I am a MAJOR Eff up...not emotionally cut out for this.
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|Tue, 09-18-2012 - 3:14pm|
I royally effed up this past Sunday and I said and did things that I never in a million years wished to do so or most importantly never wanted to say. Alcohol was a huge factor in what happened but it is still no excuse as to how I behaved, reacted and what I said.
I gave myself away. I went into a drunken rage and I described the OM that I had an affair with . Said some very mean and hurtful things to my BF of 7 years. I have no idea what I said and I don't want to know what I said. From what BF has told me I described the OM but he won't tell me exactly what I said about him. That I admitted to having sex with him and I enjoyed it. Rubbed it in his face about how the OM compared to my BF is waaaayyy bigger than him in that department. I CAN NOT BELEIVE I said those things to him. I have absolutely no idea exactly what I said.
I don't know if I should contact the OM and ask that he NEVER again contact me. I saw him back in July and he deleted my contact from his phone in front of me. But my number was still on his phone because of us texting. I sent him a text that same day he deleted my contact asking that he delete my number and text messages from his phone. Didn't get a reply or anything so I thought that that was the end of us. The OM out of nowhere texted me about 3 weeks ago and I basically went running to him.
I don't know what my deal is!?! I know I love my BF. He is a GREAT person and he does not need to be put through this or treated this way. He told me this morning that he hopes that whomever I had sex with is not someone that he knows or that he lives in our city. UGH...not only does he live in our city but he lives less than 6 minutes away from us. I am denying what I said and all I can tell my BF is I have no idea as to why I would have said those things to him.
I effed up. I feel like crap. All I feel like doing right now is going to sleep and never waking up...