I confessed but can we move on?
Find a Conversation
I confessed but can we move on?
| Sun, 03-22-2009 - 2:06pm |
About 6 months ago I confessed to my wife about my Affair. My A was off and on for a little over a year and it was a LDR so we only got together about 5 times. Anyway enough of the background my problem is after I told my wife I cut all ties with the OW. Somehow my wife found her email and they began to email back and forth but not in a friendly way. Lets just say it got ugly and the OW decided to try to hurt my wife by sharing all the details of our times together. Now that causes major problems for me and the wife but the wife will not stop sending comments to her . When I try to ask her to stop, it gets thrown in my face that I am the one that brought her into our lives.

Johnson,
Have you and your wife thought of counseling... I would think that might really help to try and start the healing process for her and you.
Johnson,
I am sorry to hear that you are in the situation. The good news is you can rescue your marriage and even make it better than it was before. It takes hard work, sacrifice, time, and a huge measure of patience, but you’ve taken the most important step in confessing the affair and working on your marriage.
If you have truley gone NC with the AP, then I would have you to encourage your wife to do the same. The quicker, she is out of both of lives, the sooner the two of you can progess through the healing and recovery process. Ask your wife, what is her goal by contacting the other woman. Is it that she wanted details about the affair. Have you been open and honest about the affiar and agreed to answer your wife's questions. I am not saying this is the case with you but many times we just want to tell our spouse that it is over and just bury it.
However, our spouse's do have many questions. Would you want a person to show up to your house and tell you that a loved one was killed without any details? You ask them what happened and they say they have all of the info in this briefcase but it is not important because the bottom line is that the loved one has been killed. I am just going to go throw this briefcase away. Don't worry about it because it might hurt you. Wouldn't you want to know what happened?
Again, try to find out what your wife is looking for. If she is looking to tell the AP how bad of a person she is. Good luck with that one. The AP was selfish to begin with and never really considered your wife's feelings(at least not enough to influence her actions) so why would they start now. She is not going to get that from her. It sounds like it is a total waste of your wife's time and it just keeps the AP in your relationship. The quicker the two of you get past the AP. It really isn't about the AP, it is about the needs of each of you and what can each of you do to ensure the needs of the other is being met inside of marriage.
Edited 3/23/2009 8:47 am ET by hopefull1996
You have moved on but your W hasn't. She should be addressing her anger
at you and not OW. Yes, MC would be advised. OW has not moved either.
Yes, it is your behavior that has disrupted the lives of both women. Until
they both feel a sense of closure, neither will move on. This is the damage that
an A will cause. If your W
Hi Johnson,
Your wife is trying to find a way to deal with her anger and in the process is alienating you. I wish I had the right words for you. I was punished for my affair (which I did not confess to but was discovered) for two years. My xH could not let it go. To this day if we are at a function together, I hear about it.
The Life After Betrayal board here on IVillage has a folder called Both Sides of the Affair. I know, personally, some of the posters there. I wholeheartedly recommend that you take your question over there. You will bet input from not only wayward spouses but from betrayed spouses as well (this might help you relate to your W and her feelings some). Here is the link. Remember to post in the Both Sides folder.
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlhealingaft
I wish you the best, I know that this is a very difficult situation to be in. And while you feel like you aren't allowed to hurt, you likely do.