I cant stop crying - bad thoughts....
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| Thu, 08-28-2003 - 4:44pm |
He was the "SG" with the roomate/supposedly ex-relationship situation. I turned around last weekend when I was supposed to be driving out for a weekend with him. I thought I might have been chasing after something that wasnt there... and then spoke with the SG on the phone last week Thursday night and he calmed my fears by saying he really did want to see me and would I PLEASE come ... he answered all my ? about "Us" well enough to calm me down... but I didnt go out there.
Then on Monday night we are chatting online and he tells me he misses me and wants me to come out to see him ( 6 hrs away).. I said OK and quickly made excuses to the H and plans for the trip... He offered to let me stay at his place since the "roomate" was away for the week and said he would take half a day off on Wednesday.
When I arrived Tuesday night it was wonderful.. we missed each other - so it seemed and things went well... I had asked him before agreeing to stay at the roomate/"ex girlfriend"'s house if he had his own room - yes said YES - which was the right answer to the wrong question.
Cutting to the chase .. all went well until bedtime. He turned off the lights and lead me down the hallway to what I suspected was his room.. we had peel the wallpaper off the wall sex and he was very loving and it was wonderful. I was ready to pack my stuff and move to his side of the state.. I had made the decision in my mind that he was want I wanted. In the wee hours of the morning, I got up to use the bathroom ( in the hall)..when my eyes got accustomed to the dark and I went back into the bedroom - noticed the sheets seemed to have a floral pattern and the pillow cases had ruffles on them. Then I saw the room also had a bathroom - so this was the Master Bedroom - and I knew then we were in the roomate/ex's BR. I didn't sleep much and after he left for work I jumped out of bed and raced through the house. I found "his" room across the hall - queen sized bed .. his clothing etc. I snooped in the drawers and found "her stuff" in the drawers, perfumes on the tops of furniture etc.. and in the master bedroom was also HER stuff ..., with his mail on the table on the side of the bed... his CDs in the cd holder alongside the bed... and his toothbrush in the master bath... I knew then that she was NOT the "ex"....
I asked him about the relationship the next night... when he got home from work ( he didnt take half a day off like he said he would) we didnt go out to dinner - since it is a small town and I am sure he didnt want to be seen with the OW... he said their relationship was "fuctional" - there were no common interests... there was no love.. and she was aware it was just working for the two of them - she gets the appearance of a boyfriend and he gets cheap rent...
This blew me out of the water.. this was so unlike the man I feel in love with 2 years ago. Basically he alluded to how his relationship with hers was lacking what "we had"...
I was devestated - but I guess in shock since I didnt say anything until we went to bed. Then I told him I would not be making anymore trips out to see him. He seemed shocked and asked why. I explained there was no point. That he was willing to settle for the relationship he had and that frankly he made me feel like a F**K Buddy - he assured me I was not - but that I had so many encumbrances that he had major reservations about "US" being together. I tried to tell him how I felt about him, and that I had thought he was the most perfect and most "right" man for me ... and that I had made my decision to move to be near him if not live with him... well.. we talked for about 2 hours and I cried... but really he offered nothing in the way of a solution - and made it clear he was not changing his living arrangements.
Through all this.. I loved him and do love him still... I told him time has a way of passing so quickly when we "settle" for what we have becuz it is comfortable - and when we find the "right one" sometimes it is worth the risk to give it a shot ( As I had just convinced myself this past weekend.)He held me in his arms.. and I said with freaking tears streaming down my face that I just hoped someday he would find someone who would make him happpy. ( And yes I meant that.. ) and he kissed my shoulder and said " you do a pretty good job of that..." which I couldnt question since I was bawling like a baby.
I guess maybe he feels turn around is fair play now.. since he harped on me to get a D 2 years ago.. and even though at the time I was legally seperated and living as a single woman he had a difficult time with it... and now here we were 2 years passed and the roles were reversed....
When he left for work, I got up and left for my 6 hr drive home - I stopped 4 times within the first hour to puke on the side of the road. I feel like my life has been such a mess...and when I finally saw a light at the end of the tunnel - it was a train running over me. I haven't stopped crying since 8 AM this morning - and slept fitfully last night, waking long enough to watch him sleep and cry and cry.
