I am in a weird situation. Would really like some help please. Thank you to all replies x

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
I am in a weird situation. Would really like some help please. Thank you to all replies x
6
Wed, 08-22-2012 - 10:58am

Hi all, my first post...well here goes..

A little background info..I am 26, currently living with my lil girl and her dad, have been with him for 7 years. I say 'her dad'  and not 'partner' because we are not in a physical or emotional relationship together. A lot has happened in the past. He cheated on me and has treated me like rubbish, so all my feelings towards him have totally switched off,forever. We purely stay together for our daughter. She has special needs so we have made an agreement that it is important for both of us to stay together and support her. Everything has been great so far. Our girl is our number one priority and we stay civil towards each other, although inside I am quite depressed at it all and very unhappy to not love and be loved back truly but I put on a brave face for the world...

Now to my current situation...Recently, within the last 2 months, I started talking to a guy whose 2 children go to the same school as my daughter. Saw him morning and evening when we dropped off/collected our children. We were drawn to each other in a way I can't explain, hit it off straight away and felt we had known each other as friends for years. There is an 18 year age gap, he is the older partner. We exchanged numbers and then the school holidays started so we knew we couldn't see each other as frequently. The bad part of the story is he is engaged to his partner that he was living with, the mother of his children. He did tell me this but I continued to text him, as friends. 

Well his fiancee went on holiday a few days after the school holidays started, to see family, with the kids and this guy was left at home. During this time we started texting every day, almost all day and we became even more close,still great friends. We also met up a lot and now know a lot about each other. We found out we share the same dreams and we have plenty in common. We did, after a great night out the other day, have sex and it was amazing, our souls connected and it felt like it was meant to be. This is the day I fell in love with him. We still continue to get on really well and text all the time. We both admitted we have strong emotional feelings for each other, that it is not just a case of lust and are physically attracted to each other too BUT he tells me he is happy with his life, how it is at the moment.

He is getting married in a couple of weeks, it was all planned last year. He has now left to go and join his fiancee and kids to prepare for the wedding. When I asked him (just curious of the answer), 'what if you don't get married', his reply was ' but it's all been planned now'.. He tells me that he will be thinking of me the whole time he is gone and as soon as he gets back we will see each other again. Another time he went out with his friends and the whole time he text me, saying he just needed to and he cannot get me out of his mind..he told his best friend about me in the end who I have met and we all enjoyed each others company, had a great night.

I do feel extremely guilty about what I have done and gotten into but at the same time this guy is absolutely PERFECT in my eyes, even if he isn't mine. He made me realise that not all men are mean and nasty and disrespect women. I cannot just stop seeing him, he has made me so happy within the past 2 months.  I'm not just talking about the special intimate night, just texting him about anything and everything really brightens up my day, and his too he says. We are great, great friends who just happen to be sexually attracted too.

I realise that I should not be staying involved with him and I feel for his fiancee but I cannot just end this, it would make me even more depressed. I feel fate brought us together and made us meet for a reason. I really don't want to remove him from my life, so maybe I am thinking friends with the occassional benefit now and then? I have told him 'let's stop seeing each other' (again curious of his answer') and his reply was 'I cannot imagine not speaking to you or meeting you again now. I still want you in my life. Who knows what will happen in the future')... He also told me with feeling that if he wasn't with his current partner he would no doubt have chose me to be his partner for life.

I know to you all it will probably sound like a case of he is having his cake and eating it but I KNOW deep down he is not that type of 'player' person and he has a wonderful personality, has had a brilliant childhood,nice family, well educated etc. He is content with his life at the moment, I guess I am with mine but we both make each other extremely happy when we contact each other. I guess it's that little happiness that is missing from both of our relationships, that both of us can provide each other with and our lives feel complete. Is it possible to just meet now and then, maybe be physically intimate and stay in our relationships. Has anyone ever done this and have a happy story to share? Just felt I needed to get this off my chest, am too ashamed to tell ANYONE (I know instantly I will be called a home breaker or whatever the term is and he a 'player' but we are both not like that at all, I wouldn't have dreamt of getting myself into this situation at any time in my life) It just happened, for a reason, I don't know why yet..just need some advice on what to do please. We cannot end what we started,we cannot be fully together at the moment but have very strong,TRUE feelings for each other. Am interested in everyone's opinions. Thank you x

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2011

Hi and welcome:smileyhappy:

So what you want, at this point, is to be able to stay with your daughter's dad and have an emotional relationship with the MM on the side? but what you may really want, down the line, is for a chance at a real life relationship with him? It sounds like you may be hoping for that. 

There are a few things about your situation that are worrisome. First is that you dont have a physical and emotional relationship with your girl's dad, but that your MM seems to have that with his soon to be wife. An uneven A (affair) is very hard to maintain. You may not be feeling jealous and unfullfilled yet, but it will likely happen. Second, your AP (affair partner) is moving forward with his plans with his fiancee, and when you asked about it he confirmed that it will happen. He also said that if he wasn't with her, he'd be with you. You must believe him when he says this. he is saying that although he is crazy for you, he has someone else. I think holding onto a hope that he will eventually choose you, would be a heartbreaking and foolish thing to do.

