I COMPLETELY LOST IT.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
I COMPLETELY LOST IT.....
2
Sat, 04-24-2004 - 4:16pm
Well, I have been lurking around the past few days, reading posts....fighting with the urge to post my latest...because I am totally embarrassed by what I did. I COMPLETELY LOST IT WITH MM.....TOLD HIM OFF. The thing is now I need to have everyone's input as to what his reactions from it means..... Please read I'll be as brief as possible.

As most of you know, I've been whinning because there has been NC with MM and I other than work for 9 weeks now. He has been "dealing with issues, that require personal attention and he needs time". Ok, I have given him time. Not even bringing up the relationship to him at all. Playing the "friend" and listening to his problems about work. Well, on Tuesday we IM'd each other non-stop all day. Same thing started on Wed. I had a spare hour at work on Wed and sent MM an IM telling him this and that I thought he was needed on the phone and could he come by for 2 quality minutes (RED --COAT CHECK). Anyway, he said....Easy there hoss....(yep he's a cowboy). No problem with this we kept IMing and then his Daughter came to my room collecting money for something and she made a comment about her mom being in Kansas but she was coming home today. I pried (YIKES) and asked how long she'd been gone...a couple of days....well what's you dad been doing....ooo riding and he's been gone too, practicing (I am assuming this was where I was supposed to go with him like I did last time, he had brought it up on Monday the week before about a "weekend" together)....anyway......... we didn't have the "weekend" together and not even a phone call. Then he obviously didn't call me either while W was gone. Which has always been in the past our opportunity to be together. I SEE RED. I was so furious...........Now here is where I want to say, in complete honesty....MM and I discussed on several occassions in the past about being honest with each other and when things didn't want to continue then we would each understand and do our best to remain friends. I told him when he said that he needed "time" we don't have to do this anymore you just have to say it, he looked me point blank in the eye and said that he did want to do it..........

Ok, so my fury came from the fact that he goes on and on about this amazing friendship we have and he lies to me to my face. I mean I have respected his feelings...need time, I gave it, understand what his family means (2 very small children) I understood that too....every issue I tried to be understanding........well that all evaporated in about 2.2 seconds Wed afternoon. I went nuts on the IM. I told him he lied, that wasn't friendship on any level, that he acted cowardly by not just coming out and saying in because then at least we could have salvaged some of the friendship...I am not without compassion...if the m an wants to do the right thing and work things out at home, I AM NOT GOING TO BE THE WOMAN TO STOP THAT. It would hurt, but I wouldn't be angry as long as he is up front about it. I said lots more stuff....afterward I feel 1000 lb load had been lifted, I was so angry. My H had lied to me for years about A's, everything.....MM knew this and he knew that I didn't like to be lied to. Anyway, he never said anything back on the IM. I asked if he was reading and finally he responded and said yes, that he was taking it all in and thinking.....that is all that was said on Wed. Thur. he had his class trip so I didn't see him until the end of the day and we didn't even speak to each other at all. Friday morning when I got to my class I waited for an hour or two then logged onto IM. After about 10 minutes he logged on and IMMEDIATELY IM'd me this ......

GRRRRRRRRR that was it. I asked him What? and he said "just checking on you" I told him I was there and I was fine...(I had told him on Wed. that I would be fine, now at least I knew it was over).....anyway...he just starts talking to me about stuff. Not about US, not one word about Wed. and what I said....NOTHING. Just started talking about how terrible the class trip was, about his job change.....one thing after another. This went on NON-STOP all day long. I wasn't very chatty as usually. My answers to what he was saying were pretty short. He began talking about going out of town next week for a rodeo and that it was the next thing he had going...altho I knew he was going to one Fri. night.....(obviously taking the family). I didn't even call him on it. I just said great hope you do good next week....blah blah......

