I am not a good OW, are you?

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
I am not a good OW, are you?
Thu, 08-16-2012 - 4:14pm

* I think too much about AP and W

* I get upset when I think about how they have sex together

* I get upset when they go out on a date together for the whole day while I watch their kids

* I feel sad very often because I want to spend more time with him and it's not possible

* I am not even able to hide my sadness from him , because he knows me too well...

* I feel sad about being someone's dirty little secret.

* I get anxious when I don't hear from him much and that's when my thoughts get out of hand even more



This is not what a good OW does. Good OW's don't get jealous and upset. I have no right to get upset. It's his wife and yes , it's true what was said: it's good that they go out on dates and it's only normal that they spend so much time together. SHE is his beloved WIFE, and HE is her beloved HUSBAND.

And I am the OW. OW's aren't supposed to feel like this . Or they should at least be able to hide it and get over it.

I think I'll tell him that he's right... she is his wife... it's only normal. I have no right to be jealous. But I am. That's why it's best that it ends.


I so wish that I wouldn't have to deal with the pain that will follow :smileysad:

I wish I wouldn't have to see him anymore after I tell him what I'm planning to tell him. Because he'll punish me with coldness, silent treatment (as far as possible), that kind of stuff.



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2012
Thu, 08-16-2012 - 4:34pm
I could have written this. I knew thr rules going in and I hate them. My ap really has done nothing wrong, its me who has tried to change the game. He's got me right where it works for him and I allow it to happen. I also watch the kids for ap & w, I have to listen while his w tells me about the fun times they have together. If I said to him don't call me again, I can't do this anymore. He wouldn't call. And that scares me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Thu, 08-16-2012 - 4:38pm

I think its all on you accepting the situation that makes you a good OW or not. Being the OW is not for everyone or the faint of heart. You have to know how to play your position & where to draw the line. If feelings should become involved and you don't check them than you will feel out of control, much like the way you are feeling now.

Being the OW is not for you "itstime" and you know this. Sending you many hugs my friend. I can sense your pain and I know you are going through it but only you have the power to stop.



Much peace & Love,



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Thu, 08-16-2012 - 11:20pm

I  agree with rayne (as usual)!  You are NOT a good OW.  And...is that really a bad thing?  LOL...Not to disparage any of us, but let's face it, did we aspire to being a good woman on the side someday when we grew up?  Probably not!  

I think you can end it, itstime, but I think it will take dramatic action. I don't think you can just remain friends.  I think you need to ruin your R with him beyond repair.  That's the only thing that worked for us.  When I told my friend L about my A, I knew at some point she'd let him know that she knew.  I kept pushing her, telling her more even when I could tell it was bothering her.  And when she finally confronted him, that broke the trust we had.  Yes, we are friends now but the trust is gone, and that's why he is adamant about not resuming the A.  You have to find a way to break the R.  It's a scary thing to do because you can't undo it, but if you can't find the willpower to end it (as I couldn't), then  sometimes you have to find another way.  What you can't do is just keep trying the same thing over and over.  If it didn't work before, it won't work now.  Ending it is going to be painful however it happens.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2012
Fri, 08-17-2012 - 10:41am
Itstime, goin by almost everyones' stories, we have all not been good OWs. After going through everything, affairs are only for masochists. Hurts so bad to know you're an option never a priority. I agree with JJ, sometimes tough situations call for tough actions. All I can offer is a *BIG HUGE HUG*
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2012
Fri, 08-17-2012 - 3:46pm

I would say I think I am.  I know I have deeper feelings for him than what we intended but I haven't told him yet.  I'm not jealous of him and the wife, in fact I really like his W.  I don't expect him to leave his W and family for me and vice versa.  The only time I get really get jealous is when BFFs are over all the time.  Like for the past 3 weekends they have stayed from Friday at 6pm until Sunday at 9:30pm.  When they do that AP will barely talk to me.  Once in a while I'll have a freak out moment because I don' t think I'm getting enough attention but I check myself for the most part.

We have to remember we might be the OW but for those of us who are married ourselves our AP's are the OM.  We as women tend to be more sensitive towards the OM's feelings and needs but that's just how most of us are programmed.  As the OW we knew from the start that the possibility of the AP leaving his W for us is 1 in thousands if not millions!!

Itstime--like I said you have control now.  Don't let him take that away from you. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Fri, 08-17-2012 - 7:42pm
Itstime2010 ((((hugs)))) I hope you find peace in your decision. Remember there are no rights and wrongs this is your journey,