I do believe I've had enough

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
I do believe I've had enough
14
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 9:28pm
Hello everyone: Just wanted to thank all of you so much for the sound advice over the past months since I discovered this board. Your posts, support, etc., have meant so much to me. I have decided to end my A. I have come to the hard realization that my MM will never leave his W. I cannot go on living a lie, and I'm trying to reclaim some of my self respect. The final straw was when I told him of a bad blow out with my H, and that we were talking divorce. Instead of support, he pulled a disappearing act for a few days. To top that off, his W was out of town during that time, meaning we could have spent some real quality time together. Well, when he did finally surface, he told me that he'd had a meltdown and felt totally guilty for my failing M, him screwing up his own M, and also the thought of his daughter (who's now 13) finding out about the A,would cause him to lose her forever. He also 'blamed' the relationship problems he has with his now 20 year old son, on beginning around the same time as when the affair started. He told me that if he left his W, there would be 30 guys standing in line to take his place(how nice). He told me that he loves me deeply, but that his love for me is wrong. Since that conversation we have talked a couple more times, and he has tried to back peddle on his words a little and now wants to 'get together.' I told him that "he was right," that we are no good for each other and we need to end this now." In the past during his 'crisis periods' I have always stood by him. I feel so abandoned and hurt by him, that I just don't want this heartache anymore. If after 5 years involvement in this EMA he doesn't know what he wants, then he never will. I know some of my feelings right now are based in anger and rejection, but I think I need to hold onto this hurt to keep me strong. I can totally understand his feelings about his daughter and can certainly relate as I have two kids of my own. His M however, has always been another story. Anyway, hugs to all of you. I hope you never experience the heartache that I am feeling tonight. Take care, Virgogirl

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 10:23pm
What an A$$! Did he really say that about 30 other guys standing in line? Wnat an insensitive creep! I completely agree in that you should hold on to this anger and put that bastard on skates. If after 5 years he's still pulling disappearing acts, then I'd say it's high time for you to pull one of your own--permanently. I'm in for almost 2 years (sounds like prison;), and the idea of going through this roller coaster for another 3, just for him to perpetuate the current ambivalence literally makes me sick. How depressing--I think you're situation is making me realize that maybe my MM isn't ever going to come around. Hmmm...how long do we wait? And what am I waiting on anyway?

~notso
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 11:24pm
For what it's worth, I agree with notso

((((ivirgogirl)))))

Red

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 11:33pm


I know what you mean about questioning what we're waiting on. I actually *do* know why I'm still waiting.

1. I'm not ready to get married right now. I am putting things in order in my life, so I will be, but I have a good, solid year of work here before I'll be there.

2. I love the time I do get with MM.

3. I don't believe in making threats or ultimatums. When I caved a couple of weeks ago, I did a lot of thinking. I'm honest with how I feel, but I'm not going to play games and drive both of us nuts. If we don't get this together, then I will back off and be friends, but I won't say it again until I'm ready to follow through. Period. I can only control my own actions. A year and a half isn't too long to build a relationship, but I don't intend to be singing this song five years from now.

4. Besides, y'all would be so sick of me by then, you'd be hunting me down to put us *all* out of my misery. ;) Since I've already told him I won't do another holiday season like last year, the timing is obvious. Yes, it might shock him into leaving, but that's not what I want, either. I want him to leave because its right for him, and for us. If those aren't his reasons, then we're in trouble from the get-go.



Just my 2 cents.



Cazrida

Avatar for aimless02
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 12:44am
Oh goodie..the waiting game. I've waited on mine to follow through for 2 yrs now and have only recently come to the conclusion that he's full of it. Words mean nothing at all..it's all in the actions. Am I leaving him? No...not that we spend any great amount of time together anyway. I do love him and know he loves me. We're each others best friend, but at this point I see no future. He's spoken with me several times about what we could do and what our lives would be like together yet when it comes time to stand up for what he wants, he cowers down and then forgets it ever happened. What I've been asking myself is whether or not I can be with a man who has no self-respect.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 1:48am
I'm sorry you're hurting.I'm in the same boat I'm ending it tonight.

Renee

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 8:15am
(((virgogirl))) I am so sorry that you are going through this! It sounds to me like MM should be counting his lucky stars that he has someone like you in his life to support him and be there for him. I think he is making a HUGE mistake by doing this to you, and that someday he will regret his words and actions. But I admire your strength and think that you are doing the right thing by putting your foot down. Be strong, and we're here for you!