So my question is...........why did he not even acknowledge anything I said???? I mean I called him on breezing in and breezing out of my room, (closet) and throwing bait out there about us seeing each other (when he obviously had NO intention of doing it) that he must be on a MAJOR ego trip that these are the boosts he gets, doing these things because he can................ I also asked him what he did while he was alone those couple of days....he hadn't even mentioned to me that she was going to be out of town...but I wanted him to know that I knew.........

I know all of this is jumbled and probably doesnt make much sense...but I'm at my wits end...........is he just an AVOIDER???? I mean he teased and joked and flirted like his old self and I was repulsed.........OMG that leaves me remembering the MAJOR insult I threw SEVERAL times at him..........I began my explosion with "I wanted to PUKE about 10 minutes ago" I told him that the thoughts of what we had done and how open I'd been with him about sexual stuff made me physically ill right now....because I trusted him. I trusted that he was being as honest with me as I was being with him (i kept mentioning the puking thing over and over)...............Ok now, me saying all that, why did he IM me first and try to make "nice" all day???????? Are BOTH OF US COMPLETELY CRAZY.............this is a man that on the last night we spent together told me how much he loved being with me, when I said we're "good" togther he corrected me and said no we are GREAT together................

My best friend says that he is just facing the reality of the situation. He is miserable at home, he comes out of town with me and we have these wonderful times together and then he has to go home to "reality" and every time this happens it gets harder and harder for him to do it.....(he told me "you make this hard for me")....My best friend has been in EMA for 15 years with the same MM and I figure she's been through just about everything....could she be right??? Could he be overwhelmed by these feelings he has for me and be turning from them because he knows he cannot leave her???? I know that as recently as a month ago, he admitted talking to his mom again about getting a divorce...she wants him to.....but with the kids and this ranch he has a lot in this relationship.............but don't we all????

OK, I KNOW I KNOW, ENOUGH ALREADY..........WHEW...THANKS FOR LETTING ME UNLOAD. YOU GUYS ARE GREAT. IF ANYONE ACTUALLY DOES MAKE IT THROUGH THIS POST WITHOUT PUKING....I'D APPRECIATE YOUR OPINION


KITTY

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sat, 04-24-2004 - 6:37pm
((((((Kitty))))))

I think it's time to come out of the closet! (As much as that kills me to say it, because we both know how much I wanted the "Coat Check" to become a reality!)

It is apparent that this man does have true feelings for you. I CAN see that! But, I think that your friend is right. He is overwhelmed by his feelings.

My xMM was the same way with his emotions - he tried, but just couldn't overcome the fact that as much as "We would be great together" - and as much as his M wasn't everything he wanted, he would never leave - and he said to me "I feel like I need to sh*t or get off the pot" - "I can't have it both ways"

I know that his father also had affairs (I'm not sure how many), but I assume that xMM saw what that did to his mother, and xMM was determined that he would not hurt his W in this way. His parents divorced when he was in his early 20's and his mother passed away shortly thereafter. That is a lot to deal with, especially when he now finds himself in a similar situation. His W's mother is currently dying of cancer, so I'm sure that it must almost be like a deja vu for him. Too much for him to handle.

I think you are doing the right thing by stepping back a bit. I have no idea why he is not responding to your IM from Wednesday, other than he just doesn't know what to say. As has been discussed on this board very recently, we woman seem to much more willing to divulge our every thought and feeling than the men are (except of course for the men who post on this board - they are a rare breed I'm afraid - the best!!!)

I still stand by my motto that "honesty is the best policy". The people we have relationships with - whether that relationship is legitimate or not - have to know how we feel about them, they have to take the good with the bad. If they are making us feel good, we should tell them, and if they are making us feel bad or confused, we should tell them that as well. How they handle it, is their problem.

You did say that you felt like a 1000 lb weight was lifted after you "lost it", and that is a good thing. You needed to tell him those things that were weighing you down, otherwise, they would have eaten at you bit by bit. I am the type of person that has to lay it on the line, otherwise I am forever hashing and rehashing the problem in my head. I start to forget important things because I am so consumed with what is bothering me. I can't sleep - waking up in the night numerous times - thinking, thinking, thinking. It's healthy to let it out - to tell someone how you are feeling.