I returned home and immediately threw up again - even though I have eaten nothing... I dont have any way to harm myself -- but I truly wish I were dead... because inside I am - I can't stop crying even though I feel numb...
I am such a fool...such a big big fool...
Chloe

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Im sorry your going though all this ... thats awfull ... but listen NO man is worth taking your life away. Just let him go - I know its easier said then done.
I know you said you have been with him two years or at least known him for two years and he kept this from you...thats not cool. You said you were married I dont know if you have any kids but im sure you have a husband who cares for you..becuase if he did not you would not have made an excuse for going to see the SG. PLEASE dont do anything drastic.
You probably think I dont know how you feel but before about a year and a half ago I was seeing a MM for 10yrs...I totally trusted him and we talked about the future and everything I was very young back then a teenager when I met him. TEN YEARS of someone I dreamed of being with one day MR RIGHT. We talked about kids and all...that same day we discussed having kids I knew I was pregnant or at least suspected it. But when the topic came up I just enjoyed the moment and did not say a word. Later that night we went dancing and of course he bought me drinks not having any ideas...I drank here and there...thinking ok maybe im not so relax and then tell him. Well ended up being I got really messed up and I confessed to him I thought I was. This was not MR. RIGHT anymore I remember very little of that night I do remember punching him he called me a hoe and everything else in the book. I told my g/f I cant drive take me home he said he would and told my friend to leave...that night...I got in a wreck...bad one. They confirmed I was pregnant baby was safe. I called to let him know the news stupid me...he said he could care less and was a total jerk about it...I said fine my problem...I was depressed and was in and out of the hospital due to my wreck xrays and everything...a few weeks later I lost my baby. Now that was bad I wanted to kill myself everything was ruined I lost my baby and my bestfriend/lover....it was hard.
I got over it slowly but surely never thought I would meet mr. right and I think I have now...but of course feet on the ground always.
SO I KNOW THINGS ARE BAD RIGHT NOW...but whats goes down comes up...it will clear up and then you will laugh about it...
I know I am probably not much of help..but I hope its a little something...
HUGS _ Sandy
Cry, scream, throw something, but don't do anything to yourself please...
((BIG HUGS))
For all the pain, the deception on his side.. and really the rejection from the SG/OM.. you would think I would hate him .. as my sister said - "now you know where you stand, so close the door - and bolt it" But...if I could "will" it to work out I would.. if crying would make him want me I'd cry an ocean. It is all so absurd...truly...if only I had acting on my emotions the first time around 2 years ago, I would probably be with him today. He wanted me then ... but now, he is willing to settle for a woman who lives to rush home from work to watch soap operas, who's idea of a fun night is to watch Entertainment Tonight, who would win no beauty pagent or personality prize ( yes, I have met here), they have nothing in common, which according to 'HIM' is a major issue between them...but the bottom line is he choses to stay with this woman, with whom he has no legal agreement ( as in marriage) when I have all but jumped up and down in front of him and said - Me, Me.. I'm ready now.. Take me!!
I am sure I am rambling on and on... i just wonder where is the justice in love? I guess there is none. I know he didnt hear me, but last night as he slept.. I whispered that I loved him... and yes, I know... what a stupid girl... I still do.
Chloe - the stupid girl - old enough to know better...
I guess you did not act on your emotions before because it did not feel right for you. If he wants to hold a grudge on you for that, I don't think he truly respects you. Or he might be an emotional fool who will cut his own nose to spite himself. He chooses to live with his GF, bcoz it suits him to the boot, and if their incompatibilty is a issue, why drag you into it?? Honey, even if you jumped up and down to please him, he would not take you, because he like to be where he is R wise. Its not about you, its about him, IMHO.
Edited 8/29/2003 12:27:37 AM ET by i_another_lurker
"I feel like my life has been such a mess...and when I finally saw a light at the end of the tunnel - it was a train running over me."
