I am New - Please read my story & Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2004
I am New - Please read my story & Help!
13
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 7:23pm
I really hope someone can help me. I am in my 30's, married 11 yrs., 2 kids, I have a pretty good husband, I am for the most part happy with him. I have been having affairs since practically day one of our marriage off and on. I am addicted to the passion big time. I have never wanted to leave my husband for any of these guys and most of the time pick ones that aren't even that goodlooking cause then I may fall for them. My latest (4 months) has been a complete nightmare, not fun at all like my other ones. He has been a real challenge.... once he knew he got me. He picked me out, pestered me until I gave in. He is 12 yrs. older than me, we work in the same department. He is very controlling and tells me all the time that I can't control this relationship and that I am a spoiled brat and drama queen and to "relax" when I get upset about how hard it is for him to get out. I am sorta trying to end it with him but something in me won't let it go, but then again he won't let me let it go when I have tried numerous times to tell him I am done with the b.s. Sometimes we go for quite a few weeks without getting together cause things just don't work out and he can't get out as easy as me. I wanted to get your opinion of what you think this guy is like cause he sometimes can be so mean in the way he calls me spoiled and controlling which I am but in my opinion so is he. He cuts me off on the phone alot cause he is busy, doesn't call back but then gets worried when I "give up" and then he starts trying again.

He got caught cheating about 14 yrs. ago and has not had an A since then (I really do believe him) he is being REALLY careful - to the point of too careful so its not fun at all. If he got caught she would divorce him probably. I don't want my MM as anything more than some "fun" so I don't want him to get caught either, that would be terrible for him. I think I have sorta fallen for him cause I am always crying over him, constantly thinking about him. The thing is, I wouldn't "want" him if both our marriages ever crumbled cause he is so controlling and we would clash big time cause I am not used to someone being that way. My husband has no ambition and I am used to being in control so of course, me being that way, I am trying to control this affair and he won't let me and plays these stupid games to as he says "teach me lessons that I can't control this relationship".

Sometimes my married man says really nice things to me and then I am confused again. What do you think about this comment he said once when he was teasing me about being spoiled and controlling, he said "a couple of years with me and I will straighten you out" do you think he meant that he wants this affair to last that long? also, he always wants me to tell him that he is the best lover I have had and always asks me if he is better than the others. He always wants me to compare other men with him. It is obvious he is competing. There is something about him that drives me crazy and it can't be his looks and his personality kinda sucks so what is going on, why can't I just be casual with him and not be so possessive.

A few weeks ago I went into his office, closed the door and asked him to be totally honest with me cause he was ignoring me and not calling for awile, if he wanted to carry on this A and I was really nice about it and casual like I didn't really care if he said it was over but all he kept saying was "I am fine with this" and I told him and I was not going to throw myself at him anymore and he said "you don't have to do that anyways" and I said again.... "just please be honest, just tell me if you can't handle it" and all he kept saying was "I am fine with this" and then he went on about what his problem was lately and it was about one of his kids and he doesn't want me involved with it and he has been miserable at home cause of it lately and that it is not fair to me to be brought into his problems and that he doesn't need my advice.

Sometimes when I see him at work he has a real "love" look on his face but then turns right around the next day and either ignores me or cuts me off on the phone, what is up with him?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 11:06pm
ok.....here goes......just dump him! I personally could not handle all that game playing.

Mama

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 11:29pm
Yea spoiled,

This guy has big time mind games going on with you. I think he sees you as some kind of "conquest" not sexually, but psycholgically. His goal is to twist your mind up so he can have something to "be proud of". Men in it for the conquest dump the woman when they get what they want. Don't give him what he wants by playing these games. I know it is easier said than done, but if you can walk away from this, then do it!

You may also want to get to the root of why you have so many A's if you are happily married.

