I broke my husband's heart...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
I broke my husband's heart...
6
Tue, 10-28-2003 - 12:21pm
He knows the divorce is coming and he's trying so hard to be a good man. It's almost unbearable. I just can't find it in me to love him again. I have my doubts that I ever really loved him at all. The guilt is so overwhelming that it has made me stay a couple times but now i fell like this is it. It's over. Is it strange that I want us to be good friends? We have a son together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Tue, 10-28-2003 - 12:39pm
I can't relate with you on the end of the divorce issue, but I can tell you that if H and I were to divorce, I would want to try to stay friends for our daughter. I know that part of me loved him when we first started dating, but I know that I don't. I even married him knowing this. Good Luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Tue, 10-28-2003 - 1:22pm
Staying friends with your soon-to-be EX is the best thing you can do for your son. Look at the long-term -- he will always be in your life because you do have a son together. Preserve what's good about your relationship. Your son will thank you when he's grown...
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Tue, 10-28-2003 - 10:21pm

Hi secret,


and why shouldn't you want to stay friends... you shared a life together and you have a son together.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 11:26am
hey secret -- yes it can work out if the M ends amicably. you can be "friendly" with your xH for the child's sake, but it takes work and patience. it is worth it though.

however, if your M ends with lots of anger like mine did, your xH will not be open to being anything with you -- not friendly, not understanding, not a partner in raising your child. nothing. it will be a battle every day for the rest of your life. i raised three children with my xH who tried to undercut me, not communicate with me, talking badly about me in front of the children, pitting his 2nd W and i against each other, all because i left him and he was angry. and my xH met his 2nd W the day after we separated and he married her as soon as the D was final, but he was still a mean, stupid man for the last 16 years! he couldn't be bothered with me when we were married, but when i finally had the resources to leave, my xH turned ugly and still is.

try to end your M on a decent, civil level so that the two of you can communicate for the good of your child.

good luck,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 11:38am
{{{HUGS}}} Secretpal

I haven't read the other responses, so I may be repeating. I have sporadic access that kicks me out on a whim, so I wanted to post this while I could.

I know what you're going through is hard. But if it's truly what you need to do for you, stay strong in that knowledge. I left H a month ago. I have completely shattered his world. I knew that would happen and I've stayed years beyond when I should have left for that very reason. But, as I'm coming to appreciate, time does heal. My wounds are healing...the separation is healing. I'm doing great. But I can't let myself forget that there have been months and months - years! - when I've been unhappy and unsatisfied. DOzens and dozens of nights spent crying. I've been through that and now I'm healing. H is just now starting that process, so it's tempting for me to kick myself and say, see what I've done, I'm a horrible person. Yet, I'm not. He'll heal, too, in time, just like I did. So will you and so will your H. *DO* try to stay friends through it. That's THE MOST important thing for your son. And it will make the rest of your life easier, too, if you don't waste energy on rancor and bitterness.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 3:59pm
Luckyme - I could have written your post. I haven't been posting for a while, my life has been too hectic, but I've been lurking a little.

I left my H about 3 months ago. I completely destroyed him and our friendship by doing so. He found out about my OM, I confessed everything, and left the same day. The first couple of weeks were hell, but now things are better than I ever thought they could be.

OM and I are together (I guess I should call him BF now!), and my H is seeing someone else. Our divorce will be final in a few months. He is still pretty bitter, understandably, but we at least can talk without ending up screaming or crying. The only thing I regret about this whole mess is the loss of his friendship. He was my best friend for 11 years. I'm hoping we can get back to being friends, but if not, that's okay. Part of me will probably miss him forever, but its a sacrifice I knew I'd have to make if I left. It was worth it for me.

Secretpal - I hope you and your H can remain friends. It is SO much easier if you can, for everyone involved, especially your son. My H and I didn't have any children, so that's one area where I had it easy. Or, easier, I guess.

Anyway, just wanted to throw my two cents in. Hang in there - the people here are great for support! Keep us posted!

Pheebs:)