I created this..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2014
I created this..
Sat, 03-01-2014 - 7:41pm

Hi, newly registered, but been a lurker for a while. I have been separated from my H for 3 years, been in A with a MM for almost 3 yrs.  Knowing he will never leave his W, I started to deeply fall in love with him.  He also says and shows he loves me and he is in love with me (ya i know!).

In the beginning I was very consumed by him.  He was all I could think of.  So deeply in love and my world was revolved around him.  I was looking at him with “rose colored glasses”? I have 2 kids (joint custody) but when I did not have kids AP was all I could think of, dreaming about him. Summer of 2012, I found out AP was heavily lying to me about his age, where he lived, his R with his W, and where he vacationed with his family. Yet, he was able to convince me that he is head over heels for me.  We work together and we spent every available time that I had together.  Kids free after work hours, kids free weekends till 4am or so.

Knowing my A and AP's situation, I tried really hard to detach from him, pulled away a few times.  I was very unsuccessful. Then I met a single guy last winter, I really liked him.  I started seeing him on a regular basis, but I was not sure 100% about this new guy. He had lots of flaws, anger issues, drinking problems, you name it.  I stuck with him because he was available. I had to make all kinds of excuses with AP so I could be with my new available guy. I also tried to break up with AP several times, but he would not let go of me, I told him I wanted more from my AP than what he was giving me, then he said he was leaving his W.  I did not believe it at all, I still don’t.  He would wait days, weeks, to spend just 10 min with me after work. I used to feel bad, because I did not tell him I was seeing someone else.

2 months ago, I broke up with my new guy since it was a struggle to keep up with him, and his behavior.  I can’t avoid my AP since I work with him.  Every chance he gets he would tell me that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but not “just now”.  He also says “just give me some time”.  He never said that before, now since I have pulled away so much, he started to say those things.  Now we are kind of back together, and I started to want more and more of him. And I’m hating it that he is someone else’s man. I should put an end to this I know, but I am not… I am seeing a therapist on a regular basis. But I am not being able to do anything to completely detach from my AP as he is everything I want in my man, yet he is NOT available.




iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 03-02-2014 - 12:26am

You are wasting your life.  He is NOT everything you want in a man, because he's married to someone else.  When a man has an affair, it's not going to last very long if he tells her he loves his wife, he just likes some sex and affection on the side!  Of course he says he'll leave his wife!  SOMEDAY!  And, even if he does, you know he's a cheater, and if he cheats WITH you he'll cheat on you!  I've told this story on this board before, but I'll tell you now.  I worked with a woman who was about 30, never married, and was very beautiful and intelligent.  She met a married man, and started an affair with him.  He was kind, loving, generous, everything she wanted in a man.  He told her he loved her, and he would leave his wife for her, but not right now.  They had small children, and he didn't want to traumatize them.  Time went by, and he couldn't do it now because his children were graduating from high school.  Then they went off to college one by one, and then a daughter was getting married.  All this time, he took her on trips (he was a salesman, it cost him nothing to take her along), he bought her gifts, he took her out to dinner, and everyone told her she was crazy for putting up with him.  No one could convince her that it would never happen.  Then, his wife got very ill.......so he couldn't leave her right then of course.  After a year or two, his wife passed away.  Now they had to wait a respectable amount of time before they could publicly become a couple.  Maybe a year or two.  This woman is now 60 years old!  One day, he came to her, and he told her that he was going to get married to a woman he'd met in Chicago a few years before.  BUT, she wasn't to worry, he still loved HER and he would be with her just like before!  She finallly woke up and told him to go to hell.........after her whole life was wasted on him.

Don't say you can't leave him.  Yes you can.  Tell him it's over, and you're moving on.  Tell him when he gets a divorce to let you know.  In the meantime, sharpen your skills in picking men, and do NOT hide it from him........he does NOT own you.  You are wasting your life, just like my co-worker did.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 03-02-2014 - 1:01pm

Sometimes you just need to hit yourself on the head with reality--this guy WOULD be everything I would want in a man EXCEPT that he is married and is not available.  And really, if you think about the qualities that you would want in a man, would you really choose someone who is dishonest and that if you did get togehter with him you'd always have to wonder what he is doing every time he comes home late from work that he would be cheating on you?  It's already been 3 yrs. so I think if he wanted to take steps toward getting a divorce, he would have started it by now--how much more time are you willing to waste on a guy who is not making any steps toward the divorce?  And you say you have been separated for 3 yrs--why don't you work on getting a divorce so that if you meet some really great guy, you will be legally free to be with him?  I know that I wouldn't date someone who is only separated, and I"m sure many men would feel the same way too.

I have a friend who went through an affair too.  The guy never said that he'd get a divorce but my friend stupidly assumed that maybe when his last kid went to college, that would be the time.  Of course that time came & went.  Money was not an issue because the guy is very well off--he was paying for everything anyway.  The DW has some psych problems so he was worried that she might commit suicide.  So not only did they not get divorced, but the DW has more of a hold on him than ever and now she is even working in his office.  (My friend knows the DW too because both families were friends cause their kids went to school together.)  So my friend wasted years of her life when she could have been out looking for some nice guy to date and instead she just got a lot of hot air from this guy--it's not even the sex cause they weren't even together that often.  She really feels compatible with him and they just got along very well but he strung her along.  And he is miserable with his wife--they will fight in public so it's no secret to anyone--so it doesn't really make sense to stay with the DW he's unhappy with instead of getting a divorce and being with someone he really wants to be with, but it's better to just stay away from someone who is married.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2014
Thu, 03-06-2014 - 7:01pm
Welcome to the board Db1118! I've been mostly a lurker too and it feels good to read someone else's story, it makes you feel you are not alone. It's not easy to enter affair world, but here we are dealing with it. It seems like seeing a therapist is not helping you, I hope things get better for you...hang in there!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Thu, 03-13-2014 - 12:41am

Everything fissatore said is true. You're wasting your life with this man. If your A hasn't been found out, it will sooner or later and you will be the one who suffers the consequences.

You know this guy is a liar; you said he's lied even to you, not to mention his W. I find it interesting that you feel bad about cheating on him with the other guy, but don't seem to feel bad about cheating WITH him~you just say that you hate that he is someone else's guy.

If you need some motivation for ending this A, you might think of the effect it could have on your children, custody and divorce settlement.  (I'm assuming you are still married to him, you said you and your H were separated for 3 yrs, not divorced) If he finds out about your A, he could use it in court to #1 get full custody of the kids and #2 use it against you in regards to a divorce settlement. While states have a no fault position regarding divorce, depending on the state you live in, adultery can affect whether or not you receive alimony. If your H can prove that you committed adultery, you can lose right to alimony in some states.  My state is one of those states. Also, the harm all this can cause to your kids down the road can't be taken lightly.