I am totally confused..HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
I am totally confused..HELP
14
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 7:49am
Ok so I can;t believe this but I am totally considering ending my EMA. I don't know what has come over me. It certainly isn't b/c my H has stepped up tp the plate. I am just getting tired. MM was great on Friday and we talked all day. We had our usual NC for the weekend. He called twice yesterday so you would think I'd me feeling fine but I am not. I am just getting exhausted. I am tired of feeling like I always want to check my email to see if he's written. I am tired of waiting for my cell phone to ring (which does happen everyday). I am tired of wishing the weekends away so we can talk again. We actually got got into an arguement last night b/c of me. I am sure today he is annoyed. I just don't want to work at this so much. It should be easier. Of course I am scared to death to even tell him I need a little time, never mind I want to end it. I don't know what to do. I don't want to do or say anything I may regret! This is the first time in a year and a half that I have even thought like this. What should I do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 11:21pm
Very interesting indeed, PG, that you would use the phrase, "not *perfectly* doing all the tasks", because I strongly believe that my perfectionism is what has gotten me where I am. The extent to which I am an overachiever is, simply stated, ridiculous. Despite the fact that everyone else around me has attempted to point this out to me, however, I have only very recently realized the implications of this affliction. I am currently in the midst of a mini-meltdown because I am suddenly faced with how *imperfect* my life is. It was easy to ignore previously, because I was consumed with classes, but now that school is out for a bit, I am overcome by the realization that I am faaaaaar from perfect. I think that revelation is part of what has brought me to realize the detrimental effects of this A on my life. I keep asking myself the question, "how can such a perfectionist be so far from perfect?" I feel like I am failing miserably at everything that is unrelated to school and MM, and maybe I can't fix the school thing right now, but MM...well, I do have choices there. I don't know, maybe things will become clearer in the coming days, but for now I'm stuck wondering if the benefits of this A still outweigh the detriments.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 9:02am
To all of the previous threads on this subject:

Some of your insights were on the money. One of you mentioned that you should end it when you are at the height of that roller coaster ride; when you are the strongest. She was right. After 1 1/2 years into my A, the rest of my life tumbled when my daughter left for college. She was my pillar of strentgh. I ended up having to move twice in a 4 month period and where was MM? The same place he always was....unavailable except for once or twice a week for an hour of sex. BFD!!! This is when the roller coaster ride screeched to a halt and I jumped off. I abrutly ended my A because I was totally fatigued, stressed, depressed, etc. Affairs can do that to you. It took me 9 months (just like a pregnancy ) to re-create myself. It was the toughest thing I ever had to do, but I came back a much stronger, focused, and healthier person; until MM and I plunged into it again...only this time, I have the upper emotional hand. He KNOWS I don't need him. His words, "I have never known a woman as strong as you. Even though I am always worrying about you, I realise now that there isn't any need to. I just want to :)"

**Terri**

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 10:40am
I have been wondering something along the same lines. Not so much that I want to end it, but I have been really looking at the relationship part of my A. I think affair relationships go through the same phases that a regular relationship does. There is excitement in the begining because of the newness and maybe also because of the taboo. But then that newness wears off and what is left is feelings. Do you have them? Are they deep enough to keep going on the rollercoaster ride? I wonder lately if my mm isn't feeling that same way. He has been busier than usual lately and when we were together last we were laying there talking business and he said "Ididn't come up here to talk business" So I made a joke about the commercial on the radio. He wasn't paying attention to the radio. I wonder just what was consuming his thoughts then. I know he has been extra busy lately, but the fact that he keeps talking about it makes me wonder if he is feeling like the excitement is gone and why have another regular relationship. You know like he is making it seem like he is too busy for this or maybe I will end it because he is too busy. I don't know... overthinking again I guess because I FEEL like our relationship has come to that point where we are just working at keeping together because of our feelings for each other. Does that make sense??

I don't know either!

dd

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 11:29am
dd,

Once we realize that an affair is mainly a timed, planned encounter; that it's value is in understanding there really isn't any value other than a few moments of connectiveness with someone we love/lust. Eventually the "dream" becomes harsh "reality" and just like the earth settling over a period of time, a shaky foundation is formed. But I equate affairs as being built over earthquake faults. At any given moment they can abruptly activate, and cause great destruction. I always keep this in mind when there is "yuk yuk" in my "ya ya". (bad days mixed up in the good ones). Yeah, all relationships have this, but you and I decided to take that rocky road. If you are at all like me, and can enjoy living in the moment, your A will survive and possible even thrive.

YOU WROTE: <<<>>>

Hah! I have said this many times but finally realized that he is only trying to share the parts of his life he thinks would interest me. I told my MM a long time ago not to mention his W....EVER, before or after intimacy. Sometimes you just have to set the rules. It's the only control we have.

T.

**Terri**

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