I am just not ready to let this go

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2009
I am just not ready to let this go
13
Sun, 01-10-2010 - 10:16pm

Hello,


So AP and I got to spend the weekend together which was really great and we were able to have some talks about what we are doing, where we are going, etc.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2009
Mon, 01-11-2010 - 12:12am

I'm not going to blast you. Actually, this is what I was thinking I'd be hearing after your last post about being serious about ending it. It's all well and good to say that you're going to end it if you don't get progress from MM but the reality of actually ending it can be too hard to face.


I relate to a lot of what you wrote. I don't really have any reservations about how my actions might be affecting my MM's family and even if I started to feel that way, I'm realistic enough to understand that the damage is already done. Even if I end things tomorrow, what we've done would still be hurtful to his

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Mon, 01-11-2010 - 4:43pm

Hey alive,

No bashing here either, you only just said what I've known (deep down) all along.

After my last fight with AP/BF, we finally got together yesterday. While we didn't discuss what had happened (other than his occasional remarks about the volume of my texting) I still love him, and I know he still loves me. There are SO many times that I've thought that I finally reached the end of my rope, unwilling to continue being the OW...but I know now that I'm not ready to let him go either. I don't feel anything about his W...their R has absolutely nothing to do with me. As I've mentioned before, I am not his first trip to the candy store! So, I just started thinking that I would be just fine if she knew about our R...I've been thinking that if she realized that this is not just some flash in the pan, she might start thinking about her life and where she wants to go with it...who does she want to be? Does she want to be the cuckolded W for the rest of her days? I mean for me, I'm prepared to be the OW for a while because I DO love him...she doesn't love him at all so what is she there for? She could leave and still have the security she has now. She has my pity, not anger. I couldn't live that way.

Anyhow, I'm going to go back to being the person he fell in love with, damaged and flawed though I may be....I'm going to keep it fun, for both of us, because he is the person I have the most fun with, he always has been.

YEP, that's gonna be my plan too!!

Thanks for helping me remember what he really means to me alive, and hey, if we have the odd setback....let's not beat ourselves up, ok?

benska

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2009
Wed, 01-13-2010 - 9:57pm

Thank you both for understanding (when sometimes I'm still not sure I even do! LOL).

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2008
Fri, 01-15-2010 - 9:31am

I am not his first trip to the candy store! So, I just started thinking that I would be just fine if she knew about our R...I've been thinking that if she realized that this is not just some flash in the pan, she might start thinking about her life and where she wants to go with it...who does she want to be? Does she want to be the cuckolded W for the rest of her days? I mean for me, I'm prepared to be the OW for a while because I DO love him...she doesn't love him at all so what is she there for? She could leave and still have the security she has now. She has my pity, not anger. I couldn't live that way.


love
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Fri, 01-15-2010 - 4:59pm

Yes, I guess I am living that way...aren't I? Maybe I'm kidding myself but I don't think he would cheat on me if we were married, because I LOVE him, and she doesn't (and hasn't for 95% of the time they've been married).

No, I don't have the title of wife...I just have his love. I want more, and while I'm pretty sure I'm not going to get it, I still have hope. You never know what's going to happen in this life...you just never know.

I know this because my father left my mother for his OW...and my parents had been married for 33 years! They lived the same kind of life that AP/BF and his wife do and I find it all absolutely mind boggling.

I'm probably the biggest fool going but I don't want to merely settle...I want to live with passion and love. It just really sucks that I feel that way for a bloody MM!

I realize that this isn't going to last forever, because...like you, it's just not enough for me. I truly think that it will end when it's supposed to...when I am ready to move on and want better for myself.

benska

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Fri, 01-15-2010 - 5:29pm

alive and benska,

I think I'm trying to jump on this same boat with you....the let's have fun and enjoy the time we have together one. I'm trying not to think about his GF/FWB and what he has/doesn't have with her. That was my new mind set earlier this week. It's better to have him in my life a little than not at all. Right? Right? Right. Hm.

