I am totally confused..HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
I am totally confused..HELP
14
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 7:49am
Ok so I can;t believe this but I am totally considering ending my EMA. I don't know what has come over me. It certainly isn't b/c my H has stepped up tp the plate. I am just getting tired. MM was great on Friday and we talked all day. We had our usual NC for the weekend. He called twice yesterday so you would think I'd me feeling fine but I am not. I am just getting exhausted. I am tired of feeling like I always want to check my email to see if he's written. I am tired of waiting for my cell phone to ring (which does happen everyday). I am tired of wishing the weekends away so we can talk again. We actually got got into an arguement last night b/c of me. I am sure today he is annoyed. I just don't want to work at this so much. It should be easier. Of course I am scared to death to even tell him I need a little time, never mind I want to end it. I don't know what to do. I don't want to do or say anything I may regret! This is the first time in a year and a half that I have even thought like this. What should I do?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 8:57am
I feel like this too, especially with the email thing. I just hate the waiting part of it, so I tend to withdraw a bit. Maybe you should try focusing on YOUR stuff right now: do stuff that makes YOU happy, and forget about waiting around for anyone. I'm not saying you should call it off; just take some time to focus on yourself and your needs for a bit. (((hugs))) KC
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 11:02am
Thanks KC! I am actually going to do just taht. He emailed me this AM and I didn't email him back. I am not trying to be a b**** I just don't want to email him back and then wait for his reply..blah, blah, blah. I am going to try and take some time for myself and just not tell him. I don't want to make any rash decisions and I don't really feel like getting into a discussion right now.

Thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 11:12am
((((Briatan)))) Like kc, I can totally relate to what you are saying. I also agree that maybe you should take some time to focus on you. Maybe pull away a little bit, and if you don't want to tell him the real reason, just tell him you are busy - which is true, you will be busy focusing on you! I would be curious to see how he reacts to this, it is possible that if you pull away, he will realize how much he really cares about you.

I know that it is hard to have NC, but I guess in A's, it's necessary some times.

I wish you all the best, and keep us posted! :)

((hugs))

Circe

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 11:15am
Wow--there must be something in the water, because I have been feeling exactly the same way! I don't know if you've read any of my recent posts, but last Tuesday MM and I had a fabulous day together. However, soon after it was over I was overcome with this debilitating depression. Some of the other posters here attributed it to coming back to reality after such a wonderful day, and while I initially agreed with this assessment, I now think it may have been that subconsciously I didn't feel that it was as wonderful as it should have been. I have been slowly losing interest for a few weeks now and have been trying to determine why for just as long. I think that reading your post has helped me figure out some of this stuff. I am also tired...tired of being a slave to my computer, tired of *having* to look at every single car that drives by my house in case it's him, tired of not doing things that need to be done b/c I can steal a few hours away with him, tired of the war that goes on between the 1% of my brain that wants to have a real life with him and the 99% that *knows* this will never be, tired of this ridiculous self-inflicted competition I feel with his W, tired of racking my brain for the how's and when's to meet, tired of playing the game. Hell, I'm even tired of having to shave when I know I'll be seeing him;)

But then I wonder...it seems odd to me that all of this fatigue comes right on the heels of him confessing his increasing need to be with me. Am I just bored, now that I don't feel I have to chase as hard? Is it just that the challenge is gone? I have given this a lot of thought, and though it may play a small role, I honestly believe that the true reason for this disinterest is emotional fatigue. I find it interesting too that you and I have been in an A for approximately the same length of time--it will be 2 years for me in July. Inasmuch as any aspect of an A can be predictable, I wonder if this is simply a normal drop of the rollercoaster, analogous to the 7-year itch or something.

Well, I don't think I've helped much, and I can certainly offer no advice since I'm in the same boat, but hopefully knowing that you're not alone on this one will help. And by all means, if you have any other grand epiphanies, ley me know--it's very likely they'll apply to me as well.

