I asked him to make a decision

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2008
I asked him to make a decision
22
Sun, 10-26-2008 - 11:29am

My AP (who is M) and I known each other for almost a year, been together since June. I am recently separated with my H, and my A is the usual one - with high and lows, with all crazy happiness and frustration that all of us here know. My H wants to reconcile, at this point I am undecided if our R is completely over, we still have a lot in common and not totally disconnected. Of course, with AP in a picture, I am stuck in this situation, not knowing which direction to move - either to reconcile with my H, or get divorce and start dating and find something that will work for me.

So last time I saw my AP I asked him what he is going to do about out situation. He said he loves me too much to let me go out of his life. I asked him, does he think he'll be leaving his home. He said he does not know, they've been together for 20 years and he has nothing bad to say about his W. I told him if he is sure he won't leave, I need to know this so I can make my own decisions. He said he is not sure. I told him I won't push for anything right now because holidays are coming and I don't want to make it hell for everybody involved, but he should start thinking about his plans for the future, and he promised me that.

I feel so low. He is spineless coward. He loves me, but he is afraid to come out and tell his W and look like and A#$hole to her and kids.

I will wait til the end of the year, after that if he won't make a decision, I will have to make one. In December will be 6 months of us being together...that is as much as I'm willing to put in relationship that goes nowhere. If I would be happy with our arrangements, that would be one thing. But I am not. I am lonely, depressed and frustrated most of the time.
I just hope I will have enough strength to go with it...Anyone else been in this situation?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Sun, 10-26-2008 - 3:13pm

Hi Vivaciousgirl,


The only decsion that needs to be made is what is good for you and your life, when leaving a marriage it should never be about anyone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2008
Sun, 10-26-2008 - 3:26pm

Thanks for your reply, jen. That's why I asked him what he wants to do, because I want to make a decision that is good for me. I am unhappy now and don't see why would I stay in that position. There is no shortage of men to date, if I will decide to divorce. If I decide to reconcile with H, then AP has to be out of the picture too, otherwise it will never work.

I told AP that he is free to make his own decisions and whatever makes him happy, and I will take whatever answer he has for me, and "no" is an answer too. He is out of town for weekend, visiting family. Dropped me a few texts, and that's it. I'm getting angry with the whole thing, I just don't see myself going for long with this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Sun, 10-26-2008 - 3:45pm

Hi Vivaciousgirl,


If I did things differently, I would'nt have waited.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Sun, 10-26-2008 - 6:41pm
How can you push you AP to make a decision when you can't make your own decision about your M?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2008
Sun, 10-26-2008 - 7:13pm
Sdlostorfound, I am OUT of my marriage, while my AP is not. I've been on my own for almost 3 months by now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2008
Mon, 10-27-2008 - 12:21pm

You're in the situation where I could see myself in the not too distant future.

Pink Passion Flower

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2008
Tue, 10-28-2008 - 9:00pm

Thanks for your reply, Pink

When I separated with my H, it was because we had intimacy problems for last 2 years and would not address them or even acknowledge them. Of course, with no AP involved, I may have just continue on suffering because my M was picture perfect on the outside and I was pretty comfortable otherwise. But when I felt the passion I was missing for so long, I could not tolerate my empty M, and ended it.

Now I don't know which direction to go...I hate to sit around and wait for AP to decide whether he will leave or not, because what if it will never happen, and how long of waiting is long enough? I'd rather start getting my life back together. H wants to try and reconcile, I am not sure about it, and I need to get over my A first.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2008
Tue, 10-28-2008 - 9:18pm

Sounds a lot like me.

Pink Passion Flower

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2008
Tue, 10-28-2008 - 9:30pm

Pink, there is no strength in me, believe me, I cry day and night. What kind of life is that? I have to end it because it's killing me. I was unhappy with my H, but comparing to how unhappy I am now? I am totally miserable.

My H was making good money, treated me nicely, was a good father. Now I have all the kinds of money issues, feel very lonely, and crying over AP who may not even love me as much as he says..his actions did not convince me yet. So giving ultimatum is sure a way to end an agony. I am so afraid of the pain it will bring me (we broke up once before, I thought I would die), but even more afraid to live in pain for indefinite time. I just see how depressed and sad I've become over those months. It started as such a joy and happiness, now it turned into nightmare.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2008
Wed, 10-29-2008 - 1:21am

Let me give you a hug... I feel for you.

Pink Passion Flower

 

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