Okay, I'm rambling now - probably tryiing to sort out my own feelings at the same time as tyring to offer you my opinion (I apologize for that!)

Anyway, hon, I would just continue in the way that you are (as hard as it is) and wait to see what he does. I know, I know - they always seem to have the upper hand, but what else can be done? Let him try to sort out his feelings, and if he comes back to you without temptation - then you will know that he is coming back because he wants/needs to.

I don't know if this makes any sense, but it's the best I can do right now.

I'm not giving up on the "coat check" by the way - just putting it on hold for the time being.

Take care and love always

Red

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Sun, 04-25-2004 - 9:49am
Red

First I want to thank you for being so honest with me. Then I want to say when I read what you said xMM said to you...."Either Sh*t or get off the pot....." My MM said this to me on many occassions.... the latest being since NC. He told me right after the all nighter, when I realized that he was putting this distance between us, that he knew I was frustrated and that he knew I wanted to tell him to "sh*t or get off the pot". I told him I just didn't think he knew what he wanted....he hesitated and then he said "yeah you're probably right." Since that time, there have been lots of phone calls, lots of "I miss you"'s. I think he does want me but is practical enough to see that there will be nothing but more hurt in the end, if we let it continue, cause he isn't leaving her. It's ironic tho, everyone of my friends that know them (they don't know about US) always say that right now he is her babysitter, she will eventually get sick of him and his ways (cowboy) and leave. She is independently wealthy, he is not. Their big nice ranch is on her parents land......that is why he tells me IF he leaves she will get the kids....1/2 of all his horses and he will end up with nothing financially. Right now she makes him miserable, but it is his survival. His traveling and rodeoing are expensive...... He told me that when I make that statement about it being "his survival" he knows that I completely understand his situation............sadly I do.

I guess what makes me so angry is the fact that we were such good friends for so long before A. I would tell him that was the most important part of us, even told him I didn't want to go to that next physical level because it would forever change our relationship.......it has.......I hate losing that more than anything else. Maybe Friday he was trying to convince me that it hasn't changed, that we can still talk about things, be friends and everything will be ok, but ..........It has changed for me. I feel numb. Because I feel I can't trust him like I did.......that honesty issue. I am like you Red, I always am honest with people...sometimes I think brutally so. I consider it a downfall at times. That is why I thought he would be honest with me. And in typing all of this maybe I'm just realizing he WAS honest to some extent. When I asked him "Can't you just look me in the face and say Hey I don't want to do this anymore" he looked me in the eyes (intensly) and said "NO, I can't" maybe that is my answer.........he can't say it, he does want to do.........now whether he DOES IT is another thing.........that ole WANTING and DOING.....hey I guess they really are two differnt things!!! LOL

Thank you so much for your insight. I know that now at least I can go to school without this heavy weight on me. He needed to be told those things. He needs to know that altho I do care, I refuse to be manipulated anymore because of those feelings. The bright side is we only have 4 more weeks of school. He will be gone some of those days, so I CAN survive til it's over. Then the summer is mine to lay in the pool and recuperate. Take care Red. I greatly value your responses.

One thought about what you xMM had in his life, with his father. Sadly that is the story with my H. His father always cheated on him Mom. Even to the point of bringing one of the women into their home for a while. It was sick. I mean the whole family knew and he acted like they were being generous to the woman and giving her a place to stay. The diference is my H's mom just looked the other way. She has no family other than her H, so she just accepted what he did. I couldn't do that when my H had A's. He cannot understand why I didn't react as his mom did. I have family, I can drive, I have a job....Ok hello???? What is it that you dont understand??? Anyway, my H is trying now to bend over backwards but it doesn't affect me the way it should. There has been too much water under the bridge and altho at first I would have forgiven him for anything, there were too many lies he told to cover his own A** that I found out about......you cannot lie when other people know what you've done. My mom always told me ....you lie, someone always knows and it will be found out. I guess I've lived by that.



Kitty