I am falling apart. No one to talk to...
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| Fri, 01-02-2004 - 1:44pm |
sorry... I accidentally posted this on the incorrect board.... CL's, could you please remove the other post on the games & giggles board? TIA....
I love two men. I won't leave H for MM, and MM won't leave W for me. That was part of our "ground rules" when this first began.
I just feel so alone right now because I have no one to sit down and talk to about this. I was seeing a therapist for a couple months, but my coverage ran out after a couple months. that was the closest I've ever been to completely opening up to someone. There are things that I can't share with MM, and obviously there are things that I can't share with H.
H and I are going away this weekend, and I have to put on that smile and act like everything is great. I have to play "the perfect wife", since everyone around me thinks that I am. That is so much pressure.
On the outside, I am a pillar of fortitude. On the inside, I am crumbling.
Complicated

My situation is a little different from most I've read so far. I've been married to H for 14 yrs (I'm 31) and have 2 children, ages 6 & 3. I met my H in high school and we married right after my graduation. I love him and we have a great life together. We are very compatible, have great conversations and he loves me completely and unconditionally. But before I met my H I was involved with an older guy (8 years my senior) and he and I had an on-again, off-again relationship for 4 years. He broke up with me because he felt it was too hard with our age difference. A few months after I got married this guy called to wish me a happy birthday. I told him I was married and he was crushed. We saw each other a couple of times around town and talked a few times on the phone, then nothing. A few years into my marriage my H and I separated. I contacted my ex right away and found out he had gotten married 3 weeks earlier. (We've obviously never had good timing.) He contemplated leaving his new wife, but in the end felt too guilty. I ended up reconciling with my H. We talked several times a year after that (we never told anyone) and we continued to have feelings for each other but nothing happened. Our first physical encounter came 5 years ago. We met for lunch on a workday and ended up kissing in his car. After that we saw each other for lunch once or twice a week and talked on the phone at night or during the day. This went on for over a year. Sometimes we would stop for a while but eventually we would start up again. We never went beyond kissing and talking. Then after a year and a half we finally decided we couldn't stand the tension anymore and made plans to meet in a hotel. We did and it was great. I found out 2 wks later that I was already 3 months pregnant (obviously my H's child) and things broke off. After my son was born we hooked up again. No matter how much time goes by we always end up back together. We've continued our A all this time, separating for periods of time and then always finding our way back to each other in the end. I saw him yesterday and today (first time since November because of the holidays) and it was amazing. He gave me a ring. He said he felt I deserved some type of gift since we've been in this relationship (on-again, off-again) for over 18 years now. That's where my situation is so different. I've been in love with this man for more than half my life and though circumstances have kept us apart, we seem to find our way back each time. Neither one of us plans to leave our marriages (he has two small children too) and neither of us want to break up our families or hurt the people involved. I just can't picture my life without either man. He makes me feel so good and though my H and I have a great life we don't have the kind of passion I feel when I'm with this man. I know that's selfish but it's how I feel.
Any advice from anyone? I feel so bad sometimes, sad that he and I can't be together all the time, but guilty that we're sneaking around. Our relationship is more emotion than sex (we've only had sex twice in all this time, though we kiss a lot). I don't know how to end it and I don't know if I can handle the pressure of keeping up the "perfect wife" routine I seem to have perfected over the years.
Hope someone has some advice...I sure could use some words from people who know what I'm feeling.
Thanks.
I've made a decision to end my A soon. I am too scared to do it in person because i know how hurt my Om will be. He has blocked the married part of me out of his mind and really considers us a couple. I feel like my husband deserves for me to give it a shot. If it doesn't work out, i'll know it wasn't meant to be.
i'm not sure if i helped...i think this is something you have to work out inside yourself and no therapist can really steer you in the right direction. It is just good to have someone listen without judging....
i really am in awe of your story and R with MM! 18 years and you still keep coming back to each other. what a connection you two have!
ummm, i don't have any advice (that's a first for me!) here. i don't get bad vibes from your situation. just seems like you both do have bad timing, but really do you want to explore further future possibilities with MM? you sound like you and MM are both on an even keel with the A and it obviously fills in some holes in your primary Rs, so why mess with it.
or do you want to end the A altogether? if it were me, i'd keep the attachment with MM emotional and talk and hug and kiss all you want to! he sounds like the perfect "other"!
gurl