I do believe I've had enough
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I do believe I've had enough
| Sat, 03-27-2004 - 9:28pm |
Hello everyone: Just wanted to thank all of you so much for the sound advice over the past months since I discovered this board. Your posts, support, etc., have meant so much to me. I have decided to end my A. I have come to the hard realization that my MM will never leave his W. I cannot go on living a lie, and I'm trying to reclaim some of my self respect. The final straw was when I told him of a bad blow out with my H, and that we were talking divorce. Instead of support, he pulled a disappearing act for a few days. To top that off, his W was out of town during that time, meaning we could have spent some real quality time together. Well, when he did finally surface, he told me that he'd had a meltdown and felt totally guilty for my failing M, him screwing up his own M, and also the thought of his daughter (who's now 13) finding out about the A,would cause him to lose her forever. He also 'blamed' the relationship problems he has with his now 20 year old son, on beginning around the same time as when the affair started. He told me that if he left his W, there would be 30 guys standing in line to take his place(how nice). He told me that he loves me deeply, but that his love for me is wrong. Since that conversation we have talked a couple more times, and he has tried to back peddle on his words a little and now wants to 'get together.' I told him that "he was right," that we are no good for each other and we need to end this now." In the past during his 'crisis periods' I have always stood by him. I feel so abandoned and hurt by him, that I just don't want this heartache anymore. If after 5 years involvement in this EMA he doesn't know what he wants, then he never will. I know some of my feelings right now are based in anger and rejection, but I think I need to hold onto this hurt to keep me strong. I can totally understand his feelings about his daughter and can certainly relate as I have two kids of my own. His M however, has always been another story. Anyway, hugs to all of you. I hope you never experience the heartache that I am feeling tonight. Take care, Virgogirl

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~notso
((((ivirgogirl)))))
Red
I know what you mean about questioning what we're waiting on. I actually *do* know why I'm still waiting.
1. I'm not ready to get married right now. I am putting things in order in my life, so I will be, but I have a good, solid year of work here before I'll be there.
2. I love the time I do get with MM.
3. I don't believe in making threats or ultimatums. When I caved a couple of weeks ago, I did a lot of thinking. I'm honest with how I feel, but I'm not going to play games and drive both of us nuts. If we don't get this together, then I will back off and be friends, but I won't say it again until I'm ready to follow through. Period. I can only control my own actions. A year and a half isn't too long to build a relationship, but I don't intend to be singing this song five years from now.
4. Besides, y'all would be so sick of me by then, you'd be hunting me down to put us *all* out of my misery. ;) Since I've already told him I won't do another holiday season like last year, the timing is obvious. Yes, it might shock him into leaving, but that's not what I want, either. I want him to leave because its right for him, and for us. If those aren't his reasons, then we're in trouble from the get-go.
Just my 2 cents.
Cazrida
Renee
((hugs))
Circe
I'm thinking of ending it too. When I really think about it, do I want to feel 2nd class to this person? That obviously I mean so little to him that he can't be bothering contacting me for weeks on end? And then just expects me to pick up where we left when he DOES get in touch.
Meanwhile, I have H at home, working 7 days/week trying to make a good life for me.
Telling me on the weekend of a large purchase he wants to make for me, something I've always wanted my whole life and never really said alot about it, but he remembered and says he wants to get it for me.
It almost made me cry. H is trying SO hard to make things better between us. And I feel I should be trying as hard as he is.
So, like you, I am thinking maybe I have had enough too. It hasn't been that bad this past 2 weeks actually, not hearing from MM. I've had alot of time to think about things. I've been very busy with my homelife and hobbies. I've been feeling really GOOD about myself.
Maybe this is the way I want to continue, but I don't know yet. I am hoping my heart will lead me in the right direction about this whole A thing. Take care, and good luck to you!!
Dusty
Thanks again for your support, it means so much. Virgogirl
I am trying not to think about him. I kind of wish he would get in touch with me, but the other half of me says no.
If he does try, I will be an emotional basketcase. And how do I handle the NC? I have no choice in the matter, its his decision to do it.
I alternate between one minute being really angry at him, and the next just wanting himn back.
But I know in my heart, I should be trying hard with H. Like you, we've had some really big, screaming arguments in the last year or two (okay, its mostly me screaming at him). I've said things I'm not proud of. We have problems in the M, and they are not going to be fixed overnite.
But with me having sex with the MM, I don't try with H. Same story MM has given me before about him and his W.
So, here I sit, part of me waiting for that email, part of me dreading it.
Dusty
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