I am happy to have found you guys

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
I am happy to have found you guys
11
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 11:13pm
First I want to say I am so glad I found this board! I love knowing I am in good company.


I have a question? What constitutes an affair? I met this man online a couple of years ago. He is married, as am I. We finally made love, and it was over very quickly for him and he was really embarrassed for himself. So he ended it. So to make a long story short, We have since gotten back in touch and have met at the same motel about 4 times in the past 9 months. We make small talk, about how we are and afterwards he talks about work, his dog and light coversations. It is just sex for the most part. I know his last name, as he does mine. But for the most part we aren't that involved. So to sum up my question, I guess I have always had the idea an affair was an emotional connection as well as a physical one. Something of which I don't have with him.

Any thoughts on this?

Heather

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 11:37pm
I guess it's a sticky question. This guy that I'm involved with, we haven't slept together, but we've gone about everywhere else, it seems... He is married, I am not, and yet I never doubted that it was an affair, so... I don't know. I haven't really posted here much either, I'm still reeling from the fact that I've found people I can talk about this with and not have to worry about getting judged or being Discovered, you know? I'm just trying to see where everyone is, and I'm relating to a lot of the stories, but I'm not quite comfortable sharing MY particular story yet. Someone really does need to set down a definition for an "affair," although I'm not sure that can actually be done...
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 12:46am
I feel I didnt pick my situation because its less than ideal. I think I would have chosen sex only or emotional only and not a married guy with kids. Somehow I ended up with all of those things. He said the L word Monday night and I think having heard it makes things more complicated. We have been seeing each other like 4 months. I wasn't quite ready for the words.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 7:52am
Well, I believe an affair is when there is either (1) a close, emotional feeling for someone who is not your spouse or else is married themselves, or (2) someone you have sex with who is not your spouse or else is married themselves.
cl-noregretsyet (co-cl of MAS board)
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anonymous user
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 8:03am


Well over on the UK board they had a link to something that outlined the different types of affairs. If I remember them all they were The emotional affair, the sensual affair, the bridge affair, the sexual affair... not sure if that is all of them. Either way if you are involved with someone (married or not) you are in an affair. Haven't you heard of the term "great love affairt"? Its all the same.

jmho

deedee

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 8:06am
for me, an affair isn't an affair til it becomes sexual. I don't believe there's any such thing as an "emotional" affair. Talking about it, doesn't make it happen necessarily. I'm sure EACH person has their own opinion, but this is mine!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 8:32am
The rule of thumb that I was told is: If you can't tell your spouse/significant other about it then it is an affair. My R with MM is (was?) long distance and emotional only. For a long time I was able to convince myself that because it wasn't sexual it wasn't an A. But that's not how his W saw it when she found out. She considers it to be a full blown A and she is irate about it. My H (who admittedly doesn't know the whole situation but who HAS talked to MM's W) is concerned about the possibility of me having feelings for another man. But his response was to talk to me about correcting the problems in our M. Had I been physical with MM I think H would have ended our M on the spot.

Interesting thread.

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 8:37am
You are right...there are so many different types of affairs.
cl-noregretsyet (co-cl of MAS board)
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 9:09am
I agree with NRY here. I, myself, am single. P is married. We haven't had sex yet. We've kissed, and we feel a very strong emotional attachment to each other. He says that he talks to me more then he does to his wife. I don't think you necessarily have to be sexually intimate to be in an affair. P even jokingly calls me his "mistress." Of course, I always ask him, if I'm his mistress where's the sex and where are my expensive jewels and furs??? It eases the tension when we can joke like that. But yes, I definitely believe he's having an affair...luckily it's with me!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 9:12am
I love when the brain caps are put on!!!

An affair to me, is definitely something you can not talk to your married partner (or anyone that would pass judgement for it being wrong), or rather to the depth it goes, or rather the soaring feeling it gives.

Some mentioned when it becomes sexual, that I disagree with, simply because you can sleep with anyone, and not have an affair, sex being the primary drive (ex. sleeping with a prostitute).

WE have decided that OUR affair will last, even past this time, because he makes me feel that love is not a good enough word to describe what is being felt. I love my DH, but I have more than that for my MM. Just that simple.

His Mitzy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 10:07am
Hey, I agree!!!
cl-noregretsyet (co-cl of MAS board)
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