP did. Of course the most important being that he won't leave me, no matter how cold he can sometimes be to me. I've come to discover that these undemonstrative men can feel very overwhelmed when we let our emotions fly, they just don't know how to deal with it.

I've done the exact same things that you have, except it's through text and not email. My god, he would REALLY get tired if he had to read whole emails all the time! But, I have sent text after text...almost virtually saying the same things you've just admitted to...eg., "what did I do wrong?". I've also finished with the "I deserve better" bit too. He actually mentioned the other day that the "truth" tends to come out in those drunk texts...for the most part he's probably right. I do feel like I deserve better, I feel cheated beyond belief because I left my marriage because I had fallen so in love with him...and he hasn't/won't leave is marriage. His oh so cold and empty marriage. The pain of that is blinding sometimes.

My response is to try and be as cold as he is, no texting...nothing. I struggle with what to do if/when he eventually calls me up again...I almost ALWAYS answer the phone.

Your last paragraph says it all for me too. This is never going to work...and dammit, I DO DESERVE BETTER. So do you. Heck, so do we all! The sick part is, whenever we are apart for a while (due to an argument/misunderstanding, or whatever) I also feel that I can continue no contact...holding on to the anger and pain helps with that. However, I love him so much, and when I'm with him I don't feel lonely anymore. It's brutal.

Anyhow, I just wanted to tell you that I understand how you're feeling. Keep posting here until you're ready to let go...we ALL understand, KWIM?

Hang in there,

benska

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2009
Tue, 12-29-2009 - 1:50pm

Thanks for your support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Tue, 12-29-2009 - 1:53pm

Hi Jap.. been reading your posts a while.. I hear you.