There are really only 2 things that you can do. Either accept that you will be having an affair with him and try to keep the thoughts of eventually being together from your mind and enjoy the relationship for what it can bring you, or you can drop him and move on. I have a feeling you will do the first, since you admitted that you both feel you are in too far to stop now. You are so young, are you sure that you would not like to find a real relationship with someone you love? 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Welcome to the board Kandi,

Your AP is telling you everything you need to know.

1)BUT he tells me he is happy with his life, how it is at the moment.
2) He is getting married in a couple of weeks

You have admitted you love him, this A will get harder and harder for you. Being close to him and in love, will show you how lonely things are at home for you. Soon you will be jealous of the time he spends with his wife. When the freshness of the relationship ebbs and he has less time to give you will feel so hurt.

He told you who he is, he is showing you who he is. He is a man getting married and who is happy with his life. He won't change his mind about his marriage down the road, please don't feed yourself false hopes.

Maybe this is your wake up call, that you need more out of life. I am just afraid in the end, MM and being second fiddle to his life won't be enough.

Good luck and hugs!
~Sunny~
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2009

 

Here we go again; instant connection, we share the same dreams .......

What advice are you asking for?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2012
I agree with the first posts. If he truly loves you and wanted to be with you, no matter if it was planned already or not the wedding would not happen. I'm not saying he doesn't love and care for you but you are not his first priority in his life. I agree that you are very young and is this really how you want the rest of your 20's and 30's to be? It might be hard but I would explain to the AP that even though you both have strong emotional feelings that he chose the life he wanted to lead and unfortunately you can't play second fiddle to anyone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010

Hello!  Welcome ot MAS.

First, your situation is not weird here.  It is textbook affair stuff.  Right now, at the 2-3 month mark you are in very deep and the fog is thick.

Are you aware of how much your contradict yourself in your post?  For example:

"Everything has been great so far. Our girl is our number one priority and we stay civil towards each other, although inside I am quite depressed at it all and very unhappy to not love and be loved back truly but I put on a brave face for the world..."

"He is content with his life at the moment, I guess I am with mine"

You go from saying things are great to admitting you are depressed an unhappy about your life.  Then again, you say that you are content with your life, when clearly you aren't.  Is it a brave face to pretend you are OK and let it eat at you and make you emotionally sicker and sicker?  Or is it really braver to show people that you are hurting, that you aren't happy, and that you need to make a change to fulfill your basic needs?  I think the second option is brave myself.  I also think it is vital to be honest with yourself, and it doesn't sound like you are doing that yet.  

I know that he seems like the greatest thing ever right now, and I am sure he has many great qualities, but it is also VERY much part of the whole A fog to put your AP on a pedestal.  For example, you wrote: 

"He made me realise that not all men are mean and nasty and disrespect women."

Let's face it, the man is marrying another woman and he told you that he would be thinking of you the whole time. That is treating a woman pretty disrespectfully on the one day he should treating her the best.  Every single one of us who cheats on our spouse disrespects that person.  I get why we do, I did it, and I love a man who did it, but it seems really obvious that both of us were not good about treating our spouses respectfully, or we would have never had an A in the first place.  My point is that the fog makes every virtue seems bigger and brighter, and it buffs away flaws better than the best Photoshop program!  Even if you can't see the flaws now, at least remember than they are there.  It might help you keep your head a bit.

"I know instantly I will be called a home breaker or whatever the term is and he a 'player' but we are both not like that at all, I wouldn't have dreamt of getting myself into this situation at any time in my life) It just happened, for a reason, I don't know why yet..just need some advice on what to do please. We cannot end what we started,we cannot be fully together at the moment but have very strong,TRUE feelings for each other"

None of us would call ourselves homewreckers or players, I think.  That is what other people call us.  None of us ever thought we would have an A, and most of us were surprised to end up in one (or more).  It isn't fate that causes us to do it.  It is a decision that both people make, consciously or subconsciously.  So the reason your A happened is something in your own life, whatever it was that caused you to even be open to seeing that sort of interest from another man. Maybe the lesson is to show you it's time to move on from your M?  I don't know.  I would just warn against fantasizing that it was fate that brought you together.  After all, if it was fate and you were supposed to be together...you'd be together.  He is still single and he is choosing to marry his fiancee.  If that was fate's plan, it seems a little bit messed up, and I'd stop trusting fate.

My suggestion would be to read, read, read on here to help you see just how normal your A is (by A standards).  It can really help put things in perspective.  You may want to go back a few years and check out posts from anotherseyes.  She had a similar rollercoaster ride, firmly believing that she and an old love were brought back together by fate (and the circumstances WERE pretty oddly coincidental).  But it's three years later, and although she still loves her AP, she has come to realize that if fate was trying to pair them off in real life, it has not done a very good job.  I know that letting go of the romantic notion that they were meant to be together was a very tough thing for her.  Maybe reading about how she handled it will help you down the road when you get to that point.