Pen

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 11:53pm
Umm - I know I am just a guy - but I must say you are involved with a complete moron. We ALL play games - especially in our A's - Women AND men. But this guy is taking it to a whole new control freak level. (The whole "better than your past lovers" thing is especially frightening) You need to lose him. I understand you're attracted to him - and hey - haven't we ALL been attracted to someone we know damn well we shouldn't be? But you need to take a step back and LOOK at him. Not just physically - but really look at him, and look at what you're telling yourself BECAUSE of him. You're already doing the doubting - otherwise you wouldn't have posted here. So, sit back and listen to yourself, and what you're feeling and make the right choice. (This is, btw, my first post) - But I thought a Man's POV would be helpful. So, thanks for listening, I guess. and hopefully I don't sound like a complate ass. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2004
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 10:50pm
Thanks everyone, and bigdumbguy23 you are awesome! All of you are right, he is a major control freak and moron but I still can't end it just yet. I can't help it. He has called a few times this week and has still let on he is interested. He is trying to get me to fly down to meet him when he goes on a business trip and stay with him but that would be impossible so he is ticked off that I won't AND I can tell he is very jelous that I am going skiing with a girlfriend in a few weeks. I have been playing the games right back at him and he is quite irritated, I am loving it. Not sure what I am going to do but I know that as soon as the opportunity comes up again to meet him I will do it. I have to get him out of my system. He will annoy me and then I will be done with him, I just need some more time with him. I haven't seen him alone in 8 weeks so I am missing him but I know what will happen... just like the phone calls, I will get irritated with him and then I won't be so "weepy" over him. How strange is that.... absence makes the heart grow fonder but when I see him I can barely stand him.... Thank god he is a jerk cause then I would really be in love with him. I told him that too, he was not impressed. I will try to get rid of him!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 12:51pm

hey guy23, welcome to the board and congrats

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 1:28pm
Honey... I would run, not walk, to the nearest exit. Saturday Sister has left the building. It's supposed to be fun, right? It just doesn't sound like much fun.
Avatar for nomoreregrets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 1:29pm
I love it when a man is not afraid to speak up, Touché BIG! Spoiled, I say dump this guy! Life is tooooooo short to be miserable and it sounds like he enjoys playing with your emotions! Hey and there is absolutely nothing wrong with being spoiled!If it means rolling on the floor kicking and screaming then do it:) What ever works! I spoil myself all the time, so does my H and my MM. Good luck! NMR
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2004
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 8:24pm
Hi all. Spoiled here.. and also a drama queen I may add. Is it wrong for me to play games right back at him? I guess as revenge for the way he treats me. I am also not phoning him much anymore but see him at work in passing and sometimes I don't even look at him, he has to try to get my attention. Last week he called me on my cell after work, probably to see if I was still into him but talking about normal things. And then this week I don't know why but I went to visit him at his office (1 floor above my floor) and snuck a note with 2 chocolates hearts telling him to cheer up (cause of the problems he is having with his son) He is depressed for sure, not happy at all and being a hermit at home, not even trying to get out for some fun with me but still wanting me to wait for him. God I am so f'ing stupid, why can't I just tell him it is totally over?????? Instead I am waiting for him to call me to meet him. Another real BAD thing is.... another MM is trying to start something with me and he is NICE!!!! should I start something with him to get my mind off the jerk or is that totally slutty? please be honest. If I started something with this other MM I would not run to the jerk for sure cause I WILL NOT BE DOING THE DEED WITH 3 MEN, 2 IS QUITE ENOUGH.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2004
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 9:28pm
Hey spoiled-

You and I are so much alike. I have been married for almost 12 years to a good decent man. No passion though and it hit me about 5 years ago. SInce then I've had a few A's my most recent one being a nightmare!!!!

My advice to you is if there is someone showing you attention that you might want to get to know, go for it. You owe the other MM nothing, he isnt making you happy, or having fun are you? Then move on.

Its a terrible thing what I'm saying and I'm sure that a lot of people would think I'm crazy but that is my honest opinion. I guess because I am in your same boat I can relate. Do what your heart is telling you to do. Make yourself happy...

k

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 9:32pm
Why waste your time and energy to get revenge ?? Is he really worth your time ? By what you told us about him I don't think so . He is a total control freak !

Is that what you want in your life ?? I think ignoring him is revenge enough .

Besides you are not in high school , why play these childish games . Focus your time and energy on positive and good things .........like yes maybe that nice MM ;-)

Good luck !

xoxo ViperDiva

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