((hugs))

Circe

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 10:56pm
Thanks Circe, and everyone. It seems so many of us are going through this same thing. I just hope I can be strong enough to stay away from him, as I really do need time to sort out my emotions. I talked to MM on the phone after our break up and he was candy coating the things that he had said. Although he tried apologizing for being so 'bull headed' as he put it, I basically told him that "he was right," and that "we were no good for each other." But deep down, I think I wanted to be the one this time to be firm in saying goodbye, and hurt him the way he's hurt me. I know that the only way I can end this is by staying away from him. Once I look into those baby blue and that handsome face of his, my goose is cooked. He knows it too, and I'm sure he'll be trying hard this week to get me to come see him. But I am too hurt right now. He's making me lose my feelings for him, as I'm tired of the games. I'm beginning to see that there is a rather cruel side to him and I don't like it. If I want cruelty, I'll stay married. Virgogirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 8:54am
Hi Virgo, I would like to congratulate you on your difficult decision. And you are right, it seems like there are a lot of us recently kind of going thru the same thing, NC, feelings of rejection, thinking of ending it.

I'm thinking of ending it too. When I really think about it, do I want to feel 2nd class to this person? That obviously I mean so little to him that he can't be bothering contacting me for weeks on end? And then just expects me to pick up where we left when he DOES get in touch.

Meanwhile, I have H at home, working 7 days/week trying to make a good life for me.

Telling me on the weekend of a large purchase he wants to make for me, something I've always wanted my whole life and never really said alot about it, but he remembered and says he wants to get it for me.

It almost made me cry. H is trying SO hard to make things better between us. And I feel I should be trying as hard as he is.

So, like you, I am thinking maybe I have had enough too. It hasn't been that bad this past 2 weeks actually, not hearing from MM. I've had alot of time to think about things. I've been very busy with my homelife and hobbies. I've been feeling really GOOD about myself.

Maybe this is the way I want to continue, but I don't know yet. I am hoping my heart will lead me in the right direction about this whole A thing. Take care, and good luck to you!!

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 10:54am
Thanks Dusty, you really are a sweet lady. Today is hard for me as it is Monday going on noon, and I have not heard from my MM as I normally do. It's strange that at times like this (when I'd normally expect to hear from him), I go through this anxious withdrawal thing when he doesn't call me. I couldn't imagine how you'd cope with weeks at a time of not hearing from him, and then "surprise"- here I am!! I don't blame you, it's not very respectful on their part, is it? I know I've said and done things that have hurt my MM, mainly confiding in him about the problems in my marriage. I know now that I should have confided in a girlfriend or someone other than him, as I really hurt his male pride. But when I stand back and look at the big picture (and try to leave my emotions out of it), I realize how crazy this whole situation is. I don't want to play second fiddle to anyone that I'm in love with. And that is my problem- I'm so in love with him, that I'm a mess. My H and I in the meantime, had been at each others throats, and I basically told him we should split. We had a rather gut-wrenching evening the other night, fighting about things (at 2 a.m.), but I felt relieved that if nothing else, I was able to get 20+ years of pent-up #$@% out of my system and I slammed him with it. I thought after that fight things would be worse around here, but it's actually gotten better. My H wants to try and work on our M, although I am really leery. He is I must say, better than he's been towards me in years. So we'll see...

Thanks again for your support, it means so much. Virgogirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 11:27am
I know that "withdrawal" feeling, I am experiencing it right now. I also usually would talk to MM by 9:30 on Mondays, and here it is past noon, and still nothing.

I am trying not to think about him. I kind of wish he would get in touch with me, but the other half of me says no.

If he does try, I will be an emotional basketcase. And how do I handle the NC? I have no choice in the matter, its his decision to do it.

I alternate between one minute being really angry at him, and the next just wanting himn back.

But I know in my heart, I should be trying hard with H. Like you, we've had some really big, screaming arguments in the last year or two (okay, its mostly me screaming at him). I've said things I'm not proud of. We have problems in the M, and they are not going to be fixed overnite.

But with me having sex with the MM, I don't try with H. Same story MM has given me before about him and his W.

So, here I sit, part of me waiting for that email, part of me dreading it.

Dusty
xxxx

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