I can't believe I'm in this again - Long
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I can't believe I'm in this again - Long
| Mon, 01-26-2004 - 10:19pm |
I'm sorry this is so long, but I have no where else to go or could tell and I'm such an idiot. I've been married going on 12 years now, and I am once again cheating. I don't know what's wrong with me! About 5 years ago, this started by accident (doesn't it always). Actually, the first time I was accused, I had really done anything, but then it just spiraled, then I was looking. My husband was a jerk and abusive, but everybody else's best friend. No one would've ever believed he did anything wrong. It was just one after another, but not anybody that I really cared about or actually "dated". Mostly online stuff, met one guy in person and really hit it off. Got caught everytime. Last year we seperated and I thought I got it out of my system. Until now. First it just sort of started as flirting and the really horrible thing is, he owns a company that is one of my newest clients (I handle group insurance benefits). He was very hard-nosed with a new associate so the next trip out there, I went with my associate. He asked some really tough questions and I just breezed through them - that's my job. That gained his immediate respect, but then as the meeting went on, we realized there was a lot in common. The next visit was to present & enroll the employees and things were getting a little heated. Chemistry boil over. Well, he was supposed to go on a business trip the next day, but when I came back, he had cancelled to be there. The following week, he was gone out of state for business and he called at least 2x a day. Over the weekend, same thing. Today, same thing. He's married too, and very unhappy. He keeps trying to get me to come with him on a trip and the timings been off. We've fooled around, nothing that I don't think I couldn't get out of, but I don't want to. And this time it is different. I mean I have no illusions that he'll leave her for me, nor could I leave my husband. Things have actually been pretty good for some time. But today, I just wanted to hear him so bad tell me that he wants me, I called him knowing he would be at home with her. (cell phone) He went in the garage to "fix something" and talk. He called me again a little later knowing mine was at work. He was so irritated that when he's tried to call for the last 2 days, he usually gets my v.mail. I had no idea he had tried me so many times. I don't have great pickup where I live so my cell phone won't ring. I've never craved wanting someone before and I am so afraid to fall for this guy. I keep telling him, "You can't fall for me okay?", but I'm talking to myself mostly. He keeps telling me it's too late, and says all the right things. I know this will end, and will end badly, but something makes him different, and I can't help but feel like a fool. I've even asked him if he already has someone waiting in all these places he wants to take me. He just said "no one else waiting". Doesn't get upset, but just patient-like. The position I'm in with work, I have never been so unprofessional in all my life. We both have "excused" ourselves from it, he lets his HR Admin. handle everything & I have her working directly with my associate. I just review his work, but I'm letting him handle it. Just somebody please tell me that sometimes there is one that's different. He's different to me. He at least pretends to care about me.
