but i DID leave my wife!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
but i DID leave my wife!!!
8
Thu, 10-16-2003 - 9:50am
...I am so grateful for this board, and all of you who have posted responses to those in distress. I found this place via Google, and realize it's predominantly a womans' site? Which doesn't matter, I think it's great. But it reminds me of how odd my situation is.

I've heard women complain for years that MM don't leave their wives for their OW. Well, after 12 years of fidelity, I meet a woman I CANNOT bare to live without, leave my wife, and then the OW backed out with fear, doubts, etc.!!!!!

Her friends were telling me "don't hurt her"....they were telling her "men never leave their wives".....and as I prove them wrong, I get the knife in the heart? Oh -- I forgot -- life's not fair -- sorry ;-)


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Thu, 10-16-2003 - 9:57am
no it isn't is it?i'm so sorry.it seems to me that this woman wasn't mature enough to enderstand the value you were putting on your relationship.or the safety net fell out from under her & she freaked.i was upfront w/ my om that i would leave my husband for him & then put the ball in his court.he declined as the entire scenario was too frightening in its reality.if you discussed this w/ her she should have told you about her reservations b/f you made such a major step for her.i hope & know you will find someone who gives you the love you deserve & that you love as much in return.then,this will seem like a blessing.
Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Thu, 10-16-2003 - 9:58am
As one of those women with a guy i love who did NOT leave his wife, it seems to me she is very lucky to have you. But.... if she's backing out, then she must not be feeling something she thought she was feeling, or there must be some other kind of trouble.

But kudos to you for following through on your word. That's something most of our MM don't do. You must be a very special guy!!

Good luck,

Jenny

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
Thu, 10-16-2003 - 11:14am
Hi Tony--- I commend you for doing what you did to follow your heart. I've been with my MM for 2 years and in this time I have wanted nothing more than to have him with me all of the time. But I only want it unless he wants it too. So now, here it is, this Monday is the day he closes on his property (don't know if you've read my other posts) and moves in with me. I WELCOME him with open arms and I'm so excited that it's finally happening.

On to your situation, I'm sorry she got cold feet. I don't know the details of your situation,i.e., how long you've been with her, were there kids involved, have you talked about it with her, stuff like that. I hope for the best for you and anytime you need support or advice, we are always here. It's SO NICE to see a man's perspective especially a man like yourself being the MM. Please keep me updated. Good luck and take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Thu, 10-16-2003 - 12:04pm
WOW - I am sorry for what you been through...im sorry that you and the OW were not on the same page. You had the courage as you can see on this board many men dont.

I am with a MM now and everything has come to light this past week. Its been hell! His wife knows about me, my family knows about him. I am single but very close to my family. ITS NOT A PRETTY PICTURE. I asked him last night is it even worth it everything we are going through...I get a YES IT IS. BUT yet he is there. I mean I know this just happened, first time last night I called his home and his W picked up and I asked for MM he got on the other line and I asked her to please hang up I needed to talk to him...she did.

I mean I guess its hard to believe that a MM actually left his W and u were faithfull to her for 12 years for OW. She was very lucky to have you. But putting myself in your shoes...that must hurt. Like the other post said we dont know your entire situation and we would like to know.

And just to know there is hope!! You never cold feet she might come back - whats the saying you dont know what you got till its gone. What you did took alot.

I wish you the best. Sandy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 10-16-2003 - 12:34pm
I think it's predominantly a women's site not by design, but because women tend to have more of a need to work through the day-to-day, ongoing emotions of an EMA in this kind of format. Whereas men tend to compartmentalize a little more and discuss feelings a little less (just a generality here; please don't flame me). However, it's very helpful to all involved to get both the male and female perspective, so I hope you'll stick around.

Clearly you're different than many males in an EMA not just because you're here talking about it, but because you DID leave your spouse for your OW. Do you think the OW knew that was a possibility? Or if she did "know" it was a possibility, that perhaps she didn't really think you would follow through, so she felt it was 'safe' not to tell you that she didn't really want that level of commitment from you?

If your leaving your marriage was a long process, was she supportive of that to any point? At what point did she bolt?

Did you leave your wife because of the OW, or because the marriage was bad? Maybe OW thought that SHE was the driving force behind your marriage dissolution. If I were her, I definitely would not want that... on the other hand, I would make that clear to him from the beginning.

Do you wish you could go back to the marriage?

None of us can have any real answers, obviously. Just speculation... and support for you. I'm sorry you're going through this pain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Thu, 10-16-2003 - 1:44pm
Hi Tony

I am a man, even though this is mainly a women's board, and I know exactly how you feel because a month ago I was where you are now with the same feeling of "the knife in the heart" because I thought that I lost a woman that I could not bear to live without.

I believe you can try to overcome your lady's doubts and fears by talking to her and pouring your heart out. Don't worry about your pride being hurt - if you truly love her everything else is irrelevant. Tell her what you wrote in your post -- that you cannot imagine your life without her, tell her how much you love her - I know that you've already proven it by getting a divorce -- but women need to HEAR it not just to see it in our actions. Then leave it up to her, follow her lead, don't push and be very patient. It might work out, it did for me.

Life is not fair but sometimes it turns her bright side to us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
Fri, 10-17-2003 - 7:47am
April: Met 25 year old single woman while I was playing in a top-40 band (I am 42, married, a broadcast professional by trade)...instant attraction; she is brilliant, I love her looks, her wit, everything. We meet 2-3 more times through the month of June...

June 28: Another band gig, I talk with her all night, ask if I can kiss her. I confirm that I am married, she says we can't see each other, but I give her my contact info anyway.

July: She sends hi message on email. I suggest meeting for drink. She says yes; I call back an hour later to say no, it would be wrong. She says it would be OK, we eventually meet.

July, Aug, Sept: we date -- dinners, movies, etc. She lives witih parents who don't approve of me (even though they know I am separating). No sex for first 6 weeks of relationship -- just dating. I tell her I love her, but it takes were a month for her to say same. Well, I seperate from wife in Sept., and eventually girlfriend says I can move into her new Apt with her in Oct. But she twice backs off of that promise, saying she was forced into it.

Oct. Now she says she was forced to quickly into everything, and has guilt, worry about age difference, and the arguments we had (which were about loving together, and her folks not wanting me around for the most part). She says she wonders if we'll last 3 weeks or 3 months and now wants to slow things down to be friends -- no hand holding, etc. .

Last weekend: let me come to parents house when they were away, 2 nights of passionate lovemaking! Says we can continue but as slower pace, and agreeing not to be 'exclusive', even though there is no one she wants to date now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Fri, 10-17-2003 - 8:43am
Hi tony

Sounds to me like you just plain moved WAY TOO FAST with this woman. You know, some women get scared and put off just as easily as men do! I could be wrong, but given that all this happened between April and October, maybe you should (or will be) happy that she wants to slow things down a bit. JMHO

Good luck

Charlotte