I do believe I've had enough

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
I do believe I've had enough
14
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 9:28pm
Hello everyone: Just wanted to thank all of you so much for the sound advice over the past months since I discovered this board. Your posts, support, etc., have meant so much to me. I have decided to end my A. I have come to the hard realization that my MM will never leave his W. I cannot go on living a lie, and I'm trying to reclaim some of my self respect. The final straw was when I told him of a bad blow out with my H, and that we were talking divorce. Instead of support, he pulled a disappearing act for a few days. To top that off, his W was out of town during that time, meaning we could have spent some real quality time together. Well, when he did finally surface, he told me that he'd had a meltdown and felt totally guilty for my failing M, him screwing up his own M, and also the thought of his daughter (who's now 13) finding out about the A,would cause him to lose her forever. He also 'blamed' the relationship problems he has with his now 20 year old son, on beginning around the same time as when the affair started. He told me that if he left his W, there would be 30 guys standing in line to take his place(how nice). He told me that he loves me deeply, but that his love for me is wrong. Since that conversation we have talked a couple more times, and he has tried to back peddle on his words a little and now wants to 'get together.' I told him that "he was right," that we are no good for each other and we need to end this now." In the past during his 'crisis periods' I have always stood by him. I feel so abandoned and hurt by him, that I just don't want this heartache anymore. If after 5 years involvement in this EMA he doesn't know what he wants, then he never will. I know some of my feelings right now are based in anger and rejection, but I think I need to hold onto this hurt to keep me strong. I can totally understand his feelings about his daughter and can certainly relate as I have two kids of my own. His M however, has always been another story. Anyway, hugs to all of you. I hope you never experience the heartache that I am feeling tonight. Take care, Virgogirl

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2004
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 12:07pm
Just wanted to lend some support- I have too much time on my hands this morning it seems :) A BIG red flag for me "He also 'blamed' the relationship problems he has with his now 20 year old son, on beginning around the same time as when the affair started."

So he couldn't be around to lend support when you really needed it but he senses he may lose you when he needs or wants you and suddenly he is back pedaling?

My honest opinion? This is not someone you will EVER be able to count on and will only continue to hurt you in the future. To blame you for his problems with son is cowardly and bastardly (and yes- that is exactly what he was doing). I just can't imagine this man ever being able to give you the emotional support you need and deserve. Try focusing all your unsused love on H and get professional counseling if you can afford it. Unfortunately you will be grieving and depressed about the end of a relationship while trying to rebuild with H- not a good recipe for success. If you check out the Ending an Affair board you will see most recommend ending things decisively and beginning No Contact. I know this will be hard and you will feel weak and alone but just remind yourself that you were in an affair to get more than what you were finding in your marriage? Is it causing you more pain than happiness? Is it really adding to your life or taking away from it? Be strong and each day will get easier. BTW- you deserve happiness in your marriage too- don't settle for less with H either!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 12:17am
Hello Stars: Thanks for the post. He (MM) did apologize for some of his harsh comments, and said he had a meltdown after a conversation we had in which I told him of a fight I had with my H (we were talking divorce). The fight with H was mainly over sex, and I told MM that I couldn't stand having my H touch me anymore because it wasn't him there in bed with me. He took it internally, blaming himself for not only his problems but mine too. He told me he was a 'bad person' and that he seems to poison everyone that he cares for in life. He really did seem to wig out, but at the same time he absolutely crushed me inside with his words. If he blames me for his failed relationship with his son, then I really do need to exit his from life.

BTW he did call me this afternoon after all, and we talked for a few minutes (nothing real heavy, just our everyday stuff). He then wanted to know if we could get together later, and I just sort of stammered over my words. I wanted to be tough but couldn't. I told him I would have to get back to him on that as I had to take my daughter back to college and also see my sick father in law who is in the hospital. Well, I got with the in-laws, and couldn't get away (although I suppose I could have ducked into a bathroom to make a quick call), but I never did call him back..."is that called passive-agressive behavior?" LOL, maybe I wanted him feel what it's like to be blown off like that.

As for my H, he's been treating me better since our last fight, although he is pretty upset over his sick father, who has cancer. I also agree that I deserve more from my marriage which I have not had for so long. Mentally, I've reached the point where I could walk away from my marriage at any moment, I really have had it. You know, I heard of a recent survey that said the most happiest people are married men and single/unattached women. Don't know how accurate it is, but I can certainly relate. Anyway, thanks for the support and words of advice.

Virgogirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 8:52am
Virgogirl,

I don't think your MM was blaming "you" for his strained relationship with his son but in fact he might have been blaming the "affair" and I can relate to that. There are some people who do not have an astronomical guilty consciousness and can handle all the stress and lies that go with an affair well and then there are some who can't. Your MM might be one of the latter.

I remember that when my affair was on, I would not have enough time and concentration to give to my children and I do believe it is difficult for conscientious parents (involved in roller coaster type affairs) to feel good about the time that they are giving to their kids. My kids were one of the reasons that I decided to pull away from my affair because I just felt they were not getting my primary attention and the amount of time I wanted to give to them. Many times even when I was with them, my mind would be pre-occupied with MM and I hated myself for that.

So don't feel bad about the words MM said to you. The guy is just involved in his internal struggle and is making sure all people in his life are happy. This might be a good time for you to think about whether you want to save your marriage or not especially when your husband is making an effort. I would just like to tell you that it does get better a lot with time when you do the right thing.

Give both of you some space and try to make a good decision.

PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 11:47pm
Dear Phillygirl: Thanks for your words of wisdom. I too, have felt the guilt of not being fully there for my kids, and sensed that my preoccupation with my MM in the early days were felt by them. I guess I felt as though he were blaming me and it hurt me deeply. Not to pat myself on the back, but I've been there for him so much during his ups and downs over the years. His words made me feel like I was just 'chopped liver' so to speak.

As far as my M goes, my H drives me nuts. One minute he's talking about splitting up, the next he's crawling all over me in bed. Ugh, I think I need a break from both of them, to be honest. In my next life, I'm going to be a nun!!! Take care, Virgogirl

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