I asked him.........

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
I asked him.........
7
Thu, 11-13-2003 - 11:31am


, just the other day, Veterans day he had some

time off and we spent the early part of the evening together,afterwards I said,

"will it always be this way?" he said, yeah. Then he said you need

to find yourself a bf ....... and I said,,, I can't and left the

rest unsaid... then he's said that's got to better than me not calling

and the pain... I said why do you do it.. you know how it hurts me..

he's like,,, it's easier than telling you we can't see each other anymore,,

we 've known each other a long time...

Then he's said... oh, now you're mad..... I said I wasn't expecting you to say, yes it will always be this way... he said I don't know what the future will bring..

and then I asked him if he loved her and he said I don't feel the same as I used

to and she is a good mother and I said don't give me the cop out answer..

and said yes...long pause,,, I guess I do...

Never took the opportunity to say he loves me...

asked if we were back in those times 14yrs or so ago would I do things differentlyand i said yes... he said I guess we all would... I said here we go, with another generic answer.. the he said I would make do things differently also....

I've been through two marriages with hime off and on in my life since like 1989...

I left the first one so we could be together... then his dad died..and we had a long period of like 6 mos with NC in the meanwhile I kept calling and calling then eventually stopped and took a trip to FL to see an old friend who I'd seen during the holidays...

( left my ex on 12/21 h #1) then he leaves his business card on my car at work one day and we got together but I had now had plans to move to FL... we told each other we loved each other and said goodbye.... kept in touch till he met his W.. called me in FL to ask me if he should get married... I said it's time you settled down.. I had just had my first child and things were great....

anyway moved back home and we picked up again all crazy about each other seeing each other every Friday .......... now this and hills and valleys along the way..

what the hell do I do with this... what do I do now.... he's breaking my heart and I am letting him.... what does this mean ... in regard to our conversation on Vet's day???

Of course NC for the past two days again... I just want to hear him say he loves me even when we are intimate and I say talk to me... he just says he doesn't know what to say...

he did say he will try to come over next weekend when I asked him to and said I have the kids this weekend...

You girls are the only ones who really know how this makes me crazy... really need some feedback and interpretations on your parts....thanks so much this board is the only place I can vent about this and know you understand.







































iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-13-2003 - 2:00pm
deb, from what you've posted, i'm sorry to have to say this, but your MM wants to stay in his M and end the A. that's what he said. there's no interpretation, it's the facts. your MM is telling you to get a BF, that the A is all that you two will have and that he loves his W and she's a good mother. and he can't say he loves you because he doesn't. he wants the sex, not the commitment.

so what don't you understand?? are you closing your eyes and mind to the obvious, honey? you must accept the A for what it is, just an A. and relax and be happy with the time you have with MM. if you want more, he's not going to give it to you. he can't.

sorry to be so blunt, but you deserve to be happy and fulfilled, with someone who wants to be with you and love you. if you're not happy, you need to fix that situation. only you can do that.

make yourself happy,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Thu, 11-13-2003 - 2:19pm
Deb, I hope you can appreciate Gurl's bluntness because I agree with her 99% on everything she said. I dont think we have any way of knowing if he loves you or not...but it's obvious that he loves his wife and isn't planning on leaving his marriage to be with you.

I am sorry to hear that you have two failed marriages as a result of this A but I must say that you made that choice. Unfortunately, you left your marriages for him instead of for yourself. Learn to be true to yourself and realize that you are responsible for your own happiness and that your happiness can not be and should not be contingent on your MM...

*hugs*

cl-liberalgirl

callmeliberal@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Thu, 11-13-2003 - 3:19pm
Hi Deb -

I am a married woman with 3 small kids (SAHM) who was just involved with a separated and much older man by 23 years. I have feelings for him, possibly even love, but I was extremely content with him being my lover on the side. How could I break up my family? I think he was kind of content with that as well, not sure, got mixed signals. We never discussed a future, well, in 15 years when my kids were grown. If only my H would have agreed to an open marriage. H caught us twice in 2 months, once my fault, once OM's fault. We (OM) ended in early October but we started up again 2 weeks ago. Of course, the confrontation with my H put a face to H's name, and now OM is cold to me. I am trying to get him to warm up again. I am so weak. He has done wonders for me, I was really feeling despaired in my marriage. There was nil communication and my motto became, "Whatever." Now it is definitely "fake it till you make it". I am going to try to repair my marriage. Of course, I am not doing a good job by sending my OM email, am I?

Affairs are so hard. For everyone.

dmm104

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Fri, 11-14-2003 - 12:22am


I do appreciate the bluntness of your messages and i guess would

not look at the truth and wanted to beieve he loves me.....

I will try not to call him but I know it will be hard to do....

He is supposed to come over next weekend.... if I don't hear from him I won't

persue it.... I told him just recently if you don't want to see me,just be

a man and tell me.... I guess that conversation was pretty close to it, wasn't it??

I have a date this weekend and plans for next weekend too ( I always have a back up plan

when it comes to him...learned the hard way....Thanks for giving it to me straight.

Deb

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Fri, 11-14-2003 - 10:40am
I am so sorry for your pain, Deb. I have told my OM that people get hurt when married people misbehave. That very much includes the wayward spouse and the other person too. As a wayward spouse, I can definitely say getting involved in an EMR is a bad idea. It is so difficult to execute to begin with! BTW I have been an OW too so I know where you are. Get over this guy and keep busy. Maybe you didn't love him after all! That would be great news for you! Go out with groups of friends, it's better that way. Take care, Donita
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Fri, 11-14-2003 - 11:28am
Deb, sorry for your pain. I think you and MM have become friends after all these years and can stay friends but leave the A alone. He loves his W and maybe loves you but as a friend only. Put him behind you as a potential mate, it'll never happen. If you can't be "friends only" leave him alone in its entirety. He'll probably come back some time in the future (if that's his pattern) as it seems MMs like this get an urge to have a little dessert on the side every now and then. If you're okay with that go for it. If not, tell him so.

Hope this helps.

Hugs

Luvin
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Fri, 11-14-2003 - 12:46pm
Hello ladies....

I am ok right now, I guess because I did just see him on Tuesday and

despite the conversation we did have some time together... he did ask what I thought..

I mean about his not calling being easier than saying we can't see each other...

Easier for WHOM, I should have said.

Next week will be harder as Friday approaches. I do love him and have for a long, long time. It is very true that these EMA hurt people and there's no pretty end to it, as he said once a long time ago... these things always end badly.. Jeez that was years ago, we are also freinds-- when I lived w/ my Mom after I first left my H he was always there

for me and with the problems w/my son at school, I've called crying and he has been there..but if he doesn't love me or just won't tell me for whatever reasons, I can't go on like this... having that empty part never filled. I am trying to date but haven't

met anyone yet that strikes my fancy. I know that would be the best thing for

me yet I think of the times we hang out here on the couch like we've been

here the whole time, together.

I know it is not so and if he loved me he would not want to hurt me like this.

I will keep you posted, going out Saturday night and taking the kids to the

movies tonight. Tomorrow morning we'll go for breakfast or something too.

As always thanks for being there.

I'd love an email if anyone would like or chat on Yahoo IM, email and I will give yu my screen name for that. thank you so much, I should have know I could never stand being second in his life.

Hugs to you,

deb