I cant stop crying - bad thoughts....
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| Thu, 08-28-2003 - 4:44pm |
He was the "SG" with the roomate/supposedly ex-relationship situation. I turned around last weekend when I was supposed to be driving out for a weekend with him. I thought I might have been chasing after something that wasnt there... and then spoke with the SG on the phone last week Thursday night and he calmed my fears by saying he really did want to see me and would I PLEASE come ... he answered all my ? about "Us" well enough to calm me down... but I didnt go out there.
Then on Monday night we are chatting online and he tells me he misses me and wants me to come out to see him ( 6 hrs away).. I said OK and quickly made excuses to the H and plans for the trip... He offered to let me stay at his place since the "roomate" was away for the week and said he would take half a day off on Wednesday.
When I arrived Tuesday night it was wonderful.. we missed each other - so it seemed and things went well... I had asked him before agreeing to stay at the roomate/"ex girlfriend"'s house if he had his own room - yes said YES - which was the right answer to the wrong question.
Cutting to the chase .. all went well until bedtime. He turned off the lights and lead me down the hallway to what I suspected was his room.. we had peel the wallpaper off the wall sex and he was very loving and it was wonderful. I was ready to pack my stuff and move to his side of the state.. I had made the decision in my mind that he was want I wanted. In the wee hours of the morning, I got up to use the bathroom ( in the hall)..when my eyes got accustomed to the dark and I went back into the bedroom - noticed the sheets seemed to have a floral pattern and the pillow cases had ruffles on them. Then I saw the room also had a bathroom - so this was the Master Bedroom - and I knew then we were in the roomate/ex's BR. I didn't sleep much and after he left for work I jumped out of bed and raced through the house. I found "his" room across the hall - queen sized bed .. his clothing etc. I snooped in the drawers and found "her stuff" in the drawers, perfumes on the tops of furniture etc.. and in the master bedroom was also HER stuff ..., with his mail on the table on the side of the bed... his CDs in the cd holder alongside the bed... and his toothbrush in the master bath... I knew then that she was NOT the "ex"....
I asked him about the relationship the next night... when he got home from work ( he didnt take half a day off like he said he would) we didnt go out to dinner - since it is a small town and I am sure he didnt want to be seen with the OW... he said their relationship was "fuctional" - there were no common interests... there was no love.. and she was aware it was just working for the two of them - she gets the appearance of a boyfriend and he gets cheap rent...
This blew me out of the water.. this was so unlike the man I feel in love with 2 years ago. Basically he alluded to how his relationship with hers was lacking what "we had"...
I was devestated - but I guess in shock since I didnt say anything until we went to bed. Then I told him I would not be making anymore trips out to see him. He seemed shocked and asked why. I explained there was no point. That he was willing to settle for the relationship he had and that frankly he made me feel like a F**K Buddy - he assured me I was not - but that I had so many encumbrances that he had major reservations about "US" being together. I tried to tell him how I felt about him, and that I had thought he was the most perfect and most "right" man for me ... and that I had made my decision to move to be near him if not live with him... well.. we talked for about 2 hours and I cried... but really he offered nothing in the way of a solution - and made it clear he was not changing his living arrangements.
Through all this.. I loved him and do love him still... I told him time has a way of passing so quickly when we "settle" for what we have becuz it is comfortable - and when we find the "right one" sometimes it is worth the risk to give it a shot ( As I had just convinced myself this past weekend.)He held me in his arms.. and I said with freaking tears streaming down my face that I just hoped someday he would find someone who would make him happpy. ( And yes I meant that.. ) and he kissed my shoulder and said " you do a pretty good job of that..." which I couldnt question since I was bawling like a baby.
I guess maybe he feels turn around is fair play now.. since he harped on me to get a D 2 years ago.. and even though at the time I was legally seperated and living as a single woman he had a difficult time with it... and now here we were 2 years passed and the roles were reversed....
