I am so confused...(new here)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2008
I am so confused...(new here)
2
Tue, 12-02-2008 - 1:33am

I'm going to attempt to make this a short post...

I am a mom of a son from a previous relationship, engaged to someone who has 2 children of his own, and we have children together, the youngest is less than one year.

There have been continual problems in our relationship but we have tried to work things out. However it tends to be short lived effort on his part then I give up too, and things just get swept under the rug kind of deal. So a bunch of stuff happened since youngest DS was born that left me telling DF this was our last chance, that he really needed to work at this because I was giving up. The "stuff" I refer to involves a lot of online activity on DF's part, that is a repeated behavior. I also have suspected he is having an emotional affair but he denies it (although admits said woman might have had less than pure intentions in their "business" relationship).

The big issue is, we have all these kids that have already been through so much because of their other parents, and my heart hurts just thinking about putting them through another relationship failure. So that is mainly why I've stayed - not because of the children but that I think we owe it to them to try everything we can to work things out. If it wasn't for the kids I would have been gone a long time ago.

I have always been faithful. I have never even thought of straying outside our relationship.

But a few months ago I started talking to an old ex BF. We have a lot of history, including him stepping up to the plate when I was a young single mom when oldest DS was born and offering to raise him with me. It was quite platonic to start with but is not anymore.
I have lied to DF in order to go see ex BF once but beyond that have not seen him. We were constantly talking on the phone, texting etc and it was all content that definetly was not platonic. When I asked ex BF what he wanted from me, his response was "you...I've always wanted you...if all I can have you as is a friend then I'll take that for now...but what I want is you - all of you". No doubt in my mind that if I had said ok, I would have already been (physically) cheating on DF a long time ago.

I went the past 5 weeks without talking to ex BF. I told him I needed time and space to make sure that if I was deciding to leave DF that I was doing it for the right reasons and he was really understanding about it.

However today I am going insane thinking about him, left the house tonight to "shop" in hopes I could talk to him. Of course he was busy and sends me message telling me he will call tomorrow. But seriously going insane. Can not get him out of my mind.

I just don't know what to do. I am not ready to leave DF. Financially, I am not ready to go be a single mom out on the street, to give up the extraordinarily good life I have now as a SAHM. If we were to split, there wouldn't be much for either of us because the houses are worth less than the mortgages, and I couldn't afford the mortgage on my own (although DF has said recently that if we were to split he would make sure I could stay in the house, for the kids....but how long would that last???).
Emotionally, I do love DF. We have our good times. I am not ready to leave him.

But he doesn't make me happy anymore, and ex BF does. Or at least communications with ex BF does, I obviously can't say that being with him makes me happy because I don't know that.
I realize I have been on a slippery slope downhill for the past few months in talking to ex BF. And it is getting worse because now, having not talked to him, I don't think talk is enough. I want to see him, touch him etc. So I suspect I am on my way to an affair. And I have never done this before.

I'm not sure what advice I am looking for but any thoughts are appreciated, because I have never been in this spot before and any insight I can get BEFORE this gets any more complicated would be great...

TIA.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2008
Tue, 12-02-2008 - 1:53am

Dear Confused.... welcome to the board.

Carrrrrried...away2
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2008
Tue, 12-02-2008 - 2:37am

FIRST and FOREMOST make sure that there are NO more babies. Get your tubes tied, go on the pill, get an IUD, the patch, implants, or monthly injections, but you better do something to make sure that you don't bring another baby into such chaos.

W/ that out of the way I can tell you that Carriedaway hit the nail on the head. An A will serve to do nothing but complicate your life. You think things are hard now, huh, wait until you hit one of the very, very, low lows that come w/ the rollercoaster of being in an A. You're going to have kids hanging off your teats, grabbing your legs, and crying while you trying to handle this incredibly complex, and difficult new relationship, and all the f*cked up emotions that come w. it.

Yes, there is excitement, and great sex (generally.) It feels good to feel appreciated, and desired, but it's all fleeting. It's a facade, it's not real. What's real is that you have a football team worth of kids that need as much positive energy that you can muster. They need you to be there for them, but if you start this A, you may be there in body, but you won't be there in mind. You'll be somewhere off in La La land w/ AP.

We are all grown ups here, and it's time to act like it. I don't mean just you, me too, and I am sure there are others too. OUR children are our future, they need love, stability, consistency. These things DO NOT mix w/ an A. You said you still love your SO, well then put your effort into trying to heal whatever it is that is wrong w/ your relationship. Go to counseling, go on a marriage or relationship retreat, and find that spark that was there in the beginning. Yes it's work, but so is an A, and the pay off in the end would be a hundred fold of that with which you would get in an A.

I generally don't advocate staying just for the kids, but it seems like this may be fixable, and yes you are right, you owe those children every possible chance at a stable life.