Well, today, I had the feeling this evening's plans were going to be canceled, and guess what. Got the call a few minutes ago with the excuse. I know what he's up to. I know GF/FWB is going to be with him tonite at a certain entertainment venue. I'm almost tempted to make a "check in" visit and have a full on confrontation right then and there in his place of business (yikes). Seriously, if I had a close friend to go with me and do it, I would. However, I have no one to act as my moral support in that situation so know I won't go for the confrontation.

Right now I feel so anxious. I almost want to cry, but basically knew this was coming. I feel hurt, but still want to see him. That is so insane from any logical point of view! I should want to dump him immediately, but then start thinking of being lonely and other negative things. I'm trying so hard to stay in the "let's have a good time" mind set, but then something like this happens (e.g. a lie) and I start getting all anxious and jealous. I really don't know if I can do this.

How do you guys handle things like that -- lies, canceled plans, etc?

I don't know if I want to call/am ready to call the time of death on this "relationship." I'm really trying this one last option of let's have a good time, screw over thinking and being jealous. It's hard tho when something like canceled plans or another lie to your face happens.

I'm not totally familiar with your stories (I read a bunch on here and maybe getting some crossed), but do either of you date other people? If so, does your AP know that you do/are "single"? If so, does it help keep your sanity at all?

I think I need to go down that path, but at the same time, it seems that anytime I look at or talk to another guy, I'm just not interested because my emotions lie with AP/BF. *sigh*

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Fri, 01-15-2010 - 5:47pm

hey benska,

Don't beat yourself up too much or call yourself a fool. Sometimes our emotions over take us and we start going into that fog. I also want that passion and love so badly. In my life so far it always seems to be one or the other, never both. Actually, I can't even say that, the one that "loved" me (xH), turned out to be just as much of a liar and cheat in the end. You don't do what he did to someone you truly love. After reading your post, maybe I am "settling". Maybe there is someone out there for me that can give me BOTH. I just have the feeling deep down that it's not this man (my BF/AP).

I know this won't last forever either. I'm going to want more..I already do want more. I just don't know if it hurts worse to continue to want, or just end it and try to move on with my life. Both options have positives and negatives, as I'm sure you've already done your own "weighing" on, too.

Maybe you are right, that this will end for both of us when we decide we want better for ourselves and we will move on. I've been close to that many times, usually when I'm angry. Then I have time to calm down or dwell and get all sad/anxious and can't seem to end it. It hurts so bad...with or without him.

Another poster on here, caribu, likened the situation to always feeling like the puppy dog in the store window..."pick me, pick me" I can't tell you how true that is for me. Maybe I'll get so sick of it and have a whole angry week, will see him, and will just be done. Until then I continue to go back and forth and try to put on the happy face. The happy face has so hurt behind it right now, but I'm trying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2009
Fri, 01-15-2010 - 8:50pm

Hi Torn,


To answer your question: How do you guys handle things like that -- lies, canceled plans, etc?


From what I have read of your situation I think our APs are in a pretty different mindset.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2009
Fri, 01-15-2010 - 9:59pm

Hi Torn,


I just realized I didn't reply to your other question about dating other people.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Sun, 01-17-2010 - 1:02am

Hey alive,

Wow, I think you just described my AP/BF and his W! Although I think that they both know that the marriage is a sham. There is certainly no love, intimacy, or anything close to it between them. When they happen to be in the house together, she stays in her room and he stays in his. What really tears me up inside is that I'm not sure if he still has sex with her. He did tell me when we first got together that he occasionally did, but I have no idea why he told me that. I try not to think about it too much. I don't really believe him anyway...why on earth would she sleep with him when they have such disdain for each other? Plus, she really does have to know he has someone on the side, if not specifically about me...she just has to. I mean the guy has spent day after day with me for almost three years! He leaves at night and then goes home in the morning? It's not natural I tell ya!

My H moved out in Nov 2007 but we weren't legally separated until the summertime as well. Once that was signed I received something called a "Statement of Claim for Divorce" whatever that means. I haven't signed anything so I don't think I'm divorced just yet.

As for the dating other people...my AP/BF would simply not stand for it, even though he knows that he has no right to ask that of me when he's not prepared to make me an "honest woman". God, I hate that phrase! I too feel like you in that if I weren't with AP, I wouldn't be dating either...I just have no interest in being with anybody else.

Take care,

benska

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