I am broken hearted ,help

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2012
I am broken hearted ,help
7
Sat, 04-07-2012 - 9:15am

I stumbled upon the board while doing search on google for help on affairs. I cant believe that this is the only board I found that offers support in this type of relationship.

I will keep it very short as I am not sure if it is a safe place to spill my beans .

I am a married woman in an affair with a divorced single guy.He is a very close friend of my husband. We met when he was married . We all used to go out together with our kids and all . It goes back to about 20 years. About 10 years we moved cities and my husband and him stayed in contact. His wife and I were never very good friends but got along . 2 years ago my husband told me that his friend, lets name him F , has gotten divorced , got a new job and has moved to our city.It was a news to me like any other news.I mean, it wasnt a big deal. I didnt have a thing for him or looked at him in that THAT way untill he ripped my clothes off with his eyes a year ago !

My husband and I get along quite well. We have our problems but nothing too bad , everyday small issues.Now, F pursed me relentlessly , sometimes in my home w/o my husband around , till I gave in to my desire awakened by F. No sex but this close . I want to , F is ready but the timing never seems to be right.Its building up and F says he wants it bad.

I am old enough to realize that his desire might go away once he has me so I AM trying to control ,lol. F has gotten bold enought to call me sometime at night when my husband is home. F says this turns him on like crazy and masturbates himself to sleep when he does this.Sorry for TMI guys but this is getting very confusing to me. I told him last time he called at 1200 that he shouldnt do this.F said that he was wanting me bad and couldnt get any sleep , lost control and had to do it.

Up untill 2 days ago , all was fine between us.He then threw a bomb on me which has brought me here. F said that he wants me to divorce my husband . He says that he will talk to me only if I get a divorce.I asked him if he wants to marry me? He says he waants to see where we can go in terms of relationship when both of us are single. I asked him , will he be there for me , support me emotionally ( financially I dont have any problem as I have a good paying job , kids out of home ) in this divorce.To my surprise he said 'no'. He wants me to sort out all the divorce proceedings and the mess that comes with it and then come back to him and try to date .

Now, since the affair began, I have started to see flaws in my husband which I was ignoring before.We have many fights as I bring up issues which were being ignored earlier. I do want to divorce sometimes but not for F but for myself. F , otoh, does sleep around .He hasnt told me but I know. He doesnt date. I cant ask him not to because he is single. We have a age gap of 12 years , F being the older one. He is in a hurry . He is 55 and does pride a lot on his looks and ' abilities ' .

I figure, if he cant be there for me at my worst ( divorce , if at all ) then how can he expect me to be there at my best ( divorced, financially independent , emotionally sorted out , in great shape ,body and mind )

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2012
Sat, 04-07-2012 - 9:23am
Sorry, it was supposed to be a short post but I got carried away,lol !

I didnt even post my query !
I am stuck in what F said. What should I do ? I am planning on divorce by the end of this year . If I coerce F , he will be back in my arms in no time . I know his weakness ;) . I wont regret it , about this I know for sure.
Or should I ignore him and let him come to me as I know he wants it as well. I am so confused.Or ahould I end it ?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2010
Sat, 04-07-2012 - 11:37am
You're going to destroy your marriage and your H because this guy (and he is NOT a friend of your H no matter what he says) gets your juices going? You won't regret the sex - but once you're past that you'll regret the destruction.

Take a step back and think about the aftermath -

End it, get out of the fog, and then decide what to do about your marriage. This guy is playing head games with you using a used car salesman's tricks (make offer, exert pressure, withdraw offer).

Good luck -
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Sat, 04-07-2012 - 8:29pm
Welcome to the board BB, it is a safe place to post as long as you don't give away information that is easily traced.

(He is a very close friend of my husband.) Ouch, he is NOT a very good friend, good friends do not pursue and wreck their friends marriage.

(I didnt have a thing for him or looked at him in that THAT way untill he ripped my clothes off with his eyes a year ago !) The attention, set your mind in motion, it made you feel wanted.

(My husband and I get along quite well. We have our problems but nothing too bad , everyday small issues. Now, since the affair began, I have started to see flaws in my husband which I was ignoring before. We have many fights as I bring up issues which were being ignored earlier.) You are caught up in the affair fog, the drama, the excitement, the forbidden all of that has sucked you in. This makes the little problems with your husband escalate into bigger things. You begin to pick him apart.

(F pursed me relentlessly , sometimes in my home w/o my husband around. F has gotten bold enought to call me sometime at night when my husband is home. F says this turns him on like crazy and masturbates himself to sleep when he does this. I told him last time he called at 1200 that he shouldnt do this. F said that he was wanting me bad and couldn't get any sleep , lost control and had to do it.) This is a game to him, the thrill, pushing the limits, living on the edge all of this is making him feel alive with excitement. I wonder if he derives pleasure from seeing how far he can push you. What happens once the game is over and real life steps in?