When he left for work, I got up and left for my 6 hr drive home - I stopped 4 times within the first hour to puke on the side of the road. I feel like my life has been such a mess...and when I finally saw a light at the end of the tunnel - it was a train running over me. I haven't stopped crying since 8 AM this morning - and slept fitfully last night, waking long enough to watch him sleep and cry and cry.
I returned home and immediately threw up again - even though I have eaten nothing... I dont have any way to harm myself -- but I truly wish I were dead... because inside I am - I can't stop crying even though I feel numb...
I am such a fool...such a big big fool...
Chloe

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I know exactly where you are at, I felt that two years ago when I walked away from my SG, but you know what? No body is worth harming yourself over, and when it comes down to it, in time you will work through these feelings. Please don't hurt yourself, remember what you are contemplating is a permanent thing for a temporary problem. You are worth so much more than that!! If you need someone to talk to, you can email me at ittybrat@excite.com.
Biggest Hugs!!
itty
I have to say that in light of your post(s) you DID bring a smile to my tear streaked face!
It made me feel a little less alone in the world this morning to read your posts.
To answer some of the questions... the "light at the end of the tunnel" was the hope of the EMA progressing to a normal R with the not-so-SG. Really I thought I saw some happiness out there.. and I felt so totally OK with my decision - no regrets about a D, no second thoughts - I was SURE!
When I left 'thier' house yesterday, I did write a little note to him and basically told him I wished him Happiness ( well .. I wish for him a horde of lice to invade his...well never mind... you get the picture) and in the letter I also spelled it out as best I could that I truly love him ( and I still do). I thought possibly I would hear from him as he was online at work today - but I didn't. So, there are some really mixed emotions there - anger, hurt, frustration.
I dont think I would harm myself... but Meow, there is a part of me that will never be the same. That part is the dead part - it is the part that thought I was a better judge of character and the part of me that saw happiness in the memories of the EMA. I dont know if I can ever trust anyone again... this is not the first relationship that has gone this way - before I was married I was hurt over and over. Maybe I just see things that aren't there.
Yea, I guess he was using me. Plain and simple. He said we had a "unique relationship" I guess that meant one in which he takes and doesn't give. Well... call me selfish but I want to take some back. I think he owes me an more decent explanation. The simply stupid and sad part, is that if he called right now and said to come back... I would - now isn't that the dumbest thing???
Chloe
I so agree with you - we all have different tolerance levels. Maybe that is a small part of why some women can stay in an abusive relationship. I also agree that there is *always* someone in a worse situation - I too try to remember that. And, too, that things are not always what we *perceive* them to be - we tend to look at things from our own experiences (as I was with Chloe), or with what's in our mind.
I do hope you and H will find a lifetime of happiness, together!
Thanks, Lurker - glad you are staying on board.
Meow
I'm sorry I was reading wrong between the lines. I was looking at it from my own viewpoint.
I understand when you say you thought you were a better judge of character, and that you feel you won't trust again. I'm struggling with that myself right now with MM - this feeling if MM is seeing someone else ...is it me and my insecurities, or is it intuition. And if he is, or even if he isn't, how am I going to know to trust? (stbxH had multiple A's throughout M).
If it were someone else, I'd say we are taking on their problems by allowing ourselves to feel we won't trust again. You have to have trust in yourself that you are a good judge of character. In the past haven't you done the same in being a judge of character with other people in your life - some have turned out to be good friends, and some not so good? Look at the bigger picture of all your relationships, not just the romantic relationship. Well, lol, I feel better writing that.
And, if you (or me) was to go back, it would only be a temporary happiness because the problem wouldn't be resolved for you (or me). But, if you do find yourself going back to him, don't kick yourself for it! You'll know when your tolerance level has been reached.
My disclaimer - JMHO, based on my own experiences.
Peace and happiness,
Meow
So, adios my friend, hope you find happiness and balance that I am trying to find in my life. I wish you well in your R, present with MM and in the future whatever that brings.
Good luck and best wishes!
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