I am a homewrecker.....help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
I am a homewrecker.....help!
7
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 1:52pm
Ladies (and gents) I am freakin' out here! I just got off of the phone with MM and he is going to try and break it off with his W tonight. I left my H last week and moved into a 2 bedroom apt (because I have kids that will be staying with me half the time). I did NOT leave my H for my MM because we were just having casual sex....no emotions involved...at least that is what we agreed on in the beginning.

Well, I am friends with MM's W and she constantly confides their bad R with me and also she told me something else. I made the stupid, stupid (I am beating myself up over this) mistake of telling MM what she told me last week. I know I shouldn't have but it drives me crazy to see her sitting there acting like she is so perfect and constantly beating him up over an A he had (very briefly) over 4 years ago.

The problem with him leaving her is that he will probably want to stay with me. I have joked with him about "if she kicks you out you can sleep on my couch" but I was never serious. He also informed me yesterday that he had feelings for me. Ouch. That was NOT supposed to happen. Now I find myself in a MAJOR predicament....

Here are my thoughts.......I just got out of a marriage 1 week ago and I am not ready to jump into a serious relationship. I have my kids half of the time and I don't want them to see some other man (especially one they know) living with me the week after I left their dad. My H (soon to be ex) does NOT know about us and it has kept the negotiating civil between us, nor does his W know (we are all friends). If he moves in it will be a bit obvious. Plus, two of our children are in the same class at school. If he does want to come stay with me I have already joked about it being okay when it actually isn't but how do I tell him that?! What have I gotten myself into now?! Help!!!!!

I am pretty sure that he has been looking for a good reason out and now I have given him one. I think he partly is leaving her because he has been miserable for so long but I also thing the other part is to be with me. How will we explain that one to the spouses/kids?!

I am meeting him for a drink this afternoon (our usual getaway). Should I imply that he should room with a friend for a while? I don't want to flat out tell him he can't stay with me because I already gave him the spare key...so he can come and go...not live with me!

I am such a horrible person. It is bad enough that I look her in the face almost everyday when I am sleeping with her H but now I TOTALLY betrayed her trust and ruined her R. Some friend I am......

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 2:17pm
Kar -- an affair is cause not effect.. in other words, you can't wreck the home, it was already crumbling. But in my opinion you should speak up quickly. Especially with kids involved, you need to keep this as clean as possible. For you two to end up keeping house moments after you've both left your SO is going to take the blinders off everyone. And that will make for a most acrimonious situation for all involved. Let him know you're not ready to start a R, that you value him, you value the A, you support him, but you cannot be his place to run to. He's a big boy -- he'll figure it out. Unless, of course, you really do want to take this the whole mile. But I think if you did, you wouldn't feel so panicky. Take a deep breath and be totally honest.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 3:45pm

whoa karen, put the brakes on girl!!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 4:00pm
Well, I'm off to go meet him. I am so nervous! I think I will wait until he's on his second drink before I mention it. I hate serious conversations like this...especially when it was only supposed to be a booty call! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Well, I'll let you know how it goes.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 12:10pm
Well, we had our lunch date and I think I let him know where I stood, no one is moving in with me. He started the whole break up process last night with W but we'll see how it really goes. I think she'll cry and he'll feel bad and they'll stay together and he'll continue seeing me on the side, which is fine....for now. I think I've come to realize that if anything he was just there to make it easier to walk away from my M (which I was miserable in). I know he is definitely not Mr. Right he's just kind of Mr. Right Now. I even suggested last night that maybe we should stop seeing each other because I don't want to be involved in the demise of his M. He thought I was being silly. Whatever. I do really enjoy being with him but this is all kind of drama-ish and draining, ya know?! Am I just totally using and leading on this poor guy?!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 12:32pm

hey karen -- of course you're using him, just as he's using you!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 1:31pm
I have not read the other responses, because I have to leave for work, so for all I know, I'm repeating what others have said, but here goes:

TELL HIM TO GET A HOTEL ROOM!!!!! The consequences to your custody/visitation with kids (and his too, btw) are at stake. Affairs are frowned on VERY heavily in family court and even though you're separated, you are NOT free to fraternize with the other gender and any dating you do could be construed as an affair and if stb-ex wants to, he can make an issue of it in court and SERIOUSLY limit your time with the kids. DO NOT GIVE HIM AMMUNITION!!!!!

Talk to your lawyer about this, talk to OM about this, and be smart. If you and stb-ex are, indeed, able to stay amicable about this, it should all be over in a couple of months and then you can re-assess the deal with OM.

Tell him you're looking out for his interests with his children as much as you are yours. Tell him to ask his lawyer. The lawyer will back you up.

Good luck...let us know how it goes!!

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 2:43pm
You seem like you've got your senses about you. You're putting yourself and your kids first. You're not leading him on, you've been up front with him and it sounds like to yourself too, you've left your H for reasons of your own, not to be with MM. They say it takes about a year after a D before you're ready to move onto another relationship, I kind of agree with that. That happened to me anyways. But if you still see MM, that's something you were doing already anyways. And you don't have any unrealistic expectations of him now that you are single. I say just keep on keepin on!! You'll get thru this, and at least you'll have him part of the time to help you get thru it. As for what's he going to do, that's up to him. But you are very right not to have him move in right now. You need time to get your own life sorted out, and if he's going to make a big change, he should get himself sorted out too, before getting into another serious relationship. Good luck to you, I'm sure everything will be fine!!

Dusty
xxxx