I blew it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
I blew it!
10
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 2:48pm
This is another long one, so feel free not to read it if you're tired of my novels!

Why is it no matter how many times I plan this out, it always ends up the same? Right before lunch, exactly 30 minutes after we'd normally have spoken, MM called me. I was on my way out the door. He said, "You sound surprised to hear from me." I said, "I am." I mentioned he was kinda rude yesterday and he said, much to my surprise, "I was, wasn't I?" A part of me thought maybe I was just imagining it. He said after the other day, when we talked about meeting for oral sex, he went home and had a rough night, whatever that means. I didn't ask for details. He said he feels like when that happens it's God's way of reminding him of all he has to lose. (He and W have some major fights and I think when they get that way he starts to fear she's about to leave and he's about to lose his daughter...) He said, "When I get scared, I tend to run 100 miles an hour in the other direction, don't I?" I said, "Yeah, and you do it from one day to the next so it's kind of hard on me." I told him all I ask is that he just ease out a little more gradually. He didn't really comment on that, but he said we can't have sex. We just can't. I said, "Ever?" and he said, "Well, I wouldn't say that." I tried to pinpoint how long we're talking and he wouldn't commit, but it all goes back to our different views of this. MM wants to be with me. He doesn't want to have sex. He envisions his marriage ending and the two of us being together "someday" whereas I just don't know if I can imagine that. I asked him why we can't talk about what we want to do to each other and flirt and have fun but not do anything physical and he said, "Because it's WRONG. We're MARRIED." Of course, that's true... Anyway, I stopped by his office after lunch to say hi and we had a lighthearted conversation about nothing in particular. He told me I was pretty and I looked nice, which was nice to hear. He doesn't really compliment me as much as before...I think he takes it for granted that I know it already. He kept giving me sexual looks, then looking away abruptly when he realized what he was doing. This is exactly what he's done so many times before and I know, good and well, that sometime in January once we're back and have gone without each other for a while, he's going to start coming after me again. It may be as late as February, but it's going to happen. So what should I do when that happens? Am I better off just going with it and taking it as far as it will go, or should I fight it? Here's the thing...I don't know if I'm ready to sleep with him. I don't know if I can handle the guilt, the sneaking around... I guess I have a lot of thinking to do over the holidays. (What else is new?) But I do know that today, when he was telling me I was pretty and looking at me like I'm beautiful, I felt happier than I have in a long time. I don't have to have him telling me what he wants to do to me, but I don't know how to make him see that. Maybe I should write it in a letter and give it to him. What do you all think? Should I just let this rest until after the holidays?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 3:14pm
lilah, MM obviously wants you and knows it, but he's desperately trying to hold back because he's BTDT and knows the rollercoaster ride by heart! and you're uncertain as to how far you want this emotionally A to go physically. sooooo...... i suggest you leave the entire matter alone until after all the holiday stuff settles down and you both can concentrate on what's going on between you.

but good luck on the holding off part, because it sounds to me like MM is going to come apart at the seams in the very near future and jump your bones girl! and i get that feeling because you write soooo freakin' well that i feel like i'm watching the movie.

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 3:16pm
All the encounters with your MM seem like repeats from the movie Ground Hog Day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 4:02pm
Thank you, gurl. Can I hug you? It ended up being a two-page note (surprised?!) but I'm not going to give it to him. Instead, if I see him or talk to him again I'm going to summarize what I said in it which is that today, when I was in his office, and he looked at me like I was beautiful, I felt more at peace than I have in a long time. That's what he used to do...that's how it all started. He didn't tell me what he wanted to do to me back then -- he told me I was beautiful, like a model, and that he couldn't stop thinking about me. But lately it's been either him trying to prevent even the slightest bit of attraction from seeping out or him telling me what he wants to do to me, sexually, in dirty detail. I was starting to feel kinda cheap and used. Today he kinda reminded me why I started falling for him in the first place. It's been so long since I've seen that side of him and I've missed it SO BADLY. And yes, he knows this rollercoaster ride. He knows that he does this and he hates to hurt me. He could tell today I'd been crying and I couldn't do anything about that. But I told him, point blank, that it's only a matter of time before we're right back where I'm having to fight meeting him. He was dead silent when I said that, so I guess he knows I'm right. A couple of months ago when this happened, we made an agreement not to let it get to this point. He said he wouldn't try to weaken me; that we'd just stay friends. And he stuck to that promise for over a month (the longest ever) and then a couple of weeks ago we're in this meeting and I look over and he's leveled this intense stare at me that he just held... When when I asked him later what was up with the look, he said, "Maybe I've missed our talks." (Meaning our deeply intense sex talks.) Here's the thing -- when he gets like that it always occurs to me that I don't have to fall for it. That I could just continue to be aloof and ignore his looks, but I enjoy being told he's fantasizing about me. Should I just relax and ride the waves? That's what I feel like but I don't know. The thing is, I honestly don't see his marriage lasting. It seems mighty odd to me that whenever things get really intense between us, he has a big blowup at home. He blames it on her, but don't you think maybe she's getting a vibe from him? Maybe he's distant or moody or whatever and she senses it and they end up fighting? Either that or they have a night where she suddenly surprises him with really romantic, hot sex. That's happened before too and I'm beginning to wonder if maybe she doesn't do that to reel him back in. I guess if we are ever together, I'll be able to see first-hand exactly what it is she puts him through...