Is your *life* really a mess, or is it just the relationship with H? I would think there are other areas of your life that are fine, even good!
Honey, the light at the end of the tunnel comes from within *you*...it's not H and it's not even OM. If you have children, it isn't them, it's not friends, family etc...we make our own happiness. Sort through your baggage (relationship with H?) and throw what you don't need off the train...accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative. You'll find once you do that, *you* will be in control of the train and will always have that light ahead of you (life is not perfect, you'll never reach the "light at the end" - but know you have the power to keep it in sight).
It sounds like OM has his own baggage to sort through, too. And, it sounds like he thinks you have your own baggage (reservations about the "us" because you have encumberances). Maybe once you're in control of your own train, you won't be so worried if OM is in control of his. As you said, life passes by so fast, and with it lots of changes in the interim for you (if you are experiencing, growing, living). Or, maybe once you are in control, you'll want to see how your relationship then will work with OM.
Remember, life is not hard, just some of the circumstances. And, it's within your control to make decisions and changes - you do have the strength!
(Actually, I don't like the term "baggage" - but it does make a good analogy, lol).
Please make sure to take care of yourself - you'll feel a bit better just by eating and sleeping.
Hugs,
Meow
What chloe meant by "light at the end of the tunnel" is a HOPE that her relationship with OM will progress to something more from an EMA, maybe? I don't think its got to do anything to do with her being dependent on the OM or the EMA to bring happiness. We all are human beings and HOPE and TRUST plays a lot into our well being. What wrong in holding on to hope that something might come out of the relationship? She did not change her life to suit his wishes (like agree to a D when the OM pestered her) or anything like that. She had a fairly independent life with her own cottage and her life, if I remember from her previous posts.
I know you are wise and feel that you should look inwardly in anything fails. I agree with that, but sometimes its isn't always one person's fault, like Chloe seems think from her posts. I don't think its her fault at all. She was cautious when it came to D with H, because you cannot throw away what you had with a person for so many and "run off" into the sunset with OM. Her OM seems to have her believe that, it was somehow all her fault.
Thanks for pointing that out - I did NOT mean to sound as though Chloe, or even her SG was at fault. I'm not into placing blame on anyone person - it takes two to tango - it takes two to work things through and maintain. I took Chloe's analogy of a light at the end of the tunnel as a goal. Chloe, what *did* you mean, lol?
Of course a person has to have hope - that's why I mentioned later that maybe she'll want to revisit her relationship with SG after she feels better, instead of just giving up on him. If she is still hoping to have a relationship besides an EMA with SG - then I do think she should go for it - just as she should if she wants to stay M (I know she doesn't).
I just don't like to see someone so wrapped up in someone else that they feel "dead". I want her to be comfortable in herself and love herself and feel life is worth living, no matter what anyone else thinks or does. And, I understand how she feels - I'm struggling with feeling rejected by MM myself. Not good for the self-worth to allow myself to feel so low - after all, he is just a man, lol.
Chloe, sorry to talk about you as if you aren't here. You are not a fool - you have and are making decisions you feel are right for you at the time.
And Lurker, I am no more wise than you, probably less so, lol. Otherwise, I wouldn't feel like a mess myself over MM right now.
;-)
Meow
Sorry I came off as harshly to you. I don't think Chloe is going to do the things she says, I can tell she is a strong woman. She is just distraught right now.
The reason somebody comes off as wrapped up in someone else is just a matter of perception or how somebody looks at the situation. Cultural and familial differences sometimes contribute to this perception. I am saying this because I am an Asian. A lot of my American friends mistake my lack of agression as weekness. In fact, I am capable of taking a lot of crap under my stride than they are - I know some would crumble under the pressure I have been through this year. It has been a horrendous year for me and still I have managed to take care of myself and keep a positive attitude. I still can laugh and joke and keep things in perspective. If you feel bad think of me Moew, and you will feel better, you could not have been to the depths of despair that I have been through. This is how I cope - that there is somebody else in the world who is right now in a worse off situation than me. Also remember,what you perceive are not always what they seem.
Lurker
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