(I am old enough to realize that his desire might go away once he has me so I AM trying to control ,lol.) If F has no qualms about pursuing you relentlessly, what makes you believe, if you divorce, meet back up with him, he will never go on the hunt again? Are you willing to take that chance? It is obvious he is driven by his lust and the Chase.

(He says that he will talk to me only if I get a divorce.) Love is not built on ultimatums. Love is built on respect and wishing happiness upon the other, not forcing your hand to fulfill ones lust. I fail to see his respect for you.

I think you need to step back and evaluate the entire situation. F knows he has you hooked on the attention. Thus he feels he can press you and force your hand, with his threat to stop talking to you.

I can understand your desire to divorce, but would you still want to if F was not in the picture? If you can honestly answer yes to that question. Then stop the affair, take one more honest look at your marriage without the influence of F and then make your choice. If your meant to be with F, he will still be there waiting.

I wonder if F thinks that if you pull the plug on your marriage, you will give into your lust. I also honestly wonder if he is in this for the long haul. I just can't get past the fact, that if he loved you, he would support you through a divorce, not disappear and come back after the fact.

I think the whole think is selfish on F's part. I also agree with the previous poster, F is playing head games.

Good luck

~Sunny~
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2011
Sat, 04-07-2012 - 9:18pm

As always, Sunny is very right.

Let me just add that you mentioned that you could coerce him into giving you attention again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2011
Sun, 04-08-2012 - 12:49pm
Ok , y￱ou say divorcing wouldn't be too difficult for you as you have a well paying job & kids are out , so what exactly are you going to tell ur H , kids & faimly ? , that you having an affair , fell in love with H 's friend & now going to dumping him for his friend ?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Mon, 04-09-2012 - 9:40am

Hi Broken,

I agree with all the other posters. If your going to leave H than make sure you've exhausted all means of saving

 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


<

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2009
Thu, 04-12-2012 - 1:05am
brokennbroken wrote:

I stumbled upon the board while doing search on google for help on affairs. I cant believe that this is the only board I found that offers support in this type of relationship.

I will keep it very short as I am not sure if it is a safe place to spill my beans .

I am a married woman in an affair with a divorced single guy.He is a very close friend of my husband. We met when he was married . We all used to go out together with our kids and all . It goes back to about 20 years. About 10 years we moved cities and my husband and him stayed in contact. His wife and I were never very good friends but got along . 2 years ago my husband told me that his friend, lets name him F , has gotten divorced , got a new job and has moved to our city.It was a news to me like any other news.I mean, it wasnt a big deal. I didnt have a thing for him or looked at him in that THAT way untill he ripped my clothes off with his eyes a year ago !

My husband and I get along quite well. We have our problems but nothing too bad , everyday small issues.Now, F pursed me relentlessly , sometimes in my home w/o my husband around , till I gave in to my desire awakened by F. No sex but this close . I want to , F is ready but the timing never seems to be right.Its building up and F says he wants it bad.

I am old enough to realize that his desire might go away once he has me so I AM trying to control ,lol. F has gotten bold enought to call me sometime at night when my husband is home. F says this turns him on like crazy and masturbates himself to sleep when he does this.Sorry for TMI guys but this is getting very confusing to me. I told him last time he called at 1200 that he shouldnt do this.F said that he was wanting me bad and couldnt get any sleep , lost control and had to do it.

Up untill 2 days ago , all was fine between us.He then threw a bomb on me which has brought me here. F said that he wants me to divorce my husband . He says that he will talk to me only if I get a divorce.I asked him if he wants to marry me? He says he waants to see where we can go in terms of relationship when both of us are single. I asked him , will he be there for me , support me emotionally ( financially I dont have any problem as I have a good paying job , kids out of home ) in this divorce.To my surprise he said 'no'. He wants me to sort out all the divorce proceedings and the mess that comes with it and then come back to him and try to date .

Now, since the affair began, I have started to see flaws in my husband which I was ignoring before.We have many fights as I bring up issues which were being ignored earlier. I do want to divorce sometimes but not for F but for myself. F , otoh, does sleep around .He hasnt told me but I know. He doesnt date. I cant ask him not to because he is single. We have a age gap of 12 years , F being the older one. He is in a hurry . He is 55 and does pride a lot on his looks and ' abilities ' .

I figure, if he cant be there for me at my worst ( divorce , if at all ) then how can he expect me to be there at my best ( divorced, financially independent , emotionally sorted out , in great shape ,body and mind )