I am hurting already!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2009
I am hurting already!
3
Fri, 08-06-2010 - 3:39pm

I am having a very very hard time. Let me give a very brief background. I have had an A for the last year that has fizzled, it was very hard for me, I really cared for him. But he decided to focus on his wife and try to have their first child. My marriage is OK, I married a father figure that I don't know if I was ever in love with, but we don't argue. We have 2 great kids. I still have to decide if I should stay or go as far as that goes.


So 2 weeks ago, I meet a single guy out when with a friend, and we end up making out for a while. He has never been married but has a son. He said he wanted to see me again, and texted me 5 mins after we were together saying hope to see you soon. I text him 2 days later, we have some light banter and exchange e-mails. I basically just said I had fun and hope to see you soon. So I run into him again a week later (he knew I was at this particular bar with a friend) and we talked for about 10 mins, he had to leave. He said he wanted to take it slow, that he had been cheated on and it was not good. I said fine, why don't we just have lunch sometime? He said that would be great. He called 2 days later and we made a lunch date. Had lunch last Wednesday (day before yesterday)and we had a great time - 2 hours flew by - and he called me 5 mins after saying he had a great time. I told him maybe we can see each other Friday for lunch

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Sat, 08-07-2010 - 9:51pm

I'm sorry you're hurting sweetie. But even if this guy never contacts you again, in a way, he'd be doing you a favor. You are using this flirtation to "distract" yourself from what you should be thinking about and deciding on - your marriage. You gave it a brief couple of sentences. But that's what should be on your mind - deciding whether to stay or go.

It might seem hypocritical of me to tell you not to have an A when I am having one and everyone here is having one, but they never really "fix" anything, they only make us feel better. What could be the long term life of a possible A with this crush of yours, and how would you imagine it ending? It might be that he thought that through himself. Getting involved with a married woman, even one "thinking about" getting separated, isn't the best decision if he wants a stable long term relationship. Maybe he nipped it in the bud.

Start thinking more about what you want to do with your H and your marriage. If you leave your marriage, you have a chance of having a better relationship with someone else. Do you go to counseling at all? It might do you a lot of good to explore your thoughts and decisions with one (it would help most of us out I think).

Keep us updated on what happens! I hope you feel better soon sweetie...

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2009
Mon, 08-09-2010 - 10:42am

Thanks Lexi for your reply...it was getting lost with all the new posts so I was glad to see one!


Yes, you are right, I should focus on the marriage, but the problem is I have done that for so long that I feel like an A is just the thing I need. I do go to counseling, even my therapist thinks it will not work out between my H and me. However, timing-wise, she advises me to stick it out a while longer. Finances will be better and the kids will be that much older. It's hard to know what to do...I never was head-over-heels in love with my husband, and the passion was never there. Although he is a good man and father. I married a father-figure...which is what I needed 16 years ago. We get along fine, but

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Mon, 08-09-2010 - 10:53am

Well, with more information, my response might be a little different. If you're craving an A to help get you through the next few years, this guy may not fill the bill anyway. If he's already pulled back, then he's a "reluctant A partner" LOL. There are a lot of them here, and when you've got one you end up being the initiator and the seducer and the enticer. Your insecurities are magnified with this type because you're always questioning your self worth - "why won't he even answer my sexy text, what's wrong with me, why doesn't he want me when he could have me almost any time with no strings?"... etc. etc. You'll be here all the time asking the same questions over and over... If he's that reluctant, I wouldn't pursue it. Let him pursue you. If he doesn't do that, look for someone who will.

If someone's sure that an affair is what they want, they should at least seek out the type of partner who will give them what it is they need. I don't think this guy is it.

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've