I am falling apart. No one to talk to...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
I am falling apart. No one to talk to...
5
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 1:44pm
I don't know if I can do this anymore. been in A with MM for almost a year now, and I am experiencing incredible guilt right now. H has really been making an effort lately, and I feel ashamed, upset, disgusted with myself right now. It would absolutely devastate him if he ever found out about the A.


sorry... I accidentally posted this on the incorrect board.... CL's, could you please remove the other post on the games & giggles board? TIA....


I love two men. I won't leave H for MM, and MM won't leave W for me. That was part of our "ground rules" when this first began.

I just feel so alone right now because I have no one to sit down and talk to about this. I was seeing a therapist for a couple months, but my coverage ran out after a couple months. that was the closest I've ever been to completely opening up to someone. There are things that I can't share with MM, and obviously there are things that I can't share with H.

H and I are going away this weekend, and I have to put on that smile and act like everything is great. I have to play "the perfect wife", since everyone around me thinks that I am. That is so much pressure.

On the outside, I am a pillar of fortitude. On the inside, I am crumbling.


Complicated

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 3:00pm
Don't you just love it when the employee assitance bucks run out? In the end I'm not sure what is gained by such ventures, in my case I heard a lot stuff I already know. Just when you think you are getting somewhere - oopps, I'm sorry, the meter ran out. I know where you're coming from. I have to put a smiley face on everyday. Some days it's really tough, other days it's already there. Whatever the case, I always try to make the best of it. It's not easy living a lie, but there you have it. You said you don't want to leave your husband. Is it because something is still there? If the boiler and engine rooms are not completely flooded, the ship can still be saved. Make the best of your weekend. Try and forget about all else and go have a good time for yourself. I'm having one of those weeks where everything is so f'd up, but you gotta just keep chugging forward. Hang in there and remember there are many folks out there in the same situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 12:13am
I know exactly how you feel. The worst part of this whole thing is not being able to talk to anyone about it. It drives me insane sometimes. This is the first time I've posted on this board and I'm glad I found it.

My situation is a little different from most I've read so far. I've been married to H for 14 yrs (I'm 31) and have 2 children, ages 6 & 3. I met my H in high school and we married right after my graduation. I love him and we have a great life together. We are very compatible, have great conversations and he loves me completely and unconditionally. But before I met my H I was involved with an older guy (8 years my senior) and he and I had an on-again, off-again relationship for 4 years. He broke up with me because he felt it was too hard with our age difference. A few months after I got married this guy called to wish me a happy birthday. I told him I was married and he was crushed. We saw each other a couple of times around town and talked a few times on the phone, then nothing. A few years into my marriage my H and I separated. I contacted my ex right away and found out he had gotten married 3 weeks earlier. (We've obviously never had good timing.) He contemplated leaving his new wife, but in the end felt too guilty. I ended up reconciling with my H. We talked several times a year after that (we never told anyone) and we continued to have feelings for each other but nothing happened. Our first physical encounter came 5 years ago. We met for lunch on a workday and ended up kissing in his car. After that we saw each other for lunch once or twice a week and talked on the phone at night or during the day. This went on for over a year. Sometimes we would stop for a while but eventually we would start up again. We never went beyond kissing and talking. Then after a year and a half we finally decided we couldn't stand the tension anymore and made plans to meet in a hotel. We did and it was great. I found out 2 wks later that I was already 3 months pregnant (obviously my H's child) and things broke off. After my son was born we hooked up again. No matter how much time goes by we always end up back together. We've continued our A all this time, separating for periods of time and then always finding our way back to each other in the end. I saw him yesterday and today (first time since November because of the holidays) and it was amazing. He gave me a ring. He said he felt I deserved some type of gift since we've been in this relationship (on-again, off-again) for over 18 years now. That's where my situation is so different. I've been in love with this man for more than half my life and though circumstances have kept us apart, we seem to find our way back each time. Neither one of us plans to leave our marriages (he has two small children too) and neither of us want to break up our families or hurt the people involved. I just can't picture my life without either man. He makes me feel so good and though my H and I have a great life we don't have the kind of passion I feel when I'm with this man. I know that's selfish but it's how I feel.

Any advice from anyone? I feel so bad sometimes, sad that he and I can't be together all the time, but guilty that we're sneaking around. Our relationship is more emotion than sex (we've only had sex twice in all this time, though we kiss a lot). I don't know how to end it and I don't know if I can handle the pressure of keeping up the "perfect wife" routine I seem to have perfected over the years.

Hope someone has some advice...I sure could use some words from people who know what I'm feeling.

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 11:26am
God i wish i had advice because i am there too. I read the womens post on this board that have detached themselves and i wish i could do that. I was just thinking this morning how horrible i am. My h once told me if i put as much effort into our marriage as i did everything else, we would have a great marriage. Little does he know that extra effort goes to someone else. My situation is a little different as i had a miscarriage two months ago at 17 weeks. It devastated me. I had cut myself off from my A and used the pregnanct the my H and i had tried for a year before the A to make my life good again. Now i not only blame myself for the loss of my baby but for all that is wrong in my marriage. The only place where i can escape reality and feel good is with my OM. I am in love with him but i wonder if it is because the every day dramas don't come into play when we are together.

I've made a decision to end my A soon. I am too scared to do it in person because i know how hurt my Om will be. He has blocked the married part of me out of his mind and really considers us a couple. I feel like my husband deserves for me to give it a shot. If it doesn't work out, i'll know it wasn't meant to be.

i'm not sure if i helped...i think this is something you have to work out inside yourself and no therapist can really steer you in the right direction. It is just good to have someone listen without judging....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 11:41am
hi littledancer and welcome to the board! glad you came out of lurkdom honey.

i really am in awe of your story and R with MM! 18 years and you still keep coming back to each other. what a connection you two have!

ummm, i don't have any advice (that's a first for me!) here. i don't get bad vibes from your situation. just seems like you both do have bad timing, but really do you want to explore further future possibilities with MM? you sound like you and MM are both on an even keel with the A and it obviously fills in some holes in your primary Rs, so why mess with it.

or do you want to end the A altogether? if it were me, i'd keep the attachment with MM emotional and talk and hug and kiss all you want to! he sounds like the perfect "other"!

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 1:59pm
Your story sounds so much like mine. I have been married for 20 yrs. to a wonderful man who adores me. I have no reason to have an affair. Mine began about 4 months ago. He is a cop that I met 1 1/2 yrs ago at work. He is also married. One night he kept dropping hints to me and I finally asked him if he was trying to tell me that he wanted to have an affair with me, and he said yes he was. It is so exciting. We both agreed from the very start that we would keep it physical and not emotional. So far I think it is working, though I do think about him a lot and he says he thinks about me a lot. We are not able to get together as much as we would like, but when we do it is great. There is such a thrill that is hard to explain. I to have gone to a counselor and talked about it, he says I should end it now. I know he is right and I know it will eventually end, but I am not ready for it to end and neither is he. He loves his wife and I love my husband. It is so hard when you don't have anyone to talk to. I wish you luck and know that you are not alone.