I can't think!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
I can't think!
16
Sat, 05-03-2014 - 10:31pm

Hi everyone,

So, my AP of the last seven years has been (way) out of town working. He has been going back and forth, with the average length of time away being between 4-6 weeks. It's been tough, but it has been brilliant at keeping things "fresh" Smile

Anyway, as he was surfing the web one day he came across a piece of property that caught his eye. Well, didn't he call me up and tell me that he thought it could be a very good investment...basically coming out and telling me (I think) that one day soon, we would live there together. Said that it wasn't inconceivable that he wouldn't leave our home town, and that he quite enjoys the winters where he is working.

I am BEYOND gobsmacked. So gobsmacked in fact, that once he said that we would live there together one day....my brain shut down and I didn't hear another word he said! I do remember him saying that he thought about going on title with me, but that would NOT work at all if he wasn't divorced first. Which means that I would be the sole person on the hook for it.

He called up a realtor that he knows, and actually went on a couple of viewings...I am to go out there in a few weeks to go on some viewings with him, and then we would return home together.

This is something I have been dreaming about for years..and now that it could possibly be happening, I am SO confused. I never dreamed that he might leave his wife, and that we would be together. As a matter of fact, I always thought that once this relationship ended (which I assumed would eventually happen) I would end up going back to my home province and living with family.

I am happy, don't get me wrong. But I feel that I need to be cautious as well. If I were to do this, it would take a (I think) a large bite out of my available funds. What if I couldn't get a job? What if he doesn't really end up there with me?

So yes...very, very, confused..and also extremely happy Smile

I would appreciate any words of wisdom...

P.S. Sunny! So happy to see you back here..I hope that you're doing well

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Sat, 05-03-2014 - 10:35pm
Obviously this board still has some bugs...sorry about the multiple posts!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Sat, 05-03-2014 - 10:37pm
Obviously this board still has some bugs...sorry about the multiple posts!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Sat, 05-03-2014 - 10:37pm
Obviously this board still has some bugs...sorry about the multiple posts!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Sat, 05-03-2014 - 10:44pm

Mother of God...what a place. Sry again, I swear...I only hit the stupid button once!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 05-03-2014 - 11:59pm

Let me get this straight!  HE found a property that he likes.  HE thinks it's not inconceivable that he MIGHT want to move there, because he likes the winters there?  He says the two of you would live there ONE  day?  Oh, and he's talking about YOU buying this property......even though HE likes it and might want to live there ONE day?  He MIGHT go on the title with you?  How nice of him.....with YOUR money?  You never dreamed that he MIGHT leave his wife one day?  Did he say anything about leaving his wife?  And if he hasn't in seven years...........enough said on THAT subject.   Did he say anything about marrying you, or even LIVING with you?  Maybe it would be a good place for him to bunk when he's working THERE.....and the rest of the time you'll wait for him, just like you do now!  There are a lot of "mights" and "maybes" there!  He's going to spend YOUR money for you, when you don't even know what HIS plans are, for you or for himself?  It sounds like he just wants to get you away from where you are now......maybe his wife is giving him some heat....there's another "maybe" for you.  Having an affair is one thing, having expectations are another.  I think you need to tell him not to spend YOUR money......it's not his to spend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Sun, 05-04-2014 - 2:45am

You are right to be cautious, very cautious. The property would be in your name (making you the responsible party for some things) and the payment details are vague but I guess you would try to take out a joint loan and if he didn't pay his share you would have to pay or risk ruining your credit.

If moving to this new area and starting your life anew alone is something that you would want to do and can afford, then you could think about proceeding---and if you do, consult a lawyer so you are aware of any potential problems or pitfalls to the ownership plan. If you wouldn't do it alone then don't get caught up in this because its something that he wants. You have no assurances that he will ever end up there or be able to pay for it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sun, 05-04-2014 - 9:25pm

I absolutey agree with Fissatore. Honey, you're being played and quite well I might add.  7 years seriously? He's not leaving or he'd been gone a long time ago. Not to mention that nearly all relationships from A's never end in marriage or well.  If I were you I wouldn't be saying" Mother of God" over a glitch in posting. I'm not Catholic but I'd be praying I got my head on straight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2014
Mon, 05-05-2014 - 2:33pm

Benska, 

Wow, that is a lot to wrap your head around. I can see why you sort of zoned out on the conversation. If I were you, I would enjoy this little property seeing adventure and hear his ideas out. Perhaps he can purchase the property without his wives knowledge and you will not have to invest. 

Since your relationship has followed the same path for the last 7 years, I wouldn't go starry eyed over this. If he feels this is the correct move, this maybe the time in your relationship where you need definate answers . 

If you wrap a good portion of your income into this and something happens to him, could you stll support it alone?

I would want the divorce final before committing to a joint anything. 

Ask yourself this...after 7 years what has changed? Why now?

Maybe....can quickly turn into something else. A lot of us here are living proof.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Mon, 05-05-2014 - 11:04pm
Here's a suggestion...reread the board guidelines, then hightail it back to the Betrayed spouse board, k? You and Fissatore can talk about it over there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Mon, 05-05-2014 - 11:16pm

@ Fissatore

Ya...not going to say whether I appreciate your oh so jaded views. I will say however, that since you are such a fixture over on the Betrayed Spouse board...I know that you know what the board guidelines are. How very entitled you must feel to insert yourself over here.

REMINDER: Before you post

WED, 07-31-2013 - 11:35AM

This board is a support community for members who are involved in an affair. This board is not a place to post opinions about infidelity or to pass judgment on those who are in affairs, nor is it designed for individuals whose spouse has been (or is) unfaithful to ask questions.  We intend for this board to be a forum for adults to safely share their experiences and get support. Any posts that violate these guidelines will be removed, and can result in immediate banning from the site. 

Before you postplease consider your situation and the following boards which may be more appropriate for you and your situation.

If you would like to debate the effects of infidelity, please visit All Sides of an Affair debate board.

If you are a betrayed spouse, please visit Betrayed Spouses Support.

If you are in the process of ending your affair, please visit Ending an Affair Support (EAS). 

If you have ended your affair, please visit After Your Affair Support (AAS).

Above all, please remember that this is a public forum and problematic posts should be reported to the Community Team for review and possible removal to avoid disrupting the board.

Please keep in mind that any messages posted to our message boards should abide by iVillage's Terms of Service and Rules of Play.

If you have any questions or concerns, please email relationshipscm@mail.ivillage.com.

Thank you for your cooperation and for your participation in our forums.

Just a friendly reminder ;-)

Pages