Anyway, thanks for your kind words. I think maybe instead of my New Year's Resolution being something to do with MM, maybe it needs to be to get back to my writing. I wanted to publish a book someday, but since this whole thing began my concentration has just gone to nothing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
In reply to: lilah_iv
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 4:11pm
I think you should let it rest, period. If you two don't have the same goals with the relationship, it seems to me that it should be like any other relationship where the goals are different and the barriers to reconciling them are high. In other words, let it go.

Even if you decide not to, I would SERIOUSLY advise against sex when he has stated outright, as well as through his actions, that he thinks it is wrong. Encouraging a person to do what he knows is wrong is, well, wrong. He does not seem to think it's possible to have fun and flirt and have casual sex and still be a good married person, and most people would agree with him. Let's suppose you do go down that path, let's say one day when you've been drinking or something. What happens after? Don't you think he's going to run *200* miles an hour in the opposite direction? And who do you suppose he's going to unconsciously assign the blame to?

Take a step back, Lilah. And think about this hard. One good way of thinking about it might be, if I weren't working with him and didn't see him all the time, would we have a relationship? If the answer is no, is it really worth all the time and energy you're spending on it? Also consider how much time you're spending thinking about him relative to how much time you spend on building your relationship with your husband.

Just some things to think about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 4:22pm
YES, we're always going round and round the same circle. I don't know if I want to sleep with him as much as I just want to break the freakin' cycle! But you know what? Sleeping with him wouldn't do that, and I realize that more and more the longer this goes along. At first I just didn't know how to handle his sudden bouts of the guilts. I truly thought it was over when it happened in June, but now I know it's not, so that makes it easier. But there is something that happens to me physically when he suddenly withdraws like that. It's like a huge void is left. The phone calls stop, the visits stop... I go through withdrawals, plain and simple. But each time he comes back, we seem to move a little further. We just push that line a little bit further and a little bit further. And as we get further along, he pushes me away even HARDER and more suddenly (this is all figuratively speaking, of course!). And it seems like the times we're just being friends last far longer and the times we're being more intimate are shorter and shorter. I guess I'm wrong for trying to find patterns here, but it makes me feel better, so bear with me! Is this normal? To be honest with you, I'm incredibly impressed with how much he's fighting this A. It gives me great comfort that if there ever were a time we were together, it wouldn't take a whole lot to keep him faithful. Just keep that ego pumped up and give him really hot sex on a regular basis, and he's happy! I could be wrong, but when this all began I didn't get why he'd cheat on his W. She was sweet and cute and fun, but then one day he started talking about how she does everything around the house. She bakes, she cleans, she cooks, she fixes things, she builds things... I've seen the way he lights up whenever I've asked him to fix something or help me with something. I think he just wants to feel NEEDED.

I thought I might call him if he doesn't call me before time to go home, but you know what? I'm not going to. Even though we only work three more days and then we won't see each other for a while, I'm fine. You guys have helped me see the big picture, whether you knew it or not. Just having an outsider say that we're headed toward good things in 2004 makes me feel like maybe today doesn't matter so much. I was going to thank him for being so sweet, but I can do that next time HE calls ME, whenever that is!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
In reply to: lilah_iv
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 5:16pm
There were a couple things you wrote in here that really got me wondering. . .

"It gives me great comfort that if there ever were a time we were together, it wouldn't take a whole lot to keep him faithful. Just keep that ego pumped up and give him really hot sex on a regular basis, and he's happy!" I wonder how much any of *us* would like it if someone reduced our ability to be happy to great sex and having our egos pumped up? Hmmmm......

"I could be wrong, but when this all began I didn't get why he'd cheat on his W. She was sweet and cute and fun, but then one day he started talking about how she does everything around the house. She bakes, she cleans, she cooks, she fixes things, she builds things... I've seen the way he lights up whenever I've asked him to fix something or help me with something. I think he just wants to feel NEEDED."