--Notso

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 12:08pm
Thanks again! It is great to have all of your posts to read. I actually re-read them rather than email MM. I am goign to try to put some distance btn. us and see how I feel. Of course if he did this I would be a crazy person but I have to do what I have to do. I don't know how long I will feel like this. I amy be flying high again tomorrow. Please everyone keep us posted on your status. I hope we all feel better soon!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 1:34pm
Briatan, I think we all must be PMSing at once. I still have that jumpy nervous feeling from yesterday. Didn't sleep well at all last night. Got an email and OLM from MM yesterday, so there is no real reason for these feelings.

I have been thinking the same thoughts as you, and for me, I can't live this way. MM is such a wonderful man, and a real joy in my life, but I swear, I can't live like this if it means the only time I feel "normal" is when I'm with him. It's been two days that I have been an edgy wreck, this is not good for me/us.

Do any of you have a clue why we are feeling like this? Do you think it's some type of chain reaction from visiting the board??? lol

Anyway, hang in their Briatan, and I agree with the others, focus on yourself, keep yourself busy doing thing you enjoy doing.

Hope these feels you are having pass.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 2:33pm
Ive got to agree, It must be a chain reaction, because I definatley feel the same way as you guys do, im just totally confused and stressed period, Its like I live my OM and he's a great person and treat me well and we talk all the time, but Im getting tired, of everything, the creeping, the sneakiness,my H and all. Im gonna drive myself crazy,because like one of you said before, I found myself putting off other things just to be alone to see or talk to him, Im just doing laundry 11pm last night when that is a sunday ritual for me, Im like totally behind. I think it's definatley in the waters :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 8:02pm
Briatan,

I think that maybe a partial reason for this type of reaction is that A's are so intense. There's nothing else in our lives that is *that* intense for *that* long. On one hand, it's fun and exciting but I would imagine that our bodies also perceive it as stress. I think that there are times, under any intense situation, that our bodies and minds just need to take a break. You're obviously going through that right now and I guess the best way to deal with it is just to go with it. Give yourself some "you" time and do something fun and/or relaxing that doesn't have anything to do with the A. Take a mini mental vacation and then make your decision when you're feeling good about yourself and life in general.

Hugs to you!

Jess

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 8:32pm
you need to tell him you need time ...

it may be that you are afraid that if you ask him for the time he may never come

back - but truth is you may ask for the time - he may give it to you and then in

a few days or maybe a week or two you will have the answers you need to the questions you

have -----

it's hard ---

I have told/asked my MM to please let me have some time because I am uncertain of where

or what I want to happen next - I am in an awkward power position for once and it's

overwhelming - to think all I have to do is pick up a phone and dial his number

and say something when he answers -

The space has had it's up's and downs - my MM is somone I came to with all my problems - all my accomplishments and all my idea's and silly thoughts and feelings - without him there though I have found I can go to other people and realize I am not as alone as I had

felt in my life -

It's been an awakening of another kind - meeting MM was an awakening but this is another

of it's kind - I am on the down side of the 'needing space' and it's with all my will I

keep my hands off the phone

you may find it's not what you need after all - or you may find great relief (which I have at certain times)

Depending upon what your reasons are for needing space - you may just feel overhwelmed by it all and feel like you can't breath - but these reasons may help you define what you

really want and need from this R with MM -

you may decide it's been a good thing or you may decide the best thing for you is to move on with your life without MM -

either way we are here to support you

Kikki

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 9:45pm
I agree with the fatigue and chase theory and all the other introspective thoughts shared on this thread. Much interesting to read this than the typical "MM has to be my soul mate" and "Don't know why I am sad" stuff :-) I agree in an affair it does seem that everything else seems to take a lower priority including work, house chores, time spent with kids, sports, extracurricular activities, etc. For a conscientious person happiness gained with the affair may not compensate for the self-loathing generated for not perfectly doing all the tasks mentioned above and all the stress due to sneakiness/waiting for MM’s replies could seriously de-wire a human brain.

I just wanted to add my two cents that if any of you are thinking of taking a permanent break, the height of the coaster is the perfect time to do it. The reason being ( don't want to sound cruel here but suggesting what’s good for the ladies) you can walk away knowing that you had him and that he wanted you but it was you that decided to end it. It’s a much more comfortable feeling that way.

IMHO

PG

Pages