I am just sick over this, please help
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| Sun, 08-31-2003 - 9:38pm |
I haven't been around here long so I will give a quick summary of my situation for those who aren't familiar with it - I'm 24, married since 21 to the man I have been with since I was 15. I love H but he is all I've ever known. I met OM (who is single) a few months ago and after a slow start (I was cautious about getting myself into an EMA but here I am...) things have really started happening for us.
So here is my problem! I have started having real feelings for this guy, and I really think I am falling for him. He is everything I want and we could be so good together. I saw him last night and he basically told me that he wants me more than anything and wants me to leave H to be with him. I told him I don't know if I can do that, and he wants me to decide who I want and what I want to do with 'us'. Otherwise he wants to go back to 'friends' and I don't like that option at all.
I am just at a crossroads and I am sick about this. I can't focus and H knows something is up with the way I've been acting. I can't stop crying...I don't know what to do. Thank you.

1st of all, don't leave your H for anyone but yourself. If you don't love him anymore, and you can't make things work with your H, that's one thing, but because you want to be with another man, you'll regret it. What if you and OM don't make it, you'll always regret leaving your H. I know that when I leave I'm leaving for myself, and if MM comes along and we end up together fine, but I need to do whats best for me and my kids first.
Do you think you've really tried to make your M work?
HOw long have you been with this OM? a few months? that's barely long enough to know if you 2 will have a lasting relationship.
Whatever you decide we'll be here for ya
=)
Whoa! It's time to step back, and take a breather, honey.
You wrote that you've know OM only for a few months - It could be love at first sight (or second sight, or sixth sight, lol), but two people really need to get to know one another before making or asking for a commitment, and a few months in a *secret* relationship is not long at all.
I would suggest some time alone...no OM or H...to have a good think-session - is it possible to get away for a weekend on your own? If not, take a day out to the park to remove yourself and just sit and think about it. I would even suggest a break with NC (no contact) from OM (say a week or for however long you need, but if you decide to, let him know you need this time/space to think!).
Think about what YOU want - where you see yourself in 6 months or a year. Is your marriage not good and you want a divorce? Do you want to stay with H and make it work, try new things to spice up your sex life (if that's a problem)? Now you've been in an EMA and experienced a realtionship of sorts with another man, has that satisfied your curiosity? If you leave your M for OM, and the relationship does not work out, how will you feel?
The sooner you think this through, the better you'll feel. Now, dry your tears, and remember, You are in control of your own life! Not H, and not OM.
Wishing you peace,
Meow
I am adding my two cents with Meow and Lex... and they are right. This has to be about you... not about what OM wants, not about what H wants, not about you as a W or an OW, but about who you are, what you want from life, where you want to be. And those questions are easier asked than answered because sometimes it's hard to separate yourself from the men in your life.
BUT, if both men fell off the planet (come on, it's pretend!) and you were left all alone... who ARE you? What do you want? Think about it in those terms, THEN look at who fits in your picture best. Who do you want to share that person, that life with?
You may need more than one weekend away to get to the answer. But don't let OM pressure you into a response right now. If he does, you risk making the quick decision based on influences from him, not you. And if he can't wait a little while longer for you to sort this out, how mature is he really?
good luck and keep us posted! And welcome...
-lily
Thank you for your words of wisdom! As you can tell I have not been thinking clearly and I think you managed to talk some sense into me. I realize if I leave it should be for me. I still have no idea what to do though, I wish it were easy and I could make a decision right away but unfortunately it won't work that way. I need to sit down and talk to OM about this. I just don't know what to say. And I am so very scared to lose him if I do stay in my M. I have never felt this way about anyone before.
I agree with the advice you have received. I
would add that I am always suspicious of ultimatums,
it seems like such an unloving tactic. My first
response is pretty hardnosed, soulmate or not.
Time is on your side here. If you loose MM for
taking a bit to try and think it through, well...
its better to know now than later, isn't it? Think
of it as a test, maybe of you, but mostly of them.
Good luck to you, and keep us posted.
ditr