I don't know that anyone can truly pinpoint every reason that leads to infidelity. I *think* that if my OM and I were married, it would be in some ways a more complete marriage than he has with his wife - I think he finds me more to be a more interesting and open-minded person, and we have a level of physical intimacy that has to do, not with technique, but with complete giving and trust. However, who knows? I don't truly know what his relationship is with his wife, because I'm not her, and I'd be leery of saying, "I could make him happy because I make him feel this way and I know she doesn't." I can easily infer that we have a much closer physical relationship than they do, but just as I don't say to him, "You know, my husband and I have more interesting conversations on such-and-such a topic than you and I do," I am sure there are things he adores in her that he feels are lacking in me that he doesn't tell me.

And despite the intensity of our relationship, I am not sure I could ever say that I would never stray if I were married to him. I would not have thought I would ever stray in the first place. So I would hesitate to say that because he and I are closer in some respects than he is with his wife, that means he would not stray. I think he probably would not, but who knows?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 5:52pm
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Edited 3/10/2004 5:07 pm ET ET by geek_chic
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 7:28pm
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Well, keep in mind that when this all began, I simply could not fathom why he would want me instead of his wife. She's gained a little weight, but she's a very beautiful woman and they fit together. They have similar personalities, similar economic backgrounds, etc. Everyone thinks they're perfect. Yet at home she's this superwoman, running around doing everything and too tired to give him any attention. Honestly, he doesn't complain about her EVER. This is what I get from him and from others who have been around them as a couple. Apparently on more than one occasion she's cut him down in front of his friends. That just tears down his ego. Plus he lost a lot of weight, works out faithfully, yet she never tells him he looks good. Never.

This isn't a guy that came into this wanting sex. (Although I'm sure the thought entered his mind more than once!) Right out of the gate he was just star-struck by me, telling me how beautiful I was and how he couldn't stop thinking about me. He resisted kissing me for a long, long time, then one day caved in. To this day it's HIM that resists any physical activity. It's always me wanting to kiss and touch and just be together. I think he would be very, very happy with me, not just because of the sex and ego thing either. I may have made it sound simplistic, but it's like this: part of being in love with someone is loving the way you feel about yourself when you're with that person. I make him feel sexy and gorgeous and as though I respect him a great deal. When I ask him to help me fix something, it just FEELS like I'm boosting his ego. Like we'd fit well together. Not just because I could make him feel useful, but also because he makes me feel beautiful and petite and... well, HAPPY when we're together. I'm coming to realize all this now, after eight months of really not knowing why he sought me out or why I sought him out. We were both happy before we met, but at home we were lacking. We both feel unneeded in our homes, we're both married to people who can do it all. I don't know for sure that anything would keep us from straying if we were married to each other. Who knows? But I do know that a lot of the reason he looks outside is because he likes feeling as though someone out there is thinking about him. That someone finds him desirable. For better or worse, that's what we have.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 7:36pm
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You're so right, geek_chic. So in January, when MM starts coming onto me again, I'm coming straight here. (Well, I'll still be around I'm sure!) I'm going to post to you guys that it's happening and I want you all to remind me that I should NOT GIVE IN. He's going to start hinting around about meeting and I'm going to resist. I'm going to say that I'm not ready to take that step yet, and he isn't either. I'm going to try to remember that just one meeting with him can mean weeks or months of not getting to speak to him at all. It's simply not worth it. I was just thinking tonight about how close I came to meeting him and doing something I can't even IMAGINE. Well, I can imagine it, but that's a different story! I was with my husband...well, you know, and I was thinking how I'd feel right now if I'd gone through with the action. The GUILT would be almost unbearable. Does anyone else remember the first time you and MM/OM did the deed? How did you feel afterward? Was it earth-shattering, knowing you'd crossed that line?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Fri, 12-19-2003 - 9:38am
lilah, i want to answer ALL your many questions, but i can't keep 'em straight -- i'll try though!

back to your post to me, you said you will try to resist the urge with MM, but let me tell you, every time you two are together, you take a step closer to the ultimate, or should i say, inevitable conclusion -- sex -- and unless one of you physically leaves the area, you and MM will always face this dilemma/push-pull for each other! the attraction is undeniable. and since MM done this before, he's trying to resist thate attraction -- he doesn't want to start his life over again, it's too exhausting! you know what they say about playing with fire.....

as for your question about "guilt" when i did the deed with my MM, no way, jose! lilah, you and MM are headed for a showdown in 2004, whether or not either of you want to admit it. and you can throw yourself into writing your novel, but it's gonna happen!

gurl




Edited 2/18/2004 12:27:33 PM ET by gurlfriend50