I am just not ready to let this go
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I am just not ready to let this go
| Sun, 01-10-2010 - 10:16pm |
Hello,
So AP and I got to spend the weekend together which was really great and we were able to have some talks about what we are doing, where we are going, etc.

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Being in an affair was actually an ideal situation during and after my divorce.
Wow. Am I in the right place or what. I have a situation that is similar to a lot of you ladies out there, but from a guys point of view. My AP moved out of her house into an apartment after being separated from her H for 4 months. We had been seeing each other for almost 1 1/2 years when it all came out. My marriage of 28 years ended because of it, although I think that if I went back and begged I could have kept it together but I had the possibility of my AP being in my life and just wanted out. Anyway, she has been in the apartment now for 7 months. For the first 2 months things were great. We saw each other all the time. We stayed together. We laughed and enjoyed each other; it was like a real relationship. Then in September she told me she had to figure out if she could go back to her marriage, that she felt too guilty to end things with him even though he is manipulative and verbally abusive and has pushed her 3 times during their first separation. She dated him once, had dinner with him a second time and that was that. Whew! Well it happened again in October right before my birthday. Then she did it again in November over Thanksgiving, ending up sleeping with him but she couldnt even stay the night with him because she was grossed out and felt like she was cheating on me. She came back to me again and things were great for a few weeks. Of course, Christmas wasnt great. They spent Christmas Day together but we had Christmas the next night. She told me that she almost cried when she was opening her gifts from me because it was the most gifts she had ever gotten for anything in 20 years of being with him. She just recently told me she cant end things with him and may move back, but then called me and we were together again. Last night she told me she just wants to go home and have her family back, that she cant take the pressure from him about coming home and the pressure from me. She sleeps all day and doesnt do anything (she's depressed but wont get help) and she wants NC so she can see if she can live w/o me. If she can, then she will go back. If I dont give her the NC then she will just go back anyway. She also tells me she knows he doesnt love her, but he is such a jerk that he knows he could never get another woman to be with him. He has manipulated and demeaned her for so long that she is his cook, cleaner, babysitter and sex slave without his needing to do anything. Up to now he hasnt tried to win her back, but her lease is up this month and he knows if she signs another lease she will most likely not be coming home so he is constantly asking her now to come home and let him show her he can be nice to her. This comes after months of being mean and angry to her while they were apart. Oh, she has told him we are NOT together but she would maybe like to pursue that if they divorced. He surely cant be that stupid to think that I am not in the picture, can he? Denail isnt just a river in Egypt maybe? She tells me that she has asked him for a divorce constantly but he doesnt give her anything. She, on the other hand, wont ask him for the money he said he would give her, or custody, or any paperwork. I am now divorced and I think that my settlement scared her. I have little money for the next 3 years as I have 2 kids in college and gave the now ex the house and continue to pay the bills. She told me once that if I had money she wouldnt be waffling. Last night she said its less scary to just go back than to be with me but she doesnt love him. My friend tells me that she wont go back because she knows how crappy her marriage was and would be; she knows its over but because of the guilt and her sense of obligation she cant bring herself to end it. He wont end it because he may get her back and he gets to keep the money that she wont bring herself to ask for if they stay married. He said that the only way it ends is that I end it. He also thinks that if I do she may go back, but wont stay long. I think if I end it she goes back and just stays and takes his crap, that she wont be strong enough to leave again, even though she assured me she would leave if she was miserable. I am just not willing to walk away. I love this woman so much. I left my marriage for her and never looked back. I would wait out this crap if she would just not keep wanting to go back to him. I will probably just wait until she goes back. I think she will use the lease on the apartment being up as an excuse to go back and that will be it. I am desperately sad over all this. I cry all the time. So there you go. Its not just the guys that cant leave; sometimes its you girls too. Turns out that people stay a lot for the familiar and the security, but where is the security in a crappy marriage? How do we as people continue to live with someone who abuses us and manipulates us, and who we dont love? I cant imagine her going back to him, but I cant see her staying with me either. It boggles my mind to think she could just go back. And I dont understand him either. His wife had an A for over 1 1/2 years, then separated from him for over 11 months and he still wants her back? Why? I am so lost and so confused and just so damn sad over this. Help anyone?
Hi Mac,
I'm the original poster of this thread and just wanted to let you know that reading your story made my heart ache.
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