do not tell your husband. unless you want to add more pain to your marriage, more damage, do not tell him. there is no reason for him to know. why hurt him needlessly
Why do you think telling your husband would cause massive destruction? You had an urge. You are human. What you need to do is protect your marriage. Why be around a person that you are obviously attracted to. Do you really think that your husband thinks that you aren't attracted to any other men in the world? Telling your husband would free you from having to act differently around this man and also it would give your husband the info to make the best decision for your family. Also, it seems there is something that you are looking for. There is some unmet need that your husband needs to know as well or else you may act on the next impulse and actually have an affair. This one was emotional. The next one could be physical. Many times, it is not even about the AP. It is about that need that the AP is meeting at that time. The need to be admired, to feel sexy, to feel attractive, to have conversation, honesty, companionship, etc, etc. We all have needs and when our most important are not being met, we are tempted by others that meet that need. Your marriage can be more intimate and closer than ever before if you give your husband the info about your deep, true feelings. That is why some are encouraging you to tell. Not telling just leaves your husband in the dark about what is going on with his wife. Nothing will change. Telling could be the best thing you ever did for your marriage to bring a new level of intimacy. Certainly better than having to confess a physical affair.
thanks for your response. I understand what you are saying. If only my H would understand. As I said in a previous post, I tested him. I told him that the other day OM had commented on my looks. He was very upset as to why I had not said anything before.
He is the only man I have ever been with, so he is very possessive. He would be ashamed that I could fall in love with someone like OM whom he considers to be of low integrity.
I just remembered, 1 yr ago, he was showing signs of jealousy towards OM and I asked my H straight out if he was jealous of OM.
I'm sorry you are in this situation. Again, I really feel you have to establish no contact with this man for life. I would talk to him and tell him just that. Let him know that you are married and that you love your husband and you are looking at building a stronger marriage. And that you can not talk to him for life. And that you asking him to respect that and do the same. That's really it. That's all I would say.
As far as your husband, get him alone, suggest dinner, a weekend getaway, something. Let him know that you want to spend time with him and share your feelings about your marriage, your internal feelings about yourself, your needs and how you feel you are fulfilling his needs. There are plenty of emotional need questionaires out there on marriage sites. You can have him complete to see what his most important needs are and how he thinks you are fulfilling those needs. You can do the same. This will give you a way of seeing what the two of you are good at and seeing the areas that need work. People seem to take that better than just hearing all the bad. After talking about the needs that are being filled, you can discuss your need for attention and talk about ways that need can be fulfilled. ie. phone calls from him during work, quick emails, flirty text messaging, spending alone time, dating again, etc. He can talk to you about his needs. Most men want more sex. If he is OK with that, he might have some other need. You can make a joint agreement that you will start to give him more of what he wants and he will do the same. You both will make that choice and the feelings of love will follow.
Lastly, I think you still have to let your husband know about your attraction and this man's attraction to you so that he can be removed from the picture. You do not need to be around him or be assessible to him. Again, you know what your husband can take but if he really loves you, I think he will appreciate the info before a physical affair occurs.
Yes Withclarity, I believe in extreme honesty. I am just a point in my life where I understand that we can and will be tempted by the opposite sex. Just because we are married does not mean we are no longer attracted to people. You stated that you could not get past your husband telling you that he was interested in another woman. That is similiar to being attracted. He didn't act on the interest, he simply communicated it too you. You probably know he is attracted to women. If he told, now you know of one in particular. So it allows for protection in marriage.
Communicating this attraction protects the marriage bond. Imagine, if I told my wife that I was attracted to this new attractive salesperson at my job on Monday. Then, on Wednessday, I told her that we talked during lunch and she seems to be really down to earth and very intelligent and she thinks that I am witty and knowledgable. Then, on Friday, I told my wife that we talked a few more times via email and that she suggested an afterwork drink just to unwind. I probably would not have even made it to the Friday conversation with the salespreson. Wife would either kill me or I would break off communication with the new girl prior because it is all out in the open. Again, it is extreme honesty but it allows me to be real about my own feelings and also not operate in the shadows. I know there is that attraction but I don't think anyone else knows so in my mind I start to believe it is innocent. The attraction is increasing and I am choosing to have this new attractive woman to meet my needs of conversation and admiration.
Anyway, back to the point, the marriage cart has already been upset in that the wife was having inappropriate communication with a man outside of her marriage. That is still an issue. An issue that the husband is not even aware of. Communicating it now just allows the two to work on strengthening the marriage and identifying the unmet needs.
Oh yes, the husband will be shocked initially. That is just normal. I would be upset if my wife told me something like that. I would be shocked at first, but then I would progress through various stages that we all go through. I would be angry and even resentful. I would probably say things like, "if you want him, you can have him". I would think that maybe I am not good enough or that I am too good for her, etc, etc. Emotions out of control which is temporary. But then I would start accept what is told and try to understand and prevent reoccurence. Also, he could have a new found respect because of your openness and honesty. Again, that will NOT be the initial emotion but maybe down the line.
By telling, you are giving your husband the CHANCE to address a serious threat to your family and marriage. I feel it is difficult to do it by yourself internally. Also, it ensures this AP is out the picture for life. When AP is out of their lives for life, this will prevent the temptation.
Hopefully, you understand what I am saying. I haven't had my coffee yet and my brain is moving slower than normal on this rainy Monday morning.
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Hi Clarity,
Thanks for your response. I do not intend to tell my H and I don't think OM would do that either. He
Takingcontrol,
Why do you think telling your husband would cause massive destruction? You had an urge. You are human. What you need to do is protect your marriage. Why be around a person that you are obviously attracted to. Do you really think that your husband thinks that you aren't attracted to any other men in the world? Telling your husband would free you from having to act differently around this man and also it would give your husband the info to make the best decision for your family. Also, it seems there is something that you are looking for. There is some unmet need that your husband needs to know as well or else you may act on the next impulse and actually have an affair. This one was emotional. The next one could be physical. Many times, it is not even about the AP. It is about that need that the AP is meeting at that time. The need to be admired, to feel sexy, to feel attractive, to have conversation, honesty, companionship, etc, etc. We all have needs and when our most important are not being met, we are tempted by others that meet that need. Your marriage can be more intimate and closer than ever before if you give your husband the info about your deep, true feelings. That is why some are encouraging you to tell. Not telling just leaves your husband in the dark about what is going on with his wife. Nothing will change. Telling could be the best thing you ever did for your marriage to bring a new level of intimacy. Certainly better than having to confess a physical affair.
I hope you took a moment to check out the chemistry thread downstairs under 'on the fence' just to get a handle on what is at play here.
Hi hopefull.
Hi,
thanks for your response. I understand what you are saying. If only my H would understand. As I said in a previous post, I tested him. I told him that the other day OM had commented on my looks. He was very upset as to why I had not said anything before.
He is the only man I have ever been with, so he is very possessive. He would be ashamed that I could fall in love with someone like OM whom he considers to be of low integrity.
I just remembered, 1 yr ago, he was showing signs of jealousy towards OM and I asked my H straight out if he was jealous of OM.
I'm sorry you are in this situation. Again, I really feel you have to establish no contact with this man for life. I would talk to him and tell him just that. Let him know that you are married and that you love your husband and you are looking at building a stronger marriage. And that you can not talk to him for life. And that you asking him to respect that and do the same. That's really it. That's all I would say.
As far as your husband, get him alone, suggest dinner, a weekend getaway, something. Let him know that you want to spend time with him and share your feelings about your marriage, your internal feelings about yourself, your needs and how you feel you are fulfilling his needs. There are plenty of emotional need questionaires out there on marriage sites. You can have him complete to see what his most important needs are and how he thinks you are fulfilling those needs. You can do the same. This will give you a way of seeing what the two of you are good at and seeing the areas that need work. People seem to take that better than just hearing all the bad. After talking about the needs that are being filled, you can discuss your need for attention and talk about ways that need can be fulfilled. ie. phone calls from him during work, quick emails, flirty text messaging, spending alone time, dating again, etc. He can talk to you about his needs. Most men want more sex. If he is OK with that, he might have some other need. You can make a joint agreement that you will start to give him more of what he wants and he will do the same. You both will make that choice and the feelings of love will follow.
Lastly, I think you still have to let your husband know about your attraction and this man's attraction to you so that he can be removed from the picture. You do not need to be around him or be assessible to him. Again, you know what your husband can take but if he really loves you, I think he will appreciate the info before a physical affair occurs.
Edited 3/23/2009 12:41 pm ET by hopefull1996
Hopefull
I like the approach you suggested...setting up a nice getaway to do some marital
Yes Withclarity, I believe in extreme honesty. I am just a point in my life where I understand that we can and will be tempted by the opposite sex. Just because we are married does not mean we are no longer attracted to people. You stated that you could not get past your husband telling you that he was interested in another woman. That is similiar to being attracted. He didn't act on the interest, he simply communicated it too you. You probably know he is attracted to women. If he told, now you know of one in particular. So it allows for protection in marriage.
Communicating this attraction protects the marriage bond. Imagine, if I told my wife that I was attracted to this new attractive salesperson at my job on Monday. Then, on Wednessday, I told her that we talked during lunch and she seems to be really down to earth and very intelligent and she thinks that I am witty and knowledgable. Then, on Friday, I told my wife that we talked a few more times via email and that she suggested an afterwork drink just to unwind. I probably would not have even made it to the Friday conversation with the salespreson. Wife would either kill me or I would break off communication with the new girl prior because it is all out in the open. Again, it is extreme honesty but it allows me to be real about my own feelings and also not operate in the shadows. I know there is that attraction but I don't think anyone else knows so in my mind I start to believe it is innocent. The attraction is increasing and I am choosing to have this new attractive woman to meet my needs of conversation and admiration.
Anyway, back to the point, the marriage cart has already been upset in that the wife was having inappropriate communication with a man outside of her marriage. That is still an issue. An issue that the husband is not even aware of. Communicating it now just allows the two to work on strengthening the marriage and identifying the unmet needs.
Oh yes, the husband will be shocked initially. That is just normal. I would be upset if my wife told me something like that. I would be shocked at first, but then I would progress through various stages that we all go through. I would be angry and even resentful. I would probably say things like, "if you want him, you can have him". I would think that maybe I am not good enough or that I am too good for her, etc, etc. Emotions out of control which is temporary. But then I would start accept what is told and try to understand and prevent reoccurence. Also, he could have a new found respect because of your openness and honesty. Again, that will NOT be the initial emotion but maybe down the line.
By telling, you are giving your husband the CHANCE to address a serious threat to your family and marriage. I feel it is difficult to do it by yourself internally. Also, it ensures this AP is out the picture for life. When AP is out of their lives for life, this will prevent the temptation.
Hopefully, you understand what I am saying. I haven't had my coffee yet and my brain is moving slower than normal on this rainy Monday morning.
Control,
Hi.
I've read all (okay, some) of this thread.
Here's my take.
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