I am in love with a married man.....HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
I am in love with a married man.....HELP
3
Wed, 09-24-2003 - 6:24pm
First of all, let me start by saying, we have not touched each other (yet) or kissed or anything like that, and the connection was instant between us...but here's my story....

There is a new guy at my work, he's 29, and he is very attractive. I am 24. He just got transferred here from accross the country. He got married a little while before he came here, because he wanted his family to have insurance. He has two children under two and a wife. He is supposed to find them a house/apartment like LAST WEEK, but hasn't. (I know he misses his babies to death, but I don't think he wants her here)

We started hanging out in the first place because he is new here, and alone, and was very bored and asked if there was anything fun to do around here, and would I show him around and be friends with his wife when she gets here. I agreed and we started hanging out. He has told her he found her a friend, but not that we have spent time together.

Apparently, he doesn't love her and confessed this to me right away. She hits him, and fights over nothing, is addicted to anti-depressants and tricked him into getting her pregnant both times so she could have attention from their families. The reason he doesn't want to leave her is because he loves his children, and is afraid she will use them against him, and he doesn't want to be away from them. He does most of the child care when he's at home with her, because she doesn't want to deal with them.

He is such a decent honest man, and is really the man of my dreams. I hadn't say anything to him about how I feel, but he came over to my house to look at my car, and called me an hour after he left and poured his heart out. He said he's falling for me, and I am his soul mate, and he doesn't know what to do. But that he can't leave her, and wants her to leave him, but then he would move home to stay close to his kids, and would I go with him if he had to do that...and he adores my son, etc....I told him that I will NOT sleep with him, and he will have to make his own choices, but that I felt the same way about him, and that it is going to hurt me so much when she gets here and I may not be able to deal with it.

I feel like she doesn't deserve him, he is a true gentleman, and he said he just gave up looking and settled with her, because he was tired of waiting for the right woman, but now he thinks that I am her. We have spent everyday of the last week or so together, and resisted EVERY earge to touch, or kiss, etc. But we did have phone sex!!!

The other time we have spent together is apartment hunting, and we went to the ocean, and it was incredibly romantic for september. We watched the sun set, and had dinner together. Stuff like that. i have had the MOST romantic week of my life, and I was sith a Married man. It is breaking my heart. It's not even the sex that I want, I just want to know him.

What can I do, what should I do. I have to see him at work, even though he works in a totally different department. And if I break up his marriage and his wife finds out who I am, then she will for sure call our work and curse them out, and get me fired.

I am torn between love and morals. I beleive in Karma, and that whatever you do comes back 3 fold. But I want to spend every minute with him, I want to talk to him. He stimulates me intulectually, and turns me on incredibly to the point where I want to jump on him. We definatly have mutual feelings, and we are being honest with each other, but the longer we don't do anything sexual, the more we are going to want to, right? Anyone have advice? Similar situations? Any help at all? Please!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Wed, 09-24-2003 - 7:06pm

Hi fashion and welcome,


I'm not sure that I can offer you the advice you need on this one... I can say you are strong on holding onto you morals and beliefs... but how long can you last if you continue you see him??


Falling in love is never easy sailing... I don't care what anyone says... but when you fall for a married man... it's a hell of a lot harder to deal with.


As for Karma... I'm not a big believer... I believe that we have a chance to take destiny into our own hands... and make with it what we can.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
Wed, 09-24-2003 - 7:27pm
I think I am stronger than he is. He says if I want to have sex, just say the word....but he might chicken out because he has never cheated on anyone.


The thing is, I do want to have sex. I have never spent so much wonderful time with a man, who was just as much into me as I am into him, and NOT been able to have sex. Damn I'm good to go on a first date, ussually.

I am only 24, and i know I have the rest of my life (ok maybe rest of my 20's) to settle down. My son is almost 6, and has never met his father. His fathers a jerk, and I haven't talked to him since I told him I was preg. But his other daughter goes to the same kindergarten/nursery as my DS. That's hard for me to deal w/ already.

But I am not into my MM because I want a daddy for my ds or anything...I don't involve my ds in my relationships. If I was only looking for a daddy for him, I would have found one of those by now. But my ds has met my MM and adores him, like a buddy....

I am just ready to find the right man and settle down...but my soulmate is freakin married, and it's so hard. He's already called me 2 times since we got out of work. He hasn't asked to come over today though, and I hope he doesn't because I don't know if I can hold off much longer.

I'll keep everyone posted...if anyone is interested....It's just that I have never been faced with anything like this. If he was older, or married longer, or didn't have two babies, I would go right for him...but he's not. He just keeps saying how bad the timing is, but he knows meeting me was right, he can feel it.....I am pretty sure everything he's said is the truth, and he is NOT just thinking with his stanley...but I am confused.

He seems like a gentleman, but knowing my luck, he's probably a player just trying to get laid. UGH!!! I hate men sometimes. I just hope he is being totally honest.

I am a very pretty girl, not to toot my own horn or anything, but most guys just want to sleep with me a few times and they are gone. I am just an object to them, but with my MM I feel like a person, like I deserve to be loved, and treated with respect. GAWD!!!! Why are the good ones always taken???

Ok I'm done babbling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Wed, 09-24-2003 - 8:53pm
hi sweetie you not alone l ahve been in love with my mm for 25 yeras yep that long since 16 now 40 .l didn't now in love with until l was 23 he was with me on christmas holidays he came into my kitchen and gave mw special chistmas present very special kiss on chistmas night on dec 25 1987.me and my mm had more very emtioanl affair he really been here for me when came home from hopistal when cancer he came over to my house to see how l was doing.that show me how much cares and loves me.how long have you know your mm sweetie hugs kimmy and sweetie once get heart into this man never never gets easy believe doesn't hasn't for me. he is in my heart and soul forever.
kimmy