I came here a few months ago for advice,

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
I came here a few months ago for advice,
5
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 10:35am
And I got wonderful support from you all! THANK YOU! but then I checked out for a while. Dh was getting wise to what was going on, so I wanted to cool everything I did and said online. Well, now I don't have to worry about that any more because hes now my ex dh and no longer even lives in the same state as me. I didn't get rid of him for mm though, I got rid of him for my own personal sanity. It was a LONG LONG time a coming. He hasn't worked in ages, wasn't doing anything around the house but making MORE mess for me to clean up and wasting money on needless expenses that WERE NOT necessary at all! Not to mention the stress on the kids from as irritated as I would get at the additional stress in my life!

Ok, now heres the situation. MM and I are seeing each other more. We have spent several afternoons at my home (kids in school) since ex left and its been great! Hes been coming over in the evenings and doing things with me as well (repairs and the like,on my home) and my boys know hes a friend of mine so they are comfortable allowing him around the house. (they like him actually... one of my teens hangs out with him alot too) Him and his wife do NOTHING together. They sleep in the same bed, but thats it any more. (She herself has told me that she hasn't had interest in sex with him for a long time, he nauseates her most of the time - menopause- so their sex life has been pretty non existant for over a year now and getting worse all the time) He tells me that he misses me and wishes he could be with me every night, yet, he won't take the steps to end his relationship with her. He says after 30 years together, he owes her more than that. I keep thinking, WHY??? you two barely talk, you never do anything together. Most nights hes at his computer talking to me for hours on end or on the phone with me and shes on her computer playing solitaire and watching television. It just seems so unfair that he can't take those steps. They have one child still at home, for another year, otherwise, their children are adults, who I know could handle them splitting up. (they have mentioned that mom and dad should have been divorced years ago for the way they treat each other!) So, anyhow, we discuss it all the time, how much he misses me, all the time he spends with me away from her (excessive at times but justifiable)and he even tells me he dreams about me all the time and how life could be so different if we were together. We even have several overnight trips planned together in the next few months too. I just don't get how he can want to continue his marriage this way. Any advice? I am trying to be patient and supportive of him, but its hard. And when I try to date anyone, he becomes moody and says that guy or this guy isn't right for me. If hes the only one good enough for me, then HE needs to do whats best for me, doesn't he? I am just about at my wits end with this insane relationship. I know its stupid, but I do love him dearly. Hes my best friend as well, so its all hard.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Tammi

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 1:27pm
hey, tammi - welcome back to the board! and i'm very happy to hear you are ending the marriage, especially if stbxH isn't working or contributing to the marriage and household! it's about time, girl!

so listen, just because you took the steps to end your M and are separated, soon to be divorced, doesn't mean that your MM will (or has to) take those steps to end his M. even if he's unhappy and has no sex or communication with his W, that is where is life is, and it's HIS choice when and IF to leave. you said you didn't end your M for your MM, but it sure sounds like it. now you want to move forward with your life and MM is hanging back and you're getting pissed! you want progress, right! well, tammi, if you want to move forward, you're going to have to make demands and tell MM what YOU WANT AND NEED. if he can't or won't step up and give you an answer and/or timeframe that you can live with, you have to move on.

it's totally unfair for you not to date other men when MM is living with his W! it's a simple as that. why put your life on hold for no reason. didn't you do that before, with your H? now you are in control and do anything, be with anyone you want to. MM cannot get "moody" and restrict your dating life.

keep your self-respect and for once, do what's right for YOU!

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 3:12pm
HI Tam

Just a thought for you, It could be that you are helping him stay in the M by being there for him being his ray of sunshine.

Ending M is hard as you know from experience, after 30 years of loyalty it is going to be that much harder.

As to advice DATE, don't let him stop you unless he committes to a D and can show you the paperwork, it is your life do what is good for you.

GOOD LUCK

FREE

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 5:25pm
Not sure if it helps, but you sound like you have written MY story. Honestly. My MM and his wife spend a little more time together then your MM and his wife but that's about it. i also just am going through divorce (not final yet) and not FOR MM but because mine also didn't work (if only that was it, but there were soooooo many more problems, but yeah, that one IS a biggie!!!). My MM can't decide to stay or go and sometimes i look at it and think there's no WAY and sometimes i look at it and think no one can live like that forever. As a matter of fact, we had blow out last night of sorts. Not sure how it's going to end. But i love that man. i am not dating either, but i am going to have to reconsider when the div. is final, if i can. it kinda sounds like an impossible feat right now.

anyway, no lectures from me, just know you are not alone.

Hugs,

jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 7:31am
The tough part with posting, you can't get in all the nuances that are some times necessary.... my ex was actually just my livin boyfriend of 15 years with whom I share two children. So, no divorce is actually necessary. And if it comes down to it, I will probably end up paying HIM child support because he has had zero NONE ZILCH income for the past three years. (We each have custody of one of our kids... he has dd I have ds) I own my own home too.

Hope that helps a little more

Tam

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 9:32am
tammi -- good morning. yes that does clear it up a bit. and no you shouldn't have to pay xBF child support unless he is incapable of working and has both children. i, of course, have no idea what state you are in, but i do know that he will have to go back to work and if the new job is not equal to the jobs he had in the past, the judge or master will take that into consideration. for example, if he was an executive before making $50K, and is now a waiter making $20K, there should be a formula in place to decide what he "should" be making annually. and since you both have a child, child support would be divided.

but the only advice i have is to do whatever it takes to make yourself happy and take care of your children. other than that, xBF should take care of himself and the children too!

MM on the other hand is not sure what to do and you have to decide if you want to give him more time or move on. after all, it's your life!

gurl