I am so mad at him!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
I am so mad at him!!!
8
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 7:20am
Ok heres what's been going on, he flew to get his W and K's last weekend, fine with me, I considered him more of a friend than anything else, it was never my intention to sleep with him, it just happened...it was very mutual, and now it's over, I don't care about that.

He called me the other day to tell me, when I meet his W to not say that I hung out with him at all, she keeps asking about me, am I pretty, am I thinner than her, did he go out with me, did we watch movies together, just how much time did we spend together....etc, and he's lying of course, because now HE feels guilty...and doesn't WANT her to leave because she'll take most of his paycheck for child support....all of this I don't care. Except before... he told me, that he would tell her we've become friends, now he hasn't-lying little jerk.

Then he said while she was unpacking their stuff, she found condoms in the apartment, and he told her he probably bought them years before, and asked me if I put them there....I REALLY DIDN'T!!!! First off he's snipped and we are both clean, so we never needed rubber, but i was extremely offended when he asked me that.

Then I had added his screen name to my buddy list, and he called me yesterday to tell me he was getting internet, and I told him I added him, and he would need to make sure she wasn't around when the permission box came up....well, I'm sitting there last night, and get a "Thanks but no thanks" deny/block message from them....

Now I am only pissed because I am supposed to meet his W and be her friend, and what happened between me and him just happened....I'm not dwelling on it, I'm not asking for more, I'm not going to blow it for him. She has the upper hand, because she could have me fired anyway...so why would I risk it??

Is this his guilt?? I'm not stalking him, or calling him all the time. He told me last friday he would bring his family over so we could all meet this weekend, and he didn't, didn't call...nothing.

Should I talk to him, leave him alone? What do I do...OH...last night I called his cell, which gets ZERO signal in his town, so he doesn't get messages until he is like one town over, on his way to work, and I told him I was pissed because he denied me to be on his buddy list, and his wife will not have me as a friend if she keeps on being this queer about everything, and good luck festering in the bubble he let her make around him, I thought we were friends...and don't call me anymore, and stuff like that.

So I ruined his day, because he loves to see me walk by at work. And I'll walk by and not acknowledge him I guess...

God I'm so confused.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 7:29am
Why to you feel the need to be his friend and become a friend of his wife? Do you intend for this A to continue? What is the big picture that you have in your mind for this relationship? Questions to ponder within yourself or feel free to lay your thoughts out on the board for feedback *hugs*

cl-liberalgirl

callmeliberal@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 8:02am
Sounds like the blood has returned to his brain, and he's scared. Give him a little time and space and see what he does next. I'm confused why he wants you to be friends with his wife though.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 8:20am
Basically he wanted me to, and I wanted to because I don't have very many friends, and he and I became good friends. It's not about the sex, it's more that he and I connected, and understood each other.

I used to have so many friends, I couldn't count count them all, and they've all become involved in relationships, and disapeared. I know it's nothing I've done, they are all just too busy for friendship...

It's not that I want the A to continue, it's not that important to me to be sneaky and get laid all the time. I'm getting back together with my ex anyways, it's just that I'm a little afraid that now that she knows about me, and he's like hiding me or whatever, that she is going to become very suspicious...I'm a woman, and I know how woman think...men are just so dumb.

I don't really know, I don't understand, I am confused, and I guess hurt...of course he said a bunch of stuff, that he felt no guilt, that we would be fine as friends when the A was over and she was here, and of course, being a man...didn't stick to it...But I also don't want his M to fail, it's not about that at all...I even told him this will be good for them to be away from everything and have time for each other, and meet new people, and things like that...but if he's lying about me, she is going to think the worst...if he just told her..."Look, me and her have become friends, it's strictly platonic, we do talk on the phine, and we did hang out... she wants to meet you and get to know you" or something along that line, I don't know...I just don't know.

I think lying is going to make is worse for him, not for me, I won't spill my guts. The only thing he has to leave out is the kissing, and the sex part...all the other times we were together, it was just friendship.

Also when he calls me, he calls my work on his way home, and I can't talk about too much because he works here too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 8:34am
Your post doesn't make much sense to me -- if you truly want to be his friend now, you should back off and let him situate his wife and kids. JMHO

Charlotte

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 8:40am
Honestly, I don't think you need this kind of friend. It wouldn't be a real friendship anyway -- you were sleeping with her husband, after all. What kind of foundation does that friendship have?! Plus she's already exhibited signs of jealousy toward you, so it's doubtful she'd warmly welcome you into her home. I've met MM's wife, but I was always with my H and the whole time I was incredibly self-conscious of everything I said and did. I felt like she could just somehow sense something. She didn't let on if she did, but heck, she knows people at work gossip about me and her husband and I don't look too different from how she looked back when they first met. But her husband is a horn-dog and she knows it and I guess she just doesn't care about it. MM and I used to entertain the idea of getting together on weekends and bringing our spouses along but I knew it would be a bad idea. The more exposure I have to her, the more suspicious she'll get. Trust me, you just don't need that complication in your life. If you want friends, get a part-time job or join a group of some sort where you can meet people. Take up a hobby... If you have kids, try to meet people through your kids. It'll be healthy in more ways than one, especially if you're trying to get out of this A. Just a word to the wise for everyone here... I've known women who claim you can tell when two people are sleeping together by their body language. Supposedly once you've been intimate with someone you tend to violate their personal space more and you just are different around each other. I once knew someone who was never wrong about this...she always knew when people were having affairs. You never know when you're around one of those people.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 8:42am
hey grrl -- MM is SCARED you will go back on your word and might tell his W what happened between the two of you. MM has already broken his word to you over all that other stuff he told you, so he fears you will do the same.

since you don't want the A to continue and are getting back with your ex, be professional and civil to him at work. BUT PLEASE, DO NOT TRY TO MAKE HIS W YOUR FRIEND. she will always suspect something happened between MM and you, no matter what he says or you say. MM was there with you while the W was somewhere else for a long period of time and her imagination has been going wild. she's already questioned him about you AND she found those condoms. either MM was also fooling around with other women, or the W planted them to try to get him to confess to whatever she suspects happened while she was absent.

it gets a little sticky when you work with someone (anyone, not just your partner in an A) and the trust between you breaks down. you need to concentrate on getting your own professional and personal life on track and let MM and his W work out their own issues.

just my opinion,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 10:15am
IMHO the "friendship" with is wife is a potentially explosive situation. I would have some serious guilt issues sleeping with a "friend's" husband. The fact the three of you work together and could have this triangle going is a receipe for disaster. Step carefully, my friend.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 11:37am
Only he and I work together, in completely different departments...we only catch glimpses of each other. His boss and us hung out a couple of times, and knows we are friends, but asked us not to be friendly at work, so as to not raise suspicion (sp?), even though he doesn't know about the A.

But, ok, I will take everyones advice, as you guys have all been experienced in this, and I will back away. I just thought, since she knows about me, that if I was to disapear and never meet her she would be more curious, but to hell with it.

I don't need the confusion. I know he will call me today when he is on his way home, and I will try to just, in the nicest way, tell him that they need time, and I am too emotionally involved, and if she asks why she hasn't met me yet to tell her that I am back together w/ my x and he's controlling...or something to that effect.

I'll miss talking to him and laughing with him the most...I will miss the sex but knew it was not going to continue anyways...and tried to cut him off before he went to get her, but the night before the flight home, he came to me..."one last time" argh....I hate this. I should have listened to you guys 2 months ago when I was warned to stay away...I am so stupid. I wish I was a cat.

I will back off. I will live. I will stop thinking about him. Thank you everyone. I'll keep you posted.