I blew it!
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| Thu, 12-18-2003 - 2:48pm |
Why is it no matter how many times I plan this out, it always ends up the same? Right before lunch, exactly 30 minutes after we'd normally have spoken, MM called me. I was on my way out the door. He said, "You sound surprised to hear from me." I said, "I am." I mentioned he was kinda rude yesterday and he said, much to my surprise, "I was, wasn't I?" A part of me thought maybe I was just imagining it. He said after the other day, when we talked about meeting for oral sex, he went home and had a rough night, whatever that means. I didn't ask for details. He said he feels like when that happens it's God's way of reminding him of all he has to lose. (He and W have some major fights and I think when they get that way he starts to fear she's about to leave and he's about to lose his daughter...) He said, "When I get scared, I tend to run 100 miles an hour in the other direction, don't I?" I said, "Yeah, and you do it from one day to the next so it's kind of hard on me." I told him all I ask is that he just ease out a little more gradually. He didn't really comment on that, but he said we can't have sex. We just can't. I said, "Ever?" and he said, "Well, I wouldn't say that." I tried to pinpoint how long we're talking and he wouldn't commit, but it all goes back to our different views of this. MM wants to be with me. He doesn't want to have sex. He envisions his marriage ending and the two of us being together "someday" whereas I just don't know if I can imagine that. I asked him why we can't talk about what we want to do to each other and flirt and have fun but not do anything physical and he said, "Because it's WRONG. We're MARRIED." Of course, that's true... Anyway, I stopped by his office after lunch to say hi and we had a lighthearted conversation about nothing in particular. He told me I was pretty and I looked nice, which was nice to hear. He doesn't really compliment me as much as before...I think he takes it for granted that I know it already. He kept giving me sexual looks, then looking away abruptly when he realized what he was doing. This is exactly what he's done so many times before and I know, good and well, that sometime in January once we're back and have gone without each other for a while, he's going to start coming after me again. It may be as late as February, but it's going to happen. So what should I do when that happens? Am I better off just going with it and taking it as far as it will go, or should I fight it? Here's the thing...I don't know if I'm ready to sleep with him. I don't know if I can handle the guilt, the sneaking around... I guess I have a lot of thinking to do over the holidays. (What else is new?) But I do know that today, when he was telling me I was pretty and looking at me like I'm beautiful, I felt happier than I have in a long time. I don't have to have him telling me what he wants to do to me, but I don't know how to make him see that. Maybe I should write it in a letter and give it to him. What do you all think? Should I just let this rest until after the holidays?

but good luck on the holding off part, because it sounds to me like MM is going to come apart at the seams in the very near future and jump your bones girl! and i get that feeling because you write soooo freakin' well that i feel like i'm watching the movie.
gurl
Anyway, thanks for your kind words. I think maybe instead of my New Year's Resolution being something to do with MM, maybe it needs to be to get back to my writing. I wanted to publish a book someday, but since this whole thing began my concentration has just gone to nothing.
Even if you decide not to, I would SERIOUSLY advise against sex when he has stated outright, as well as through his actions, that he thinks it is wrong. Encouraging a person to do what he knows is wrong is, well, wrong. He does not seem to think it's possible to have fun and flirt and have casual sex and still be a good married person, and most people would agree with him. Let's suppose you do go down that path, let's say one day when you've been drinking or something. What happens after? Don't you think he's going to run *200* miles an hour in the opposite direction? And who do you suppose he's going to unconsciously assign the blame to?
Take a step back, Lilah. And think about this hard. One good way of thinking about it might be, if I weren't working with him and didn't see him all the time, would we have a relationship? If the answer is no, is it really worth all the time and energy you're spending on it? Also consider how much time you're spending thinking about him relative to how much time you spend on building your relationship with your husband.
Just some things to think about.
I thought I might call him if he doesn't call me before time to go home, but you know what? I'm not going to. Even though we only work three more days and then we won't see each other for a while, I'm fine. You guys have helped me see the big picture, whether you knew it or not. Just having an outsider say that we're headed toward good things in 2004 makes me feel like maybe today doesn't matter so much. I was going to thank him for being so sweet, but I can do that next time HE calls ME, whenever that is!
"It gives me great comfort that if there ever were a time we were together, it wouldn't take a whole lot to keep him faithful. Just keep that ego pumped up and give him really hot sex on a regular basis, and he's happy!" I wonder how much any of *us* would like it if someone reduced our ability to be happy to great sex and having our egos pumped up? Hmmmm......
"I could be wrong, but when this all began I didn't get why he'd cheat on his W. She was sweet and cute and fun, but then one day he started talking about how she does everything around the house. She bakes, she cleans, she cooks, she fixes things, she builds things... I've seen the way he lights up whenever I've asked him to fix something or help me with something. I think he just wants to feel NEEDED."
I don't know that anyone can truly pinpoint every reason that leads to infidelity. I *think* that if my OM and I were married, it would be in some ways a more complete marriage than he has with his wife - I think he finds me more to be a more interesting and open-minded person, and we have a level of physical intimacy that has to do, not with technique, but with complete giving and trust. However, who knows? I don't truly know what his relationship is with his wife, because I'm not her, and I'd be leery of saying, "I could make him happy because I make him feel this way and I know she doesn't." I can easily infer that we have a much closer physical relationship than they do, but just as I don't say to him, "You know, my husband and I have more interesting conversations on such-and-such a topic than you and I do," I am sure there are things he adores in her that he feels are lacking in me that he doesn't tell me.
And despite the intensity of our relationship, I am not sure I could ever say that I would never stray if I were married to him. I would not have thought I would ever stray in the first place. So I would hesitate to say that because he and I are closer in some respects than he is with his wife, that means he would not stray. I think he probably would not, but who knows?
Edited 3/10/2004 5:07 pm ET ET by geek_chic
Well, keep in mind that when this all began, I simply could not fathom why he would want me instead of his wife. She's gained a little weight, but she's a very beautiful woman and they fit together. They have similar personalities, similar economic backgrounds, etc. Everyone thinks they're perfect. Yet at home she's this superwoman, running around doing everything and too tired to give him any attention. Honestly, he doesn't complain about her EVER. This is what I get from him and from others who have been around them as a couple. Apparently on more than one occasion she's cut him down in front of his friends. That just tears down his ego. Plus he lost a lot of weight, works out faithfully, yet she never tells him he looks good. Never.
This isn't a guy that came into this wanting sex. (Although I'm sure the thought entered his mind more than once!) Right out of the gate he was just star-struck by me, telling me how beautiful I was and how he couldn't stop thinking about me. He resisted kissing me for a long, long time, then one day caved in. To this day it's HIM that resists any physical activity. It's always me wanting to kiss and touch and just be together. I think he would be very, very happy with me, not just because of the sex and ego thing either. I may have made it sound simplistic, but it's like this: part of being in love with someone is loving the way you feel about yourself when you're with that person. I make him feel sexy and gorgeous and as though I respect him a great deal. When I ask him to help me fix something, it just FEELS like I'm boosting his ego. Like we'd fit well together. Not just because I could make him feel useful, but also because he makes me feel beautiful and petite and... well, HAPPY when we're together. I'm coming to realize all this now, after eight months of really not knowing why he sought me out or why I sought him out. We were both happy before we met, but at home we were lacking. We both feel unneeded in our homes, we're both married to people who can do it all. I don't know for sure that anything would keep us from straying if we were married to each other. Who knows? But I do know that a lot of the reason he looks outside is because he likes feeling as though someone out there is thinking about him. That someone finds him desirable. For better or worse, that's what we have.
You're so right, geek_chic. So in January, when MM starts coming onto me again, I'm coming straight here. (Well, I'll still be around I'm sure!) I'm going to post to you guys that it's happening and I want you all to remind me that I should NOT GIVE IN. He's going to start hinting around about meeting and I'm going to resist. I'm going to say that I'm not ready to take that step yet, and he isn't either. I'm going to try to remember that just one meeting with him can mean weeks or months of not getting to speak to him at all. It's simply not worth it. I was just thinking tonight about how close I came to meeting him and doing something I can't even IMAGINE. Well, I can imagine it, but that's a different story! I was with my husband...well, you know, and I was thinking how I'd feel right now if I'd gone through with the action. The GUILT would be almost unbearable. Does anyone else remember the first time you and MM/OM did the deed? How did you feel afterward? Was it earth-shattering, knowing you'd crossed that line?
back to your post to me, you said you will try to resist the urge with MM, but let me tell you, every time you two are together, you take a step closer to the ultimate, or should i say, inevitable conclusion -- sex -- and unless one of you physically leaves the area, you and MM will always face this dilemma/push-pull for each other! the attraction is undeniable. and since MM done this before, he's trying to resist thate attraction -- he doesn't want to start his life over again, it's too exhausting! you know what they say about playing with fire.....
as for your question about "guilt" when i did the deed with my MM, no way, jose! lilah, you and MM are headed for a showdown in 2004, whether or not either of you want to admit it. and you can throw yourself into writing your novel, but it's gonna happen!
gurl
Edited 2/18/2004 12:27:33 PM ET